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Vera's City
Nov. 7, 2008
Writing Class; Lesson 8

Setting: In a tree house during a rainstorm:

Character: Jalina

A flash of lightning crackled through the sky like as if it was splitting apart. Jalina's face paled and she jumped up a foot into the air with her eyes wide while every single hazel hair stood up. I have to get out of here and fast, she thought the second the close by rumbling of thunder shook the tree house. She put on the green plastic rain coat and jumped into her clear latex rubber boots at the same time. Jalina slid down the smooth brown side of the tree. She landed too quickly on a puddle that it made big pancake-sized splatters on her coat. She ran against the chilly wind to the rain drenched house.She stopped to look at herself at a window and gasped at the mess she was in. Jalina's hood had fallen off, her hair was tangled with branches and leaves, and her face, neck, and hands was slick with mud.'' I am sure to get in trouble for this,'' she groaned miserably.
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Comments


Nov. 7, 2008 - Lesson 8

Posted by skmarlow
Your word picture of Jalina in the tree house is delightful! Great word pictures, no dead words (well, a "mess" might be, but you used it in context with the great description so it works fine here!).

All in all, a great writing snapshot....you "froze" everything well and it made me seem like I was right there with Jalina.

Good job!



Nov. 14, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by yelyah
That's a great piece of writing! You did well. I felt like I was really there. But it's only the beginning of the story. I'd like to read more! Keep it up!

Hayley

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/made2love



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