One Thing is Necessary - A Higher Calling!!!

Oct. 31, 2006 - A Higher Calling!!!

I have been trying to figure out all day what I would title this blog. That title just hit me as I sat down to write. I have always had a passion to write. I am not a good writer though. But it's definately something I love to do. I have a huge box full of spirals that I have filled up in my 10 years of marriage. I love to journal and I have to be very careful not to let it take over my prayer and study time in the morning. But today it seemed a necessary part of my quiet time. My journal entry basically became God's call in writing. And I believe it's something He wants me to share here.

*** Like always, this will probably be long. I hope I don't bore too many people with this.***

I have been wrestling intently with my calling as a woman. Like alot of homeschool moms (especially on this blog) I grew up in the public school setting and was bombarded with feminist message after feminist message. I was a Christian but I still held alot of feminist views. I can recall times in my youth when I would read a passage of scripture about wife or women and I couldn't make sense of the passage in light of what the world around me lived. And there was no one to lead the way. I think it was most confusing to me because I watch so many women in my church, women I looked up to, live out the feminist model in their lives.

I married with these ideas as well. I didn't know the slightest bit about submitting to my husband. I had a career so there wasn't time to submit and take care of my home. We went our seperate ways each day and then would hang out on the weekend. We were kids that were married and had NO responsibility outside of the work. He didn't lead and I didn't follow. I didn't want children when we first married and he wanted to wait 4 years. . .at least. God had a different plan when i began to long for a children into our 2nd year of marriage and He answered that longing the next year. My dh and I were shocked. I was elated. . .he wasn't so sure. But even being elated didn't keep me from considering the feminist mindset. And driving by day cares everyday going to work didn't help much.

Being a stay at home was a peace of cake for me in the beginning. I loved being home with my baby. She became known as my "bell schedule" because she would literally eat, sleep, and poop on a schedule. I figured it was because she spent so much time listening to the bells rings at school. LOL!!!! We lived in a small apartment and that made it very easy to keep up. I was an expert at stocking up in the kitchen and with toiletries. I started to learn more and more about cooking with whole foods. And I even kept up with the budget. I did such a great job with the budget that I was able to save enough of my dh's commission checks for a down payment on our first house in less than a year.

But I wasn't a good mom. I forced alot of those schedule patterns on my newborn. I used the cry it out method and it killed me. I was following the advice of a Christian couple in my child training. Mind you, I never consulted my dh. He was fine with what we were doing at the time and wanted the perfect baby. I later found out that this couple had sort of a shadey past and they refuse to listen in areas of church discipline. They left the church and then started attacking the pastor of the church that called them out. As a result of following their advice, my dd spent alot of time by herself. I also spent alot of time running from Bible studies to MOPS groups. All in the name of making sure that momma was filled up and taken care of so she could take care of the family. (Don't get me started on my view of mother's groups. It wouldn't be pretty.) But what about the baby?

I discovered I was pregnant with my 2nd the weekend we moved into our new house. Boy was I tired. It was alot harder to keep up with my house then. Six months into my pregnancy I was in a head on collision. My car was totalled and the other guy drove away. This began a slow and steady fall into depression for me that ended in full blown post partum depression after my baby was born. Much to my dismay, I ended up having to be medicated to get out of it. I hated it every step of the way.

Despite feeling better, I still dealt with tremendous fear after that accident. My greatest fear was my children. What would happen if I died in a car accident and my babies were left in the back screaming for mommy? I couldn't help them. Who would take care of them? Hind sight can tell me now that God was using that time in my life to reveal His Sovereignty and that He's always in control. But it took along time for me to learn that.

So with all that my home keeping skills went down the drain. I was overwhelmed. It didn't help that I became pregnant shorty after my ds turned one. Oh, and let's add to that misery a call from my dh on the same day informing me that his job had been terminated and that his miserly boss had cheated him out of a very large amount of money. Could it get any worse than this? YES!!! At 14 weeks pregnant I had to have my appendix removed or risk it bursting and losing the baby completely. Oh, and there was no insurance so we were paying for this out of pocket. But we got to witness God's tremendous provision in that He provided a job for my dh and allowed us to pay off those bills in less than a year.

