Cra-zy [krey-zee] adjective, - zi-er, -zi-est, noun, plural -zies:

senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

Yes, I think I am crazy, as in, I am senseless; impractical, and totally unsound. Why? Because I want another baby and I just gave birth 4 months ago!

But is it really "totally unsound"?? I had my first two girls at 14 months apart. Actually, they were 1 day shy of being 14 months apart, so really they were born 13 months and 29 days apart, but eh whose counting? It was hard. The second pregnancy was not planned. It took me a good five months of the pregnancy to mentally adjust that is was "okay" and even "good" to have another baby so soon. The pregnancy was really hard on me. I was much sicker with my second pregnancy than with my first. I had a hard time keeping up with another infant while also growing a baby within me. I felt constantly tired. I was nervous, and even fearful, of having "two under two." and Then my second daughter was born. She was so beautiful. I cried when i first laid eyes on her, and then cried over the fact i was crying! I didn't expect to feel such a strong overwhelming emotion of love for someone I hadn't "planned" to come into my life yet. To have felt love for her like that, so overwhelmingly, i knew even though it was going to be "hard", we would be okay.

This is the day we brought Megan home from the hospital, and 1 year old Julia giving her "welcome home" kisses.

That first year was hard in some areas. Two in diapers wasn't as hard as most made it out to be, but two girls teething at the same time, or both sick at once wanting mommy to hold them at the same time was rough. There were good points, Julia got megan's first smile. (I was so jealous! but had a heart melted into butter at the same time) Once Megan learned to walk, it was smooth sailing from that point on! Things changed from "Julia and the baby" to "THE Girls."...wherever one was, the other was sure to be with her. At 6 months old Megan moved into Julia's room. Thier cribs were side by side. They have roomed together ever since, and always will no matter what size house we live in. Today at 3 and 4 years old, one does not go anywhere without the other. Last night I tucked Megan into bed after Julia had already dozed off. I gave Megan a kiss and a hug, then snuck over and quietly kissed Julia on the forehead. As I inched my way to the door Megan piped up, "MOoooM!! give Jewiah a hug!!" They take up for eachother too. They, seriously, are the best of friends.

And this is where I get into trouble. Joey is 4 months old now. At his last peds appointment he weighed in at 14 pounds and 11 ounces...he is getting so very big. I don't know what it is...if it seems that my "little baby boy" is already half grown (did i mention at 4 months old he is already wearing 9 month clothing?!)

Or if it is the constant reminder we have an "odd" number of children right now and we never wanted to have a "middle" child....

Or if it is remembering how I was so mean sometimes to my younger brother growing up. We were 3 1/2 years apart, the same age that Megan and Joey are apart, and there were times if I had a friend over that I was downright mean to my brother. I didn't want him "tagging along" and I made sure he knew it. I don't want Joey to feel "left out" when his sisters take off on a new adventure and leave him behind. With TWO older sisters so close to eachother, how often would that happen? Too often, I'm afraid.

And then when I watch the girls play, I watch one grab the other by the elbow and lead her over to some snail shell or rock, or something interesting in the dirt, and they both bend down together to explore it, talking, chattering and giggling over thier treasure. They do everything as a team. I like that. I think my family being bonded together as a team. I want that for Joey too. Even if that means ganging up against mom and playing tricks on her. Even if that means more work for me.

When I think of myself, the hard parts of pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery, taking care of a newborn, adjusting to having EVEN MORE very young children, and less sleep? and more laundry? and more clutter?..and more noise?? and perhaps even a FOURTH carseat to buckle and unbuckle mulitple times a day, that if we choose to do this we should decide in the next few months and try to be pregnant before Joey turns one!!!....Aye yi yi...I think I must be crazy!! 

But when I see the girls huddled over a pot full of grass, leaves and flowers making "leaf soup", or playing games only they know the rules to, or when I hear one being left behind and the other stopping in her tracks saying "WAIT! where's my sishtur?!!"...my heart both melts and breaks a little...

 ...How could I enjoy so fully what my girls have together,

and not desire that for all my children?

(the two above pictures are of Joey and I in our cheesy matching outfits from www.motherwear.com)

P.S. For what it's worth, Joe has been on board for another child pretty much since Joey was dried off after birth lol!!! But seriously, we go back and forth. I'm not sure what we'll decide on...really I think i'd feel most at peace letting God make this decision for us. At least then I would know it was happening because it was what was best in God's eternal plans, and not based on my own selfishness, or emotions, or fears.