Oct. 27, 2008
Writing Class: Lesson 7
Before: It rained all week during our camping trip
After: The rain poured so heavily that we couldn't see outside the tent,and the wind blew out the fire. The ground was soaked in water. Inside the purple tent was dark and dreary, we felt gloomy because we were trapped inside and cramped with everyone in it. Our eyebrows drooped and Caramel the hamster seemed to sense the atmosphere and now is pacing along her cage. Written on our faces were boredom and misery of all the time we had in our hands with nothing to do. My sister's usually bright brown eyes are dull as the mud that caked my boots. The corners of our smiles are turned the other way around.
Before: Katie saw a scary sea creature at the aquarium.
After: As Katie passed by the aquarium, a sickly bright green creature spotted all over with metallic purple flashed a mischievous menacing grin. She squealed and laughed quietly when she saw the size was as small as a button. It's teeth sickly dull yellow with splotches of black. The eyes, fins and tail are colored with tarnished silver. Suddenly, it started to swell up and expand until it seemed to fill up the whole tank. The crowd screamed, the men stood still with eyes bulging and mouths gaping. The ground was thick with fainting women and the children shrieked and ran out the door. All except for Katie, for she saw the bright twinkle and sly wink in the fish's eyes.
Before: As I entered the cave, I finally found the object of my search- the lost treasure chest of the Ancients.
After: When I entered the cave, it was smelling of bubblegum. As I went deeper and deeper the place became brighter with dull green. Finally, when I reached the end of the cave, I found the treasure of the Ancients. The wooden chest was blue-gray and covered with circular red bumps. The wood is grainy, deep cracks had appeared with time. The lid, which is like lifting one side of a double bed, complained loudly as I tried to pry it open. It was jammed closed. Of course it would not open without struggle, I thought with my brows knitted together. Then, I noticed that the hinges and corners are made of clear transparent metal, the likes of what I haven't seen before. I tested it with my steel hammer lightly, it produced a ringing sound. I tapped the hinges harder, hoping that they would break. And to my surprise it did not receive a single scratch.
• Post A Comment!
Posted by skmarlow
Comments
Nov. 7, 2008 - Lesson 7
Posted by skmarlow Uh . . . how did I miss this? Did you let me know that you had completed this lesson? I don't remember getting any e-mails recently. Anyway . . .
Nice word pictures here! I especially liked the "small as a button" in the scary creature paragraph, and I liked how you used another sense "sound" in the paragraph about finding the treasure chest of the Ancients. Good description and feeling like I was there.
I did find a few dead words, however, in the paragraph about the camping trip. (dreary, "felt gloomy", misery written on our faces). So . . can you describe a bit what "misery on our faces" looked like? Droopy eyes? turned down mouth? Rolling eyes?
And what does "feeling gloomy" look like? Again, a few words that SHOW me gloomy would paint me a much more vivid word picture.
Hope that helps....
Now..on to lesson 8.
-s-
Nice word pictures here! I especially liked the "small as a button" in the scary creature paragraph, and I liked how you used another sense "sound" in the paragraph about finding the treasure chest of the Ancients. Good description and feeling like I was there.
I did find a few dead words, however, in the paragraph about the camping trip. (dreary, "felt gloomy", misery written on our faces). So . . can you describe a bit what "misery on our faces" looked like? Droopy eyes? turned down mouth? Rolling eyes?
And what does "feeling gloomy" look like? Again, a few words that SHOW me gloomy would paint me a much more vivid word picture.
Hope that helps....
Now..on to lesson 8.
-s-