Dec. 12, 2008
Writing Class: Lesson 13
#1 Sarah
#2 Tom
#3 (as you said,) Sarah and Tom
As I, a piece of gold, was relaxing in the peaceful babbling brook, I suddenly heard a splash and a small, fat, toddler hand stirred the water and grabbed me. I felt myself rising and rising. The hand that held me paused in midair then opened slightly. A voice called, " Emily! Where are you? What's that you are holding in your hand!" I got snatched out of Emily's hand, the nurse gasped when my fabulous brilliance met her blue eyes and I could tell that she was thinking of selling me secretly. But perhaps her conscience and loyalty had taken over because she immediately wiped off that look at her face and brought me to her mistress. The mistress in turn, took me with her floury hands (Did they use flour at that time?) polished me at the corner of her apron and inspected me closer. I fancy she had to make sure I am real. Half-satisfied , Madam grasped me firmly and hurriedly trotted to the blacksmith.
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Posted by skmarlow
Posted by skmarlow
Comments
Dec. 12, 2008 - Lesson 13
Posted by skmarlow I can see why you liked this lesson. You had a LOT of fun with writing a scene from the gold nugget's POV. I love it. And yes, they did use flour back then. Nice thoughts and perspective from the nugget. I especially like how you wrote, " . . . I could tell that she is thinking of selling me secretly . . ." which shows me that you understand quite well how to handle other characters from the main character's (gold) POV. Good job!
One thing: Be careful about switching from past tense to present tense in the same scene. Your sentence above should read ". . . I could tell that she WAS thinking of selling me secretly . . ." because the rest of the scene was in past tense, as it should be.
Also note the first sentence: "As I, a piece of gold, WAS relaxing in the peaceful babbling brook . . ."
Double check the rest of the scene, but I think I caught the two places where you should keep it past tense.
Keep up the great work!
One thing: Be careful about switching from past tense to present tense in the same scene. Your sentence above should read ". . . I could tell that she WAS thinking of selling me secretly . . ." because the rest of the scene was in past tense, as it should be.
Also note the first sentence: "As I, a piece of gold, WAS relaxing in the peaceful babbling brook . . ."
Double check the rest of the scene, but I think I caught the two places where you should keep it past tense.
Keep up the great work!
Dec. 18, 2008 - Yep!
Posted by skmarlow Good job editing. You can also take out your question in ( ), about whether they had flour in those days. They did! :-)