Sep. 26, 2006 - Attacked?
I had an experience today that I am not sure will go into words very well. But I will try because I want to try and work some of this out in writing (and what better way to do that than on a blog. HA!!!)
At some point in recent months I have mentioned on a yahoo group.that my family and I are now attending a church plant in the Dallas area. I would prefer to keep this ministry out of this particular blog though. We were attending a Bible church for a while but we eventually moved on. It took us a long time to find a church we really liked and that fit our beliefs. A missionary mentor friend of ours mentioned that this ministry might be something that would fit our family. Great!! But there was not one near our area. Bummer!!
About a year later we just happen to check their website again and they were beginning plans to plant a church in our area. Yea!!!! We checked into what their statement of faith and it lined up with ours as well. We began attending this church one year ago this coming weekend. It was also the same weekend they moved from a small hotel business room to the school where we currently meet on the weekend. So this weekend we all celebrate our one year anniversary. It's grown tremendously for a little church that meets in a school. My dh really likes it. But I am struggling.
The church is very sound doctrinally. Grace is the central message. For someone that has struggled with the meaning of grace all my life it's been such a refreshing place to be.
This afternoon I received an email from a precious woman who has obviously had some issues with another church in this ministry. I was sad for her and can totally empathize with her experience (whatever it may have been.) We didn't recieve the best of care in the Bible church we were attending either. It left us churchless and untrusting for a very long time. My dh has finally broken through that. I am still struggling.
This email was very short but it had an newsletter attached to it entitled "Should I leave my church?" It was in the form of a question and answer deal. The question relayed information that strongly fit one of the leaders in our brotherhood of churches but there were no names mentioned. I knew who they were talking about because it made specific reference to a book this man has written. I honestly got to that point and stopped reading.
I was pretty angry. It wasn't the kind of anger where someone rebukes you, you know they are right, but you feel anger at first anyway. No, this anger was more the kind that questions why this person choose me. It was anger because I already struggle to trust the church as it is. This was going to make things VERY hard on me. And I have been wrestling with portions of my faith recently. WHY NOW? I believe this person was sincere in their concern for me. But I was mad and scared at the same time. Legalism is a real struggle for me and I have prayed for a very long time to break it in me. This church had begun to lead me in a way that I could break free from the legalism. But now I could feel that legalism and fear creeping up again.
I didn't know what to do or say. Knowing that my dh is much more theologically sound and more discerning than I am (as well as my spritualhead and protector) I forwarded the email to him and told him simply that I was speechless and on the verge of tears. You see, I have been struggling to even want to go to church. We missed again this weekend. The weekend before we left because I was sick (ut it was gone once I got home. It's was kind of a weird experience.) This email didn't help the fact that I struggling to trust ANY church. Now there was doubt AGAIN in my mind. Just as I was beginning to break loose some of the chains Satan has entrapped me in regarding the church in general, this email shattered any freedom I had gained.
My dh called me and asked very kindly to allow him to handle this. I am pregnant and he doesn't want me upset. I have real issues with my liver during my pregnancies. If my liver gets overloading physically and emotionally then I will have problems that will eventually put my baby in danger. "Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools." (Eccl 7:9) Did you know that anger resides specifically in the liver? Considering the fact that last night I began the early stages of itchy feet and hands, I don't need more junk to cloud the works. My dh is protective of me. . .and I treasure that. He's what my father never was to me. :) And he did handle it. He sent a very corgial email asking that there be no more contact regarding this matter. He explained our position on our church.
The outcome of this has been used for good in my life. I have come to realize that issues with the church are my own fault. I don't trust the church but that doesn't mean they are untrustworthy. What it means is that I going to have to let my guard down and allow these beautiful people to love me. I am going to have to trust the Titus 2 women who are eager to lead me. I need them to lead me. But I have been too prideful to let them in. I cried out to God this afternoon to forgive my attitude toward the church. But I know that He's going to have to change my heart. I can't make these changes on the outside. I must trust Him to lead and guide me. And trust is operatice word because I have no clue what to do going forward.
My dh has taken this off my shoulders. He won't even allow me to read the response he received back from this person. No biggie. If I really knew the response I would have been up all night thinking about it. He knows ME. Isn't that what a husband should do? Know his wife so intimately that he knows the things that will hinder her walk. This would have definately been a issue with me.
I guess the words did finally come. This was a description of how God used my afternoon to shape and mold me. I questioned at first whether this person was really led by the Spirit to email me. She said she's been praying to try and figure out whether she should or not. I respect that. But God didn't use it the same way she probably expected. And I hope if any hurt was felt on her end that God will use it to shape and mold her. And I pray more than anything that she will find healing from her past hurts and the bitterness it has left.
I am pretty tired after my day. My ds and I also had a very emotional day as well. I am going to write about that tomorrow because it was just such a treasure in my heart. Or maybe I'll write tonight. LOL!!!! Nonetheless, I am pretty tired.
God Bless
Comments
Sep. 26, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by babymakers
I understand how hard it is when you are switching churches. That is what we are doing right now! BLAAH!
It is good that you have a husband that loves you enough to take care of this situation for you.
