Back in 1983, while we were living in the Houston area, Hurricane Alicia made landfall.  We lived in the NW portion of Harris County so the storm surge was a non-issue for us.  The winds were another story, especially since we lived in a subdivision filled with very tall pine trees.  Thankfully we didn’t have any damage done to the house by falling tree limbs.  The storm itself was a little scary, but it was what happened afterwards that made it miserable.  As expected, our power went out and did not get restored until after 3 days.  The first day wasn’t too bad since there was still significant cloud coverage and the air was rain-cooled.  The second day started getting a little bit warmer and the house began to heat up as well.  Then came the third day when the sun appeared in full force, the humidity was so thick you could cut it with a knife and the inside of the house was unbearable.  Just about everyone on our block was out doing clean-up work because it was simply too hot to stay indoors.  New Orleans experienced the ultimate nightmare aftermath after weathering Katrina’s winds only to become flooded the next day after the levees collapsed.

That’s the thing about storms, the actual storm itself may not be as hard as enduring the circumstances afterwards.  That’s a very good description of what the month of August was like for our family.  You could see the storm coming in and knew it was time to batten down the hatches, so to speak.  We were preparing ourselves to say goodbye to Faith and bracing ourselves for her last breath.  For reasons known only to the Lord, we never experienced this scenario. 

I know people keep saying how strong I am but quite frankly it was more shell shocked numbness than strength.  I tried to suppress it for a long time, but I admit I was pretty upset with the Lord.  Even now, I’m still in a wrestling match with the Lord, asking him why we weren’t allowed to say hello to our daughter.  I read a story about a couple in the Dallas area that had a very similar experience with their son, who had Trisomy 13, except that they were able to bring their son home and he lived for 5 days.  I was so jealous and angry, not understanding why they got to bring their son home while we walked out of the hospital empty handed.  Then I read that this was their first child and at that I felt utterly ashamed of myself.  How could I be jealous of them when they didn’t have any other children?  We had two beautiful children waiting for us at home and had experienced the joy of welcoming them into the world.  At the end of the story, it was revealed that this couple is expecting a girl in January and that all tests have come back normal.  I found myself asking for the Lord’s forgiveness over my selfishness and giving Him praise for blessing this couple who had endured so much heartache with their first born.

Of course what seemed to add insult to injury was my subsequent admittance into the hospital for blood clots in my lungs.  The pain was like nothing I had experienced before, and that should have been a huge clue to get my rear end into a doctor’s office.  When the doctor at the clinic said it was either pneumonia (I was in so much pain that I didn’t even notice I had a fever of 101) or blood clots in my lungs, Bill and I just looked at each other.  He told us that we needed to go to an ER for further evaluation.  I asked him how soon we needed to go and he said I had enough time to go get my toothbrush.  Here I was, already mentally and emotionally drained and experiencing unbearable pain, now I had to go back into a hospital.  I was scared and so many thoughts were running through my head.  I begged God not to bring me home yet.  I know as a believer we are supposed to be heaven-bound minded, but I am not ready yet.  I want to grow old with Bill, my lover and best friend, watch Hope and Nate grow up and to be able to be their teacher and share their delight in learning new things.  I want to be around my extended family and to be able to minister to others who are hurting and in need.  I know that as mothers, we do have the tendency of being more mindful of taking care of others and neglecting our own needs.  I have been guilty in recent years of not taking care of myself and if anything, this experience has reminded me that it is in my family’s best interest that I do need to be mindful of my health.

That week was probably the longest week of my life.  The days seemed to drag on and on and with each day, my sleep continued to be spotty.  At one point I was so depressed when the kids were brought to the room and Nate didn’t want to come over to me.  It was like I was losing him too, that he didn’t know who I was.  I’m so thankful that Bill, my hero, held me in his arms and reminded that this was only temporary and that this would not be forever, that I was still Nate and Hope’s Mom and nothing would change that.  When you’re stuck in a hospital room and your discharge date keeps getting pushed further out, you begin to wonder if there is an end in sight and can lose perspective.

Last Thursday was the 4 week mark of Faith’s birth and I found myself finally allowing myself to miss her.  There were days last week when I would look at the mantel and see the bear with her dress on and the box urn next to it and have such an empty feeling.  I know that every family picture taken from now on will be missing our Faith.  I found myself imagining what she would look like by now.  The ultrasound pictures showed her facial features favored Nate’s and at her birth saw she had a full head of black curly hair.  Knowing that this little girl with the black curly hair would never be in the picture is devastating.  Someone told me it will be like a wound that will heal for a while only to ooze again when it is least expected.  They were so right because there have been days when I’m doing ok and actually can get through the day without crying, but others it’s all I can do just to get through the hour.  My slow physical healing isn’t helping matters either, where I feel like it is two steps forward, one step back.  It’s hard enough recovering from a c-section, but trying to recover from a 7 day hospital stay on top of that is making it slow going.  For the first time in a month I drove myself last Friday for a short one stop errand and it was exhausting. The next day I did a couple of errands and it was exhausting also.  I’ve been off the pains medication since this past Monday and while my mind is now out of the drug cloud, my body isn’t thrilled to be experiencing the pain and discomfort.

We are all looking forward to our trip to the beach, but Hope is probably the most excited.  All she’s been talking about is going to the beach house and getting seashells and building sand castles.  I ordered a little booklet about seashells with each page describing a different kind of seashell with a picture sticker for each one.  I laminated them so that we can take them to the beach with us and not worry about getting the pages wet.  I’m also hoping that we aren’t visited by a tropical storm or hurricane.  We deserve a break to have a nice calm and enjoyable trip. J