But things for me just seemed to keep going down hill. My last month of pregnancy was horrible. I was having daily fights with my mom (who was very upset over my choice to homebirth.) My liver disease had flared up in week 36 and was getting to be very painful and irritating. I was frightened of losing my baby to still birth (as a complication to the Cholestatis) but I wanted to trust my midwife who is a Christian and vowed to take care of me. We finally induced labor at 39 weeks and that was a disaster. I ended up transporting to the hospital, which is the last place I wanted to be. God, again, was gracious to me allowed my first attempts at breastfeeding to be successful. My precious baby latched on and never let go. LOL!!!!!

The only draw back to transporting was that she had go through a round of antibiotics because she passed her meconium. I also had to have a round of antibitoics because my midwife did not have my files with her stating that I had been tested for Group B and was negative. These two very small and trivial things (to most people anyway) have led me down a road I never thought I would be on. One month after she was born we both developed very painful thrush. I sought the help of my dr. To make a long story short, over the next 18 months I suffered from very severe food allergies and anaphylaxic reactions due to the fact that my body was so full of Candida. I was in the ER 3 times for anaphylaxic. Once I had to ride in the ambulance (which was fun but not something I want to repeat.) I discovered in all this that I had to change my diet. No sugar. No yeast. No dairy. No fruit except green apples. Just meat and veggies. That is hard to swallow when you are addicted to food. And so goes my life. I still don't like it and I fight it daily.

One thing I haven't mentioned over all this time is how I was an a mother. I was emotionally absent. I couldn't even keep up with my house. I screamed alot at my children and lost my temper alot. I no longer dealt with severe depression so my babies weren't in physical danger. But their hearts were in danger. Through this time the Lord began to convict me of just how bad a mother I really was. As I researched homeschooling I found more and more out there on godly womanhood. I was introduced to the idea that feminism is no where near God's best. His best is right in the Word of God. That was new to me. So I began trying harder and harder. But I wasn't getting any better at being a mom (or a wife for that matter.) We started to have issues in our church as well. Neither one of us was happy there anymore. We finally left the church. It's been 4 years and we have finally found a church.

We bought a house almost 3 years ago but nothing has changed. In fact, my homekeeping skills have gotten so bad that my house is filthy. I can't do anything about it because I am so worn out. I have 4 children under 7. I am pregnant with number 5. I am an emotional wreck. I am struggling with some things in my marriage (although we are working those through.) I am trying to homeschool as well. . .and I am failing miserably at teaching my children. They are rebellious and sometimes out of control. This leads to me losing my temper and then falling apart because I did.

So here I am today. Why write about all this? Because God is calling me to a higher calling and I finally listening. He doesn't want me to be caught in this web of sin anymore. He's set me free. I just have to claim that freedom and live in obedience to Him.

Several months ago the Lord led me to a passage in Ezekiel that I love. I believe that it's His message to me right now.

"And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within them And I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My ordinances and do them Then they will be My people, and I shall be their God." (Ezekial 11:19-20)

I have such a heart of stone right now. I have been unwilling to obey the Lord in where He's taking me. The greatest area of disobedience in with my diet. As radical as it sounds, I believe my calling right now is to reject man-made food and embrace the fact that God has given up life giving food in nature. I continue to serve meat to my family because my dh likes it. But I could go without it. It may be needed to get my body back where it needs to be so that I can fight the Candida more. My immune system is shot. God has blessed me with knowledge so that I can apply it. I have been foolish and disobedience NOT to apply it. My alternative medicine won't work if the diet doesn't create an environment that is already able to fight.

Another area of conviction is my submission to my dh. Although it's gotten better through the years, there is so much more I need to learn. I suppose it works like that with everyone. We never really arrive. But right now, He's got alot to teach about my dh and following him.

