I asked Bill a couple of weeks ago if he would be interested in writing an entry from a Dad's perspective, so today's entry is from Bill, Daddy to Hope, Nate and Faith.
For those of you who have been following our blog for some time, we have kept everyone up to date on the condition of our unborn daughter, Faith Kathryn, who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 back in April. The following is an account of the journey that we have traveled that I would like to share with you from a father's perspective.
As a father, I have obviously never felt the physical pains of giving birth to a child, but I have experienced the joy along with Cheryl of being able to hold a new life created by God in my arms. I shared the same anxiety when we were expecting Hope, our first child, since neither of us had a clue about raising children. Only one of us had any sort of babysitting experience in the past, and that person was not me. J So, when Hope was born, we learned by trial and error, mostly error, but we persevered and have been learning as much about parenthood as Hope has about life itself. Then, when we learned that we were expecting Nate, the emotions admittedly at first were not thoughts of thankfulness. Hope had been such a challenge the first few years that we really didn't think we could handle another child. But God saw differently; He saw that we not only had the ability to raise another child, but that we would do so with gladness. We could not imagine our lives without Nate now.
When we found out this past December that we were expecting again, we were happy that God had chosen us to bring another precious life into the world. However, unlike with Hope and Nate, I never felt the strong sense to share this news with those close to us. I could not put my finger on it at the time, and even now, I still am not totally sure of the reasons for my hesitation, but looking back, perhaps He was preparing my heart for the bombshell that would be dropped on us a couple of months later.
During the first ultrasound at the end of March, we went in with the simple expectations of learning whether we were having a boy or a girl. The ultrasound revealed that the baby was a girl, but we were noticing that the ultrasound technician was spending an unusually lengthy time examining the baby's heart. When Dr. Mirabile came in to do his examination, he informed us that our daughter had a heart defect. He mentioned several possible causes for the condition, and also told us that the heart defect may be an indicator of a much more serious problem than just a heart issue. We were obviously startled by the news, and over the next three weeks we prayed that God would bring a miraculous healing for the heart, and that when we went in for the next ultrasound, that things would be OK.
The next ultrasound was performed three weeks later, at which time Dr. Mirabile explained the potential causes for the heart issue. In order for us to know for sure whether we were simply dealing with a medically fragile baby or if the baby had serious genetic defects, we elected to have an amniocentesis performed. Two days later, we received a phone call from the doctor's office that dealt us a devastating blow – Faith had tested positive for Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards Syndrome. At this particular point, both of us just broke down and wept because we knew that Trisomy 18 was a fatal condition, meaning that we would not get the opportunity to do any of the tasks that many of us take for granted when raising a baby – changing her diaper, giving her a bath, watching her learn to crawl, watching her take her first steps, listening to her cry when she was hungry, getting up in the middle of the night to feed her, having he r picture taken, and so on. All of the plans that we had for her had just been blown out of the water.
As a father, I could not begin to comprehend the depth of sorrow that Cheryl felt when she knew that the baby she was carrying and growing inside of her would not have a chance at a normal life. However, I can say that hearing this news was to me the equivalent of getting kicked in the stomach. For days, I was just numb and didn't really care much about anything. I found myself withdrawing from my own family and burying myself in my work, because I knew that was something that I could somewhat control. I didn't feel like spending time with my kids, and times I spent with Cheryl were often times without words being spoken. I was becoming emotionally isolated, and often found myself questioning God as to why He allowed this to happen to our family. I didn't turn my back on God, but I did find myself losing interest in praying and reading His word. Many times going to church was simply going through the motions for me. I felt completely disconnected from the Father.
Gradually, as the days and weeks passed, and I came to acceptance of what was going to happen to Faith, I began to remember God's promises that He does not put on us any more than we can bear, and that He works all things to bring glory to Himself. Obviously, I knew He could heal Faith miraculously if He chose to, but as time passed, I began to realize that He was going to be glorified in a different way. I didn't know how, and to some degree I still don't know, but I decided at that point to trust Him with this trial and prayed that He would be glorified through us and the manner in which we dealt with it.
With each ultrasound appointment, we noted no real change in Faith's overall condition, except that she just wasn't growing at the rate of a healthy baby. We had been told that even though her condition was still unchanged, we would probably still be able to have a little time with her here on Earth. The window kept decreasing with each successive ultrasound appointment, but we still held onto the hope that Faith would be born alive and that we would be able to hold her in our arms and share in her brief life.
At the last ultrasound appointment on Friday, July 31, Dr. Mirabile delivered news that we weren’t prepared for. We were told that due to new complications that were detected in the ultrasound, there was a strong chance that Faith would be stillborn if we stayed with the original delivery date of August 14. Thus, with much prayer and consultation, we made the decision to move up the delivery date to August 6 to hopefully improve the chances of Faith being born alive and us being able to have some time with her before she passed on.
At some point between July 31 and the morning of August 6, Faith Kathryn went home to be with Jesus. During the preparation for the C-section, Cheryl’s OB-GYN performed a final ultrasound to determine Faith’s position, and it was during that final ultrasound that we were told that a heartbeat could not be detected, and that it was almost certain that Faith had already passed away. While we did not get the chance to share in her life here on Earth, we know that she is no longer suffering and is free from all sickness and pain, and that she is whole and complete. I can almost picture her dancing with the angels in heaven even now. In some respects, I am a little envious that she is already getting to meet all of the saints that have gone on before, as well as our family's ancestors, even though I would have longed for some time with her here. However, I believe that God showed us His mercy by taking her home before the delivery so that we would not have to deal with the pain of watching her draw her final breath.
We take comfort in knowing that because of the promise of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and what He did for us on
“Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms, leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.”
For those out there who don’t know the Lord, I am sure many of them are thinking, “Why did they go through all of this just to wind up losing the baby in the end? Why didn’t they just terminate the pregnancy?” Plain and simple, we know that God is the author and creator of life, and it is His decision as to when a life begins and ends, not ours. We believe that we have brought honor to God by carrying Faith to term, and we have no regrets with our decision. Even though God did not intend for her to remain here with us, she has touched the lives of many that we know of and likely countless more lives that we do not know of and will probably never know of this side of heaven.
Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” So, whether you face good times or bad, remember that He is doing a good work in you and will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
God is good, all the time!
