Well, for a short update, I just got a job. It’s actually at the same place that I wrote about in my last blog. Yes, another coffee shop job. I’ve always loved working with coffee, but the other environments I worked in left something to want. Whether it was the fact that the employees didn’t really want to be there (and neither did the managers, mind you) so work ethic was down or because they didn’t seem to understand that the people they were working with were actually people. So often we turn people who work around us into mere employees instead of human and I think that that even cheapens their work ethic as employees. People were often not free to make mistakes and I remember often work feeling like a prison. I think I see the difference now. If you open a company and hire workers simply because you want to make money and find something unique merely so people will pay for it, then everyone is merely there to think about green sheets of paper.
I’ve been a barista twice. But I’ve never been trained by watching a dvd of a man who has a PhD in measurements and studied coffee in Italy, while all of the people who were training with me watched and laughed at his obsession while getting involved in what he said because they loved coffee too and wanted to learn how to represent the best in the world. On top of that, as I’ve said before, this is a place where artists gather… and the more people hear about it, the more people from all different backgrounds will come here, most of them what I call “an extreme version of themselves,” a term I dubbed New Yorkers with a while back. This place is good for the soul; I’m yet to wrap my mind completely around the why’s yet.
The management consists of Jane and Tom. Tom is Polish; I really know nothing about him. He smiles at you though, which is a given good indication. I know a bit more about Jane though. I had a class with her my sophomore year. Specifically, Animal Biology in Dr. Jenkins’ class. Dr. Jenkins was one of the funniest men I’ve ever known in my life. He died almost exactly a year ago and was the kind of man I hope to model my life after because he literally ate up all this world had to offer in the area he loved every day; which, given that it was biology, meant everything alive. It was a perfect area for him to love, because he too represented how alive I think God means for us to be. Once he found what he loved, his entire world was about that thing and he didn’t just obsess about it and have a party where only he was invited. He would tease all of us at 8:00 class and poke me with sting rays and sometimes even call role just to humor the dean, who I think was one of his best friends. One morning he took two dead squids and held them up simultaneously to show what the male and female distinctly looked like and, when he was done, proceeded to turn their heads towards each other and made a lip smacking sound. Then he giggled and walked off. On a rare morning when he was calling role once, he called a guy’s name that had been absent several times who he never had the heart to count absent. This morning, he giggled to himself and said, “I know!! Let’s mark him absent! That’ll show ‘im….” He laughed at his own joke for the equivalent of a fourth of a second and proceeded to pull out a power point presentation with a picture of
Long story short, several people showed some true colors in there. I did. I couldn’t even begin to fake how uninvolved I felt in the subject. Of course, until we got to the mammal chapter. I passed that one with flying colors, to my recollection. Unfortunate there’s more than them in the tree. I would always look at Jane and be scared of her. She was such a sincere person and I never saw her smile because I don’t think she humored a lot of people. People like that have always been scary to me because I figure they can see right through me. Since then, God’s refined me to the point that I can lean more towards sincerity, otherwise I think I would have been nervous working around her. I still am a bit but not for the same reasons. If anything, she makes me feel quite at ease, because she seems to take people as they are. She would come up to me my first day of training and put her hands on my elbows and ask how I was doing. It was so sweet. Yeah, I pretty much love it here. I keep forgetting what I’m getting paid too because it doesn’t matter. I just want to be here.
Well, that’s my update. FYI, things concerning grieving over Emily are going better, but there are still times that can feel so strange. I found a golden bunny from Easter to cuddle with so that helps me to sleep. I never thought it would come to cuddling with an inanimate object when I was an adult, but you do what you can to process and transition, ya know? Love you all.
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So dad and I are sitting in one of the most unique and beautiful little coffee shops, full of art. Abstract art, crafts, wall art with visual games, lamps with lampshades that are made out of doll ladders... you name it. I brought him here because I love it so and the internet is free... not to mention the flower pedals that are flying by the windows from what I would guess are cherry trees, placed in front of a long line of old, some renovated, urban buildings. They don't have their own website yet but I showed him a picture of one of their lattes on facebook and he was impressed as I was: they do leaf and branch designs in the foam of their lattes. Talk about lovers of art. And the employees love it here too. I don't blame them but I'd prefer to sit here and and put my art on paper or canvas in my own time... even though another job wouldn't hurt.
So, the point. Dad just looked up from studying his MBA stuff and he said, "You know, it amazes me sometimes just how much variety there is in life." To which I said, "Yeah, as I say, 'if you think you've run out of options, you probably need to get out more.'" He cracked up. Because I think it's true. Especially here. I live in a very isolated city. Not the suburb part, but the urban part. I don't know the whole story of why it's comparable in appearance and size to Brooklyn yet there are so few people that inhabit or enjoy it except for a small area (and I do mean small) where the only reason to go there is to drink. But I want more out of life.
As such, you drive through sometimes thinking there's nothing to do. But I have been so fortunate to meet artistic community after artistic community that loves the Lord and loves life and they are practically striving to revive this city from a place that was once a capital for racism into a place where diversity is celebrated and it shows. It's in this way that they bring healing to this place where sometimes you feel haunted by the history of prejudice and violence. Yes, I love the people I know. It's as though if they can't find a place like all the wonderful places they've been in Europe and Africa and the major cities of America, then they create it here. After all, that's what artists do is create.