Another area of disobedience is in my home. I can by a very organized person. Sometime I can be anal about it. I am a messy by nature but eventually that messy begin to bother me and I will turn from my wicked ways. LOL!!!! But I have allowed it to get so out of hand that I can't keep up anymore. I am overwhelmed by stuff so I can't keep up with my house. I am so overwhelmed that my dh is helping on the weekends to clean (and that is an embarassing admission for me to make.) Along with this, my spending is out of control. We aren't in debt and I don't use credit to feed my need to spend money. But I have taken us right up to the very limit of our checking account. And I accuse my dh of not taking our budget seriously. I overspend my cash for the month (which I use for toiletries and groceries and other things that might come up during the month.) I don't plan ahead with my menus like I know how to do so I end up overspending. . .OR we eat out. Which takes me back to the idea of eating what isn't food versus eating what is food. It's victious cycle that I can't seem to get a handle on.

Where am I going with all this? Back to my higher calling. Six weeks ago I began to sense a conviction in my heart to turn off the computer. Oh, I have taken breaks along the way. But they were never enough and never what God really wanted me to do. And I would fast from the TV only to find it back on during a time when I felt depressed. I am afraid to turn off the computer because that will leave me, well, out of the loop and out of control. What if I need to order something online (I do alot of my monthly shopping online because I don't use your normal everyday cleaning, medications, or food.) My homeschool group communicates soully through email. I have a couple of email loops I am on and I enjoy them. And then there is blogging. What will I do with my blog?

But God has begun to give me a vision of my life without TV or the computer. Of course, I have an ideal image in my head. And I believe God is showing me that I need HIS vision for my life. While my vision may be good. . .His is better.

I have been craving simplicity. If I didn't spend money on just stuff I could probably simplify. If I didn't have the distactions that I have, I could spend small periods of time daily simplifying my home and making it just exactly what it needs to be. We could live the war time living we believe the Lord is working into our marriage and family (see "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper.) If I could learn to let go of my dependence on stuff and depend on the Lord, then life would be easier to simplify and perhaps the joy of living in Christ would return to my heart.

Obedience is my higher calling. That entails giving over the things that I find important and sacrificing for HIM. It takes courage to be a woman of God. It takes courage to be all that I believe God is calling me to be regardless of whether other people are doing it to. The Lord is growing courage in my heart. He's taking me places I never thought I would be.

So where does the partical side of all this come into play? Well, very simply, it's time to say goodbye. God wants my blog. He wants my email. He wants my online shopping malls. He's asking me to give them up for my higher calling. He wants the TV. He wants my anger. And he wants my spending. No more useless stuff. He's wants my heart wholey devoted to Him. And until He gets my heart, the agony and separation in my heart will never find peace. I mentioned my heart being heavy in a recent post. It lacks faith right now in a Holy God that He's in control. My heart lacks a severe understanding of the grace given to me. I KNOW that I am saved by grace and that nothing I DO can save me. But grace isn't something my heart can get ahold of. It's all in my head. I want it in my heart.

So with that, I am signing off. . .for good. I will be asking my dh to take control of my email and give me important information as it's needed. I am shutting down one of my email addresses. I am shutting off the TV. And I am giving my heart to the Lord to mold and share as He sees fit. I don't have a choice anymore. I have tried to live my life without Him in the center. And it's put me on the run. I don't trust people and that is something He doesn't want in my life anymore. I am angry at people. Anger is a sin and it must go (besides, it's making me physically ill.) I am spiraling out of control and I want to stop it all NOW.

I have so much enjoyed this blog. It's been fun to read what is going on the lives and hearts of other women like me. It's been sorrowful at times to read of the hardships fellow Christians are facing. Sometimes, it's just been plain informative for me. But I can't do it anymore. I am on information overload. I am tired of running and avoiding God. I pray that all the friends I have made through this blog are blessed by God.

I am off to live my higher calling to be wife, mother, and keeper AT home. I am off to build relationships with my children and to win their hearts back. I am off to learn how to cook from scratch and not purchase processed foods. I am off to get my body and health back. I am off to learn to submit to my dh and love him as I should. I am off to live the Great Adventure of Life. . .hopefully without too many distractions.

God Bless. . .and Good bye!!!

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