Princess Croc Toria: Wildlife Warrior and Soilder of the Cross- It's all for HIM
I never thought it would happen to my family.
All my life, I used to pray for another sibling...it didn't seem fair that I prayed and prayed and prayed while other kids I knew had lots of other siblings, and they didn't pray half as hard as I did for one. After 12 years, I gave up. What's the use of praying when you don't get answers? The hope for another sibling died out, like a candle blown out by the wind on a dark day. I thought that I believed God could do anything, but by giving up hope I was actually telling God that I thought He was no longer able.
Years went by, all hope of a baby vanished.
I never thought it would happen to my family.
On July 9th, 2008, my mom found out that she was pregnant.
We were all so happy, and I had a feeling in my heart that this baby would be apart of something bigger than real life, something amazing, a "really big God thing". All the people we called...all the excitement...all the debates over middle names...all the plans for the baby's room...all unannounced to us that no baby would really be joining us; the time that we thought would be years with him would turn into only weeks.
Mom was having some pain about a week or two later, so she thought she should go to her doctor just to make sure everything was okay.
It wasn't.
They saw no heartbeat, and her hormone levels didn't double like they were supposed to. It rocked our world and our future we thought would be firm. So many people spent so much time praying for us and for our miracle baby, but even still we thought there would be no change as we walked into the doctor's office once again on July 21st. We spent so many hours in prayer that weekend as we dreaded the 21st. But something happened...there was a Bible verse that spoke to us, from the book of Daniel. That's when we knew it was a boy. We felt it deep down, a feeling I can't explain. After hours of debating middle names, we knew it was to be Isaiah Daniel...but we didn't know we would never hold him in our arms. We would've called you crazy if you told us that the Savior would be the One to give him his first kiss, that He would hold him in His arms instead of our arms. Crazy.
I never thought it would happen to my family.
I sat there in the waiting room with Keel, preparing myself for when the door would open and my mom's tear-stained face would look into mine and say "He's gone". But behind one of those closed doors back there, by dad was saying, "Isaiah, ARISE!" then turning to the ultrasound screen, he broke down in tears. Our miracle baby's heartbeat was there. Our miracle baby was alive. It was one of the best days of my life. That day we would've called you crazy if you told us that our precious Isaiah Daniel would die just a few days after...and that we wouldn't know until 3 weeks later.
I never thought it would happen to my family.
August 19th...we were at the doctor's once again. And this time my mom's tear-stained face met mine.
Why? Why my Isaiah Daniel, why the baby I prayed for all my life? Why our miracle baby? Why us?
I never...in my wildest dreams...would've thought it would happen to my family.
The only thing that kept me moving was the song that whispered in my ear as I walked down the hallway towards the door out of the dreaded doctor building..."You give and take away/You give and take away/My heart will choose to say/Lord blessed be Your Name" I told myself that just like in Job 2:10, we needed to accept the bad along with the good. Although we didn't know what it was, God had a plan for taking our baby.
I was right when I knew that our baby would be apart of something great. Throughout the whole time, our baby touched lives. Isaiah gave hope to couples who had given up the hope of having another child, and through his death people marveled at our faith. God used Isaiah for things bigger and greater than I could've dreamed....he was used for real big God things. Although I'll always carry that baby-shaped hole in my heart, I'll always be thankful for what God did for my family.
Thank you to all of those who prayed for Isaiah, your prayers were not in vain. God brought our baby back to life that day on July 21st to show that He does answer prayer. Thank you to all those who sent (and are sending) cards or gifts, it means a lot to have something to remember our baby by.
Baby Dear, know that I love you and I can't wait to meet you. You're Home, in the Place where you belong...a Perfect Place, for a perfect miracle.
Blessed Be the Name
Blessed be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be Your Name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your Name
(Chorus)
Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, LORD, still I will say:
Blessed be the Name of the LORD
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the LORD
Blessed be Your glorious Name
Blessed be Your Name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name
(Chorus)
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
LORD, blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the LORD
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the LORD
Blessed be Your glorious Name
(Repeat x 2)
~*~
You consume me, You consume me
Like a burning flame running through my veins
You consume me, You consume me
Any time any place You invade my space
You consume me, You consume me
( Consume Me, DC Talk)
~*~
God weeps too, God weeps too
Although we question Him for all that we go through
Still it helps me believe
And my pain it does relieve
When I think that God weeps too
( God Weeps Too, Eli)
~*~
He hasn't left you out to dry
Even now
You haven't left His watching Eye
Even now
So children sing it when you don't see how
My Father's worthy of my hope
Even now
( Even Now, Foolish Things)
~*~
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In Your Name
I find cleaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to You
I'm hanging on another day
As to see what You will throw my way
I'm hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be okay
( Broken, Lifehouse)
~*~
Then I'll see Your Face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I had lost before
You call my name
I come to Your in pieces
So You can make me whole
( Pieces, RED)
~*~
Be my Light in this darkened room
I'm on my face and I'm calling You
I can't fathom all You've done for me
Every time it finds me on my knees
Like sunlight in the winter cold
And everything about You
It takes my breath away
Hallelujah
I tried this once without You
And it was my great mistake
( Everything About You, Sanctus Real)
~*~
Whatever You're Doing
(Sanctus Real)
It's time for healing
Time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right
What has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender
To what I can't see
But I'm giving into something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
And by doing everything
To follow Your will
It's like climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything
I surrender
(Repeat Chorus)
Something heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breath in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say
For so many years
Time to release all my held-back tears
Whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But I believe
You're up to something
Bigger than me
Larger than life
Something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing
Inside of me
It feels like chaos
But now I can see
This is something
Bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
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Posted by toria 
Posted by 
Sep. 2, 2008 - It still makes me cry...
AWESOME post...i almost cried through the whole thing. God is being glorified through your life and through the lives of your family members through this whole thing and your light has never shone so brightly for His Kingdom. I love you girl. I'll still keep praying.