Yes, I suppose I have never really been out of options. And when I thought I was it was because I didn't know. On a side note, life's been taking some turns and all within about a month and a half. Some turns have been sharper than others and I've had to stop.
For one, our precious doggy, Emily, died. We thought it was rather quickly, but it turned out that she had cancer for quite sometime. I suppose she truly was the most accomodating dog I've known to human beings because she did not complain much and we didn't know. I can't get into it right now because I will cry again and I'm in the middle of the cafe, but it was quite hard... I've never held something before, during and after it died. But more than that something so close as that sweet dog was to me.
At the time, I was working a childcare job where sometimes we would have up to 12, 6 week-olds to a year, to two care workers. I cannot begin to tell you the exhaustion I experienced emotionally, often on a daily basis. Then I would go to ballet training at night. The goal there was to get good enough to audition for the professional ballet company here by September. But after Emily died, it was as if there were no options but to be more realistic with my limits. And in one way or another, I am grateful for it.
I called my brother after she was gone and he reminded me that "All things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose (Rom. 8:28)," and for his glory. I cannot tell you how I needed to hear that and how well that directed my thoughts because when someone or something we love suffers it is good to know that there is a reason and it was not in vain. And there was a reason, though I don't claim to know all of them. It came in the form of what I said, that I had to be realistic with my own limits.
The truth is, I have been so tired for so long. I know we all have, but there would be times, especially during college where I would grieve because I was deeply concerned that I was moving so fast and doing so much that I would miss out on a lot of beautiful things God wanted to show me. It was a constant cause of prayer, so I was driven to him anyway, but still exhausteed, sometimes asking Him not to show me anything because I felt so weighed down already.
After years of this, a lot of the unnecessary (not all of it... I'm certain it will be a process) was put to a stop. I quit being in such a hurry about ballet, driven by fear of missing an opportunity for a career before my body reached past 45 years. I quit my job that demanded so much of me that only the days when I asked for the Lord to give me extra strength to spend were somewhat enjoyable--but only with my consciousness half present. I quit demanding of myself that I meet so many's expectations. That's a lot to quit in the first week after she died, but I had to. I'm not sleeping at nights, but I think I can attribute that to the fact that I'm slightly shocked not living so fast and so unnecessarily. So it has worked out for the good. Already.
God does love us and he loves me just as much as he did through Emily when she was alive and he still does. He has brought new things to me as well. I'm writing a lot. I'll post something I wrote that I never knew I had the ability to write for my next blog. Well, I've gone on for awhile. I'll leave you now. Thanks for reading.
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Yesterday I was feeling incredibly tired and my nerves felt run out. Usually when this happens, as I'm sure it does with many, depressive thoughts start to kick in and fighting the feelings just makes tasks harder.
However, my eldest nephew pulled out a dvd lesson set for me the other day called "The Blazing Center" by John Piper. I had begun to read Desiring God by the same person and was confused, so he told me that the dvd should help bring clarity to what Piper calls "Christian Hedonism," which is the pursuit of your own joy in the joy of God and others that we are called to submit to and love.
I began to watch the dvd in the middle of all these thoughts that were causing such a fight towards depressive feelings and went to the chapter called "Pursue Your Joy: Isn't that Hedonism?"
Before Piper continued with the lesson on this particular subject, he went over what he had already discussed, the previous two chapters. He began to go into depth about the will of God and the will of man and how he was raised hearing the prayer, "Not my will, Lord, but yours be done." While there are times this prayer is completely appropriate (Jesus prayed it before his death in the Garden of Yesthemene), he expressed that he found himself wondering if and wishing that there could be a third option to "God's will or mine;" what if instead they could coincide so that what God wanted is what I want too?
He began then to talk about how not only is man meant to be God-centered but that God is also God-centered. For some reason, this deepened my understanding that my life, all of our lives--every detail--is made for God and not for us. Yet, by making it God-centered, our spirits, emotions and minds are in health because we are doing and living in what we are made for. Being reminded, for 5 minutes, that I am here for God and not for me took so much pressure off of me and my thoughts that I came out of the office with renewed strength and a fresh perspective. Every depressing thought faded because I am not here for me but God and he has everything in his hand that I would worry about if I was here only for me and others.
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If you have about nine minutes, watch this video. It is priceless. It gives both grace yet calls me to conviction.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=XvF49lxTlJE
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(Some contents and names have been changed from this entry in order to protect their true identities. From what I don't know but yeah.)
So, I'm new at this. My eldest nephew Sir Percy just helped me set this up. I'm "watching" Trey and his brothers until the fifth of February. So far watching is an overstatement. I really just eat the food Trey fixes and mooch off of their excellent old movie tastes.
Sir Percy is a great guy. A 6' guy. It's kinda freakin me out looking up to my nephew. I guess I never really felt like an aunt around him anyway so it's all good. The others are loud and fun and still kids so it's a little too easy to get bossy on them.
I'll probably write more later, but for a first entry I think you've seen too much. hehe. Bye.