So dad and I are sitting in one of the most unique and beautiful little coffee shops, full of art. Abstract art, crafts, wall art with visual games, lamps with lampshades that are made out of doll ladders... you name it. I brought him here because I love it so and the internet is free... not to mention the flower pedals that are flying by the windows from what I would guess are cherry trees, placed in front of a long line of old, some renovated, urban buildings. They don't have their own website yet but I showed him a picture of one of their lattes on facebook and he was impressed as I was: they do leaf and branch designs in the foam of their lattes. Talk about lovers of art. And the employees love it here too. I don't blame them but I'd prefer to sit here and and put my art on paper or canvas in my own time... even though another job wouldn't hurt.
So, the point. Dad just looked up from studying his MBA stuff and he said, "You know, it amazes me sometimes just how much variety there is in life." To which I said, "Yeah, as I say, 'if you think you've run out of options, you probably need to get out more.'" He cracked up. Because I think it's true. Especially here. I live in a very isolated city. Not the suburb part, but the urban part. I don't know the whole story of why it's comparable in appearance and size to Brooklyn yet there are so few people that inhabit or enjoy it except for a small area (and I do mean small) where the only reason to go there is to drink. But I want more out of life.
As such, you drive through sometimes thinking there's nothing to do. But I have been so fortunate to meet artistic community after artistic community that loves the Lord and loves life and they are practically striving to revive this city from a place that was once a capital for racism into a place where diversity is celebrated and it shows. It's in this way that they bring healing to this place where sometimes you feel haunted by the history of prejudice and violence. Yes, I love the people I know. It's as though if they can't find a place like all the wonderful places they've been in Europe and Africa and the major cities of America, then they create it here. After all, that's what artists do is create.
Yes, I suppose I have never really been out of options. And when I thought I was it was because I didn't know. On a side note, life's been taking some turns and all within about a month and a half. Some turns have been sharper than others and I've had to stop.
For one, our precious doggy, Emily, died. We thought it was rather quickly, but it turned out that she had cancer for quite sometime. I suppose she truly was the most accomodating dog I've known to human beings because she did not complain much and we didn't know. I can't get into it right now because I will cry again and I'm in the middle of the cafe, but it was quite hard... I've never held something before, during and after it died. But more than that something so close as that sweet dog was to me.
At the time, I was working a childcare job where sometimes we would have up to 12, 6 week-olds to a year, to two care workers. I cannot begin to tell you the exhaustion I experienced emotionally, often on a daily basis. Then I would go to ballet training at night. The goal there was to get good enough to audition for the professional ballet company here by September. But after Emily died, it was as if there were no options but to be more realistic with my limits. And in one way or another, I am grateful for it.
I called my brother after she was gone and he reminded me that "All things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose (Rom. 8:28)," and for his glory. I cannot tell you how I needed to hear that and how well that directed my thoughts because when someone or something we love suffers it is good to know that there is a reason and it was not in vain. And there was a reason, though I don't claim to know all of them. It came in the form of what I said, that I had to be realistic with my own limits.
The truth is, I have been so tired for so long. I know we all have, but there would be times, especially during college where I would grieve because I was deeply concerned that I was moving so fast and doing so much that I would miss out on a lot of beautiful things God wanted to show me. It was a constant cause of prayer, so I was driven to him anyway, but still exhausteed, sometimes asking Him not to show me anything because I felt so weighed down already.
After years of this, a lot of the unnecessary (not all of it... I'm certain it will be a process) was put to a stop. I quit being in such a hurry about ballet, driven by fear of missing an opportunity for a career before my body reached past 45 years. I quit my job that demanded so much of me that only the days when I asked for the Lord to give me extra strength to spend were somewhat enjoyable--but only with my consciousness half present. I quit demanding of myself that I meet so many's expectations. That's a lot to quit in the first week after she died, but I had to. I'm not sleeping at nights, but I think I can attribute that to the fact that I'm slightly shocked not living so fast and so unnecessarily. So it has worked out for the good. Already.
God does love us and he loves me just as much as he did through Emily when she was alive and he still does. He has brought new things to me as well. I'm writing a lot. I'll post something I wrote that I never knew I had the ability to write for my next blog. Well, I've gone on for awhile. I'll leave you now. Thanks for reading.
Comments
Mar. 24, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Sheila
I enjoyed reading your blog entry, though some of it was sad. No dog could have loved more or could have been more loved! I know that Emily was so dear to all of you, and I thank the Lord that she was such a blessing.
Poor John lost his fish Captain right before Easter. It's definitely not the same, but he still mourns his loss, tender boy.
I will pray for God to give you guidance in your next steps, as you strive to figure out where He's leading you. Seek first His kingdom, and all the rest will be added to you! I love you, sweet sister!
PS I loved your thoughts on urban B'ham. If you get a chance, go to my blog at www.todaywithmamaself.blogspot.com and read the 2 entries: 'tis a puzzlement. Let me know your opinions by leaving a comment if you feel so led. Love and miss you and Mom and Dad!!!
Mar. 29, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
that's really sad:(
I just figured out that my cat has renal failure, so I know what you mean.
onedaymore
Mar. 29, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by aliveagain13
We are all going to miss Emily, but sometimes we have to remember that it is all in God's plan. There couldn't have been a better dog!
bunches of love,
Katy
Mar. 29, 2008 - I'm...
Posted by thescarletpimpernel
...sorry you are feeling so much pain over the loss of Emily. I must say, among our family, we looked forward to seeing her too. I'm very grateful that the Lord allowed us to see her before she passed away.
We are praying for you, Papa, and Whimmy.
Your Nephew,
Sir Percy Blakeney