I have been overwhelmed by craziness here...10 kids, Christmas, New Year etc....We took a LOOOOOONG break from school for Christmas vacation.  It was much needed and I am now dreading tomorrow....the beginning of school again.  I don't feel like trying to teach someone who doesn't want to cooperate!  Someone who will sit and look at the problem 9-4 and be holding up 5 fingers and, when I walk past and look at her, write down the number 7.  You probably think I am referring to Leona BUT, no, this is Josephine we're talking about.  She is a little upset that I no longer allow her to use the math-u-see blocks to do her math.  Bummer!  She wants me to think she needs them REALLY BAD!  But I know better!  So, please pray for us as we begin school tomorrow.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and we didn't even start yet!

Update from last post:  I did talk to the dr. and he decided to keep Josephine on the Prozac full time.  I really hate that she is on this medication but I am somewhat relieved because it is working well for her.  She is able to have some self control and is working on her lying and stealing habits.  She is still under strict supervision for the time being until we see how well she is doing on the medication and if there are any side effects.  Thankfully, so far, there have been no negative side effects...only positive.  I never thought I would say that about an antidepressant.   I sometimes wonder if her struggles have anything to do with attachment...maybe someone else out there has some insight?   Here's a quick rundown...She sometimes lies, sometimes steals (little things but still stealing), never wets, never smears gross stuff anywhere, does like things neat and clean, for the most part doesn't do the exact opposite of what I tell her, has gained about 35 lbs in 2 years and grown from a size 6 to a size 12, on a few really bad days she threatned to run away, and said she hated us (but now likes us again..well, most of the time!).  Doesn't barf up food to re-chew it and now even turns away food (although she didn't at first).  What do you think?  I am thinking that maybe attachment is a broad spectrum and, perhaps, although she is mostly attached, she still struggles with some control issues from living in a orphanage setting.  And, that, paired with some hormones isn't too pretty!

On the other hand, we have Leona who DEFINITELY has attachment problems...always wets, smears gross stuff a lot, barfs up her food and chews it again, has a hard time saying no to more food even when she is stuffed (this is actually an improvement on her part..once she ate roast beef, mashed potatoes, corn, 6 grilled cheese sandwiches, 2 glasses of milk and still said she wanted more, even though she was crying because her stomach hurt....she now believes me when I say if you eat too much your stomach will hurt..she didn't believe me before that.), gained less than 6 lbs. in 2 years and only a couple of inches, she can still wear the sneakers I bought her when she came (they were slightly big then but not much).  She did recently make it for 13 days without peeing.  That's the longest she's gone for a while.  But, of course, the other behaviors increased during that time...couldn't zip her coat, couldn't buckle her seatbelt, much barfing and chewing.  Amazingly today, when I offered for her to eat as many cookies as she wanted (they're getting stale you know!), she stopped herself at about six...teen, that is.  Ok, so you're thinking what kind of Mom lets their kid eat sixteen cookies?  That would be one Mom who is trying to teach their child to be responsible and not to overindulge.  You see, her stomach hurt after that and I could tell she was uncomfortable...each time I allow her to eat too much and she is uncomfortable, she seems to be able to stop herself sooner the next time. 

So that is most of the excitement here for now!!

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Posted by Anonymous

Dear Mrs. Zepp,

A friend clued me into your blog, and I am moved to write to you. I am also the mother of two internationally adopted daughters. Mine aren't from LIberia, but I'm familiar with that country's tragic history and to some extent the trauma its people have suffered. My two "girls" are now grown up women. I thank God they are doing well - living on their own, holding down jobs, and forming lasting relationships.

But I want to say to you that much of what you are struggling with feels very familiar to me. I'm talking about trying to help a child who is clearly disturbed and traumatized, and not understanding what's going on or what it means or what it's about, while you try and try and try to do your very best. It's not an easy road. It's very hard to understand what's going on inside such troubled people - espeically if they are just little children.

