For those that haven’t known me long, I used to drive a bus while a student at Texas A&M.   I drove for 5 years and it was the best job for a college student.  There was something about being in control of a 50-55 ft bus and the smell of burning diesel that just got the juices flowing.  To this day I can’t help but smile while passing by a bus idling, catching a whiff of the fumes.  At one time, that was the smell of money.  I guess that’s why I’ve always wanted to have a big SUV, and was looking forward to getting a GMC Yukon XL Denali, used of course.  After all, it was going to be pretty tricky trying to cram in 3 car seats in the back seat of our Envoy, plus the need for more room for the extra gear needed when we travel.

Now, there really is no reason for us to get the “big daddy” SUV because we won’t need the extra room.  Yesterday as I was pondering this, we passed by no less than 3 of the exact type of Yukon we planned to purchase, and all were black.  My heart just sank not because I won’t get my SUV and experience the thrill of driving something akin to a Sherman tank, but it is just a reminder of how plans changed when we learned about Faith’s condition.  At first we thought we were going to be adjusting to life with 3 children, instead of 2.  Then when we learned of Faith’s heart defects, we were preparing for surgeries, doctor and therapy appointments on top of the normal adjustments.  Then came the news we weren’t expecting that our Faith not only would not live long, but may not even make it to the due date.  It really did feel like the wind was sucked out of us and the rug pulled out from under us.  Some people might think all of this sounds pretty superficial, but it’s things like this that seem to catch me off guard and remind me of the reality we are facing.

We had our latest ultrasound appointment yesterday and Faith is now 2 lbs 6 oz and her birth weight is predicted to be 4 lbs 8 oz. We were able to get some really great 4d pictures this time and on the video recorded many shots of Faith.  She actually was still long enough that we could see along her side and legs.  It was amazing to see her face and look at Nate’s and see how similar their facial features are. How long she will live is still something only the Father knows, but according to Dr. Mirabile, statistically she will probably live no more than 24 hours when she is born.  The date of delivery is still set for August 14, only 36 days away.  My amniotic fluid is at a high level, but it is not interfering with my health yet.  I am occasionally having difficulty breathing, but usually it is toward the end of the day and probably more from fatigue than the fluid putting pressure on my lungs.  This of course could change, but so far, the date will stand.

One of the hardest decisions we had to make was whether to have her buried or cremated.  I’ll admit this was not the kind of decision I envisioned would need to be made by us anytime soon, much less for our infant daughter.  Last week a couple of things came together that led us to make a decision that we were both at peace with.  On July 3, we “celebrated” the 3 year anniversary of buying our Envoy (do we know how to party or what? J) and we were reminded that back then, we had no clue we would even think about moving, much less move out of Texas.  A friend from a ladies Bible study, Kristen Morgan and her husband Colby who had moved out of state earlier this year shared with me a while back about the loss of their twins and that they had made the decision to cremate and keep the urns with them.  I thought about how agonizing that would have been for them to leave the twins behind here in Oklahoma when they moved if they had opted for burial.  Now no matter where in the world they are, the twins will be with them.  Bill and I also realized that who knows where we will be in 3-5 years.  Hopefully we won’t need to move anytime soon, but if we did, I couldn’t bear leaving Faith behind.  So, we will opt for cremation and keep the urn with us.  I have been looking online for an outfit for her to wear on her Birthday and before the funeral home comes to get her, we will change her out of the outfit and wrap her in a soft pink blanket.  Her urn will be on our mantel and next to it a teddy bear will have her Birthday outfit on.

Our next ultrasound is July 31, so we will have one more time to get more pictures and video.  We will also be meeting with the Pediatrician to go over the birth plan for Faith and what will be done and what will not be done.  We will also be meeting with our Young Adult pastor soon to discuss dedicating Faith in the hospital room.  So many details and decisions still to be made, so please keep us in prayer that everything would fall into place and that we would be at peace with each choice made.