Oct. 26, 2006 - Heavy hearts tonight
This hasn't been the best of days for my family. I am going through alot of junk in my walk with the Lord. It seems as if He's trying to get my attention but I am not listening. So I keep getting more and more miserable in my rebellion. I had a good cry and prayer this afternoon to begin working through some of my rebellion. But I am pretty messed up so there is a long road ahead of me.
Speaking of rebellion. I have a 7 year that is full of it. She's trying so hard to do the right things. I can see the look of disappointment on her when she's again caught in the usual sins. But today was different. She got caught in a sin she's never had before. The pain in her eyes was hard to ignore. But I had to. She deliberately defied and disobeyed me. And she got caught in front of her younger brother so that made it worse. I held my temper (it's been flaring a lot lately.) I was in the middle of my cry with the Lord when she was caught so I sent her quietly to her room to wait on me until her little brother woke up. What made it worse is that I could tell as she walked to her room that her heart wasn't as broken as I first thought. She has a way of grabbing the side of the dresses and "marching" off to appear that she's compliant. But it's so obvious her little heart is angry at me for catching her in her sin and being upset over it. She been making comments about how everyone hates it when she has fun. "Is sin fun?" I have asked her many times. Silence comes at that point with lots of anger behind the eyes. Oh when will this child begin to see her sin as it really is. . .oh wait a minute. When will I begin to see MY sin for what it really is? And there you have it folks!! The true reason God gives us children. . .they are a mirror to the very core of our own souls. (and I often feel just as angry as she does when my sin is drawn out and focused on.)
My very good friend whom we have been playing with alot over the past week called to inform me that her two dds have parasites. Here we go again. The problem is that I think there is a chance it may have come from our house. My youngest is having issues in the back end. And he's been throwing up for no reasons. Good signs of parasites. It's just a suspecion. Drs can't test well for parasites so I am not even going to bother. My naturopath could but I already owe her money so I can't take him in to her. I have all the stuff i need here for a parasite cleanse so I started him on it tonight to see if that helps. But I will be staying away from indoor playgrounds again. I let up on that family rule. I wish I hadn't. Urgh!!! This is not going to be fun. But he'll feel better and possibly start behaving a little better. My next pursuit is to get my youngest dd cleanse of Candida. But I cant' do that until after the baby is born. Then I can take her to my naturopath and we'll know exactly what to target at that point. But the news just put a damper on the day.
More sin. My brother in law is having some tough problems right now. I don't want to go into detail. We are all praying that he will come back to the Lord (or turn there for the first time if he's never been before.) The bottom is dropping out from under him. No one can get a hold of him. My dh fears that he's barricaded himself in his home with lots of alcohol. Not the answer. He needs Jesus. The whole situation needs Jesus. Will he come home? Only God knows. And God is chasing him down right now. We are praying for him.
My dh is really out of sorts tonight with everything going on with his brother. He also had to get up really early to be in Chicago by 8 am. Poor guy. He's trying to so hard to be a strong family man. But doing that and winning the business his sales position requires is a tough job. I am trying to hold down things here at home. Pregnancy is wearing me out. He wants to be home for though. I don't know whether to pray for success in his sales ventures so he can be home more OR to pray for a different calling so he can be home permanently. Is it selfish to want him home permanently? I miss him. I don't like that he travels. I have adjusted and will support him in everything he does. But I want him home.
So my heart is heavy. I am preparing a fairly long blog to be posted over the next few weeks. It's all part of God's plan for my life right now. It's going to require me to do somethings I don't like and that I am extremely uncomfortable doing. I am having a hard time wording my post and actually putting it out there. There is great sacrifice involved in it. And it's a sacrifice I think I am still trying to talk God out of. Good grief. Could I be more like my 7 yod? Maybe God has given this child to me as my first so that I can see just how ugly in sin I really am. And I sometimes feel so hopeless that I will every overcome it.
I am off to bed to dream weird dreams again. I love being pregnant but I don't like late term pregnancy dreams. But I think they are intended to prepare the mother for the light sleeping she most have with a newborn. Despite the fact that I cosleep, I am still a light sleeper with my baby. I guess it's the protective nature of being a mom. The good things is that when it's time to nurse, we just nurse and then sleep is sweet. I am getting very excited about holding this baby.
Comments
Oct. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by youngmommy
Oh, Karen, my heart aches for you. I am lifting you up in prayer right now, my dear sister! Lean on Christ for strength and He will pull you through the sin and darkness. May you be filled with His love and peace!
Thank you for your opennes and willingness to share your struggles. Nothing is too big for God!!!
Blessings,
Christine
Oct. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by babymakers
Well, the good news is that most Americans have parasites so it is not like you are just an oddball. At least you are addressing the situation. Make sure that you are treating ALL of you though! Otherwise there is not a point.
I agree with the children bringing our sin to light. I refer to children as little holy spirits. Maybe that is why people with large families are often so mature in their walks with God. With so many little holy spirits walking around how could you not grow?!?
I hope everything works out for you. It sounds rough. I would hate to have my husband gone all the time. Just remember that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD if you are a child of God.
Oct. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by MyLittleWomen
Karen~
I can totally sit with you in this struggle both with yourself and your dd7. I am stuggling with areas that need changing and that when I look at dd6(and sometimes dd4) I see it in her. How can I possible expect my little girl to change if I refuse to? sigh....
If you'd like to chat with someone that probably can relate...feel free to email me, you've got my address :-)
Blessings,
Sommer
Oct. 29, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by TwmCrm2001
Wow, sounds like one of those 'rough spots' in life. My heart goes out to you. I, too, have a rebellious firstborn, and he is, in looks and personality, his mother's child. He is one of the joys of my life, but he can be a heart ache, too. I have had so many days where I just want to throw up my hands and say, "Forget it! I give up!" But we can't, can we? And on those days, he usually does something that reminds me *why* I train my children the way I do. It will be worth it in the end! ~Cassandra
Oct. 29, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by jengresak
I'm praying for you KAren!
