At long last, I feel ready to share about the events of August 6.  I know I would have done this sooner, but my 7 day detour in the hospital for blood clots caused delays in more ways than one.  When you are concerned about whether or not you’re going to live, all other issues take a backseat.

The morning of Faith’s birthday started very early for us.  We had to get up at 430am to be at the hospital by 530am.  We are not early birds, so this was quite brutal for us.  Our bags were already packed and just needed to get dressed, pack up the computer and load up the truck.  Unlike the mornings of Hope and Nate’s birth, we were understandably subdued.  In some ways, I dreaded what would come that morning, but knew that no matter the outcome, the Lord would sustain us.  I could see flashes of lightning off to the north as we were getting ready and saw that there was a line of storms heading our way.  I remember hoping that the hospital had a backup generator, in case the power went off during the delivery.

We buckled ourselves in and opened the garage door and drove out.  We normally back into the garage so that when we leave we just drive on forward.  As we pulled out that morning, I saw the most awesome sight.  It was almost a full moon surrounded by several small clouds.  The moon reflection was so bright that the clouds looked black in the center and white on the edges.  It was such a beautiful sight and I found myself staring at it as we drove out of the subdivision.  On our drive into town, there were flashes of lightning all around us.  We could see it to the west far off into the distance, to the south and east of us as well as from the north.  Lightning and rain seemed to surround us on all sides, except where we were.  I remember feeling very calm, a strange calm, as I looked at the beautiful moon and surrounding clouds.  For the first time in days, I finally felt the Lord’s presence with us.  I’m sure that He created that scene to remind me that not only is He the creator of all things, He is also in control of all events, and that everything happens according to His plan and schedule.  I know without this reminder I would have crumbled under the weight of despair during the events in the coming hours.

We arrived at the hospital and after signing a couple of forms were taken to the prep/monitoring room.  I prayed one last time that there wouldn’t be an issue with my IV.  When the nurse came in, I asked her if the phrase “valvy veins” meant anything to her.  She said absolutely and while taking a look at my left hand agreed that they were and said she wouldn’t try the IV in my left hand.  The worst part of the IV insertion was the local anesthetic given beforehand, but after that it was a perfect insertion the first time.  This was such an answer to prayer since prior attempts before Hope and Nate’s deliveries involved 4 painful attempts at insertion.

Next Jason arrived, our friend who agreed to be there to take pictures of our time with Faith.  We told him that after much discussion and prayer that when Faith left us, that there would be no more pictures.  It just didn’t seem right to have a picture of a dead baby.  Then Kevin our young adult pastor arrived a few minutes later and we were all talking about the storm and how we hoped that the hospital had a backup generator.  Then Dr. E came in, my OB/GYN and said she wanted to do a quick ultrasound to see where Faith’s head was to determine how they were going to do the incision internally.  So Jason and Kevin left and the portable machine was brought into the room.  Within a few seconds, it was painfully clear that we were too late because there was no heartbeat.  I didn’t react how I thought I would and can only attribute it to the Lord’s covering me with His merciful grace.  I thought if this were to happen that I would break down uncontrollably, but I didn’t.  I could tell my Dr was disappointed for me and said she was so sorry.  I know this turn of events made it hard for her to focus on her job, knowing this delivery wouldn’t have a noisy ending, but utter silence.  After she left, Kevin and Jason returned to the room and we told them the news.  It was only a few more minutes left until time to go into the OR and so we asked them to watch for Bill’s Mom and Sister who were coming up to the hospital with Hope and Nate in the waiting area.  As they left my Mom popped in the room to see me before the delivery.  For the first time I had to say that she, Faith, was gone.  It was the hardest thing for me to say.  Mom told me through tears in her eyes that on her way to the hospital she saw the most beautiful rainbow in the sky.  God was taking Faith home and that was His sign to remind us of His promises, that we would see her again and that this wasn’t goodbye forever.

The walk to the delivery room seemed to take forever and in my usual attempt to try to ease the tension of a very difficult situation, I was cracking my usual jokes.  Dr. B my anesthesiologist and I were talking about the different methods that were used in the past, specifically those that are mentioned in several different M*A*S*H episodes.  Later on after Faith had been delivered and Dr. E was making preparations to close me up I thought I was hearing a suction device.  I asked if she hadn’t closed me up yet if she could liposuction some of my excess fat while she was down there.  Unfortunately she had already closed me up.  Dr. M, the pediatrician came over and told me that Faith was 2 lbs and 11 oz and 15 in long.  I’m sure that Faith probably had passed on before that morning, because the prior Friday she was 3 lbs.  The Dr and the nurse made footprints and handprints on their keepsake birth certificate that they give.  I’m not sure if they were the ones that saved some of Faith’s hair also or if it was my family that did it later.  After being wrapped up in several blankets, Faith was brought over to us and Daddy held her as they got ready to take me to my room.  It was a full house in there, with my Mom, Bill’s Mom and Sister, Hope, Nate, Jason and Kevin. 

Once I was settled in and the nurses had left, Kevin began the dedication ceremony, though for me it seemed so pointless. This was not how I envisioned this morning to be.  It was supposed to be filled with us holding our living breathing daughter.  She was to hold our fingers in her tiny hands and feel her warm soft delicate skin.  We were supposed to show Hope her baby sister and even let her hold her for a minute.  We were supposed to have a family picture with all of our children. We wanted to put her dress on and hold her and talk to her, maybe even try to feed her. Why, why did He have to take her so soon?

After Kevin finished and before he left, I started feeling nauseated and began throwing up again.  I can barely remember everyone in the room yet I could see the pity in their faces for me.  Here I was throwing up and trying to deal with the enormous loss of that morning and there was nothing anyone could do for me.  Next, there was a flurry of activity making the hand and foot impressions.  I remember comments about the black ink still on her hands and feet and that there was a little black ink in the impressions.  I could tell something was off because I never could see Faith out of her blankets.  When everything had been done, one of the nurses came in and said that they could place Faith in cold storage if we weren’t ready to say good bye to her yet.  It never entered my mind that such a thing would be needed in a birthing center.  We agreed for her to be put in there and that we weren’t ready for the funeral home to come and get her.  Everyone began to leave and my Mom told me before leaving that I shouldn’t unwrap Faith’s blankets.  She didn’t say why but I could tell it was her mother’s instinct to protect her “baby” from something she knew I wouldn’t be able to handle.  She did say it was almost more than she could handle.  I think that I’m the only one of those present in the room that still doesn’t know what was so physically wrong with Faith.  Maybe I’ll be able to ask Bill someday soon.

The rest of the day is just a blur and the only thing I do remember is Jason coming back to bring Bill dinner.  I know that if it weren’t for all the pain meds, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep that night.  I know in my mind I began to understand why the Lord took Faith home early, that perhaps it would have been too much for us to see her struggling and in pain while taking her last breath.  It still didn’t make it easier to accept.  The last thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep that night was asking God, “Why, why, why…..”, a question that probably won’t be answered until I’m in His presence with Faith by my side.