Although, as I said, our daughters have survived growing up and seem to doing fairly well, my husband and our daughters and I did go through some very tough years. My own daughters were not, I wouldn't think, nearly as traumatized as yours. My younger daughter had an easier time figuring things out in her own mind and emotional life. Maybe that's because she was younger at adoption, and also that her personality is softer in some ways.

Well, as we all know, just being adopted has its own pain. As my younger daughter said when she learned her birthmother had had another child, "She has to take me back, or give that one up too!" Then she cried and cried and cried. But she did let me comfort her. And eventually she found resolution in her own self.

And then there are the hidden traumas we may not know about. One of my daughters was three when we adopted her and the other seven. We have some idea, but not a full picture, of what their little lives were like before that. Both have had adoption-related "issues" from time to time. I suspect that our older daughter has had a harder time for several reasons - being adopted at an older age, perhaps suffering rougher early years, plus she just has a different kind of personality from the younger child.

She / we never experienced the same extremes of "acting out" that you and your daughter / family are experiencing. But we did go through quite a few periods of time when our daughter refused to talk to any of us, at one point for up to two weeks at a time. The rest of were at a loss as to what it was about, or what triggered it on her side. I still don't know. I can only believe it is related to hurt which then takes the form of anger - the sources of which I don't know. It was sometimes difficult in our family life because of this. Though we always did try to make occasions that would be fun and joyous for everyone, and thereby lay down some good memories for our kids.

My husband and I sought counseling on three occasions, and at one point took our oldest daughter to a few sessions with a counselor - that was when she was in her teens. That always helped some, but it never totally resolved things. Also, when she was in fifth grade her school counselor started a peer group for children of divorce and parental death, which our daughter was invited to join. That was an important breakthrough for her - a forum outside the family that took away her anxiety about thinking and talking about her own past.

When she was in her teens and things got into a really bad stage, we took her (and ourselves) to a counselor. The counselor's advice stayed with me, and comforted me a lot. At that time, our daughter was forming her first real friendships (that had been hard for her as a young girl), and she was doing well in school. The counselor said that the fact that she was acting out at home could be interpreted as showing that she felt safe enough at home to act in a way that put home relationships at risk. Her main task in the teen years was to learn to get along with her peers, and she was doing well on that front. So we should accept the difficulties at home in that light. That was a comfort, and took some of the anxiety about the situation away from me and my husband ("what are we doing wrong?"), though things remained challenging.

One of the things that comes through in your blog is about your daughter Leona's need to feel in control of situations, to be aware of what is going to happen. One of our daughters had that, too. If we had a plan for a Saturday and changed the order of events, it was really hard for her to deal with. When she was seven or eight, even, she might have a melt-down over this and throw a tantrum like a two-year old. This got better as she grew older, and no longer is a factor at all.

As much as we wracked our brains trying to understand what was going on and to figure out how we could be better parents, I truly don't believe these acting out behaviors were about us as parents. I don't think they were a protest against us, or an effort on the part of our daughter even to get our attention (well, maybe some of that, I don't know). In retrospect, although at the time it "felt" like she was trying to punish us for something - something she never was able to tell us about - I don't think now that she was trying to get back at us for anything. Frankly, I still don't really understand what it was all about, but it was about her, and not about us, is how I look at it.

One daughter has always been very expressive of her feelings (drama queen almost!), and the other holds her feelings in. To reach the introverted daughter, I sometimes had success WRITING to her. She wrote back a few times, and gave me lots of insights into what she was thinking and feeling and fearing. That was a good thing for us, but it didn't always work!

Well, I really feel for you and I wish you and your daughter and your entire family all good things. I hope my own experience can give you some comfort or even help. It does sound like you have been talking to some kind of doctor about this, since one of your daughter has a Prozax prescription. I would urge you to seek counseling and support. It did help guide and comfort us, even though it didn't "make everything better."

I'm sending this anonymously because I wouldn't want my daughters to come across this on a blog one day and identify themselves. I think they might feel let down if they found out I was talking about intimate things in their lives, should they one day surf the Net.

I pray for God's guidance and blessings on you and your family.

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