Today we were invited to my sister in law's house for a small BBQ (just our fam and hers). She has 2 boys one, age 8, and the other is the same age as my son (12 - they were born only a month apart). Being so close in age, the two older boys had always been rather close, and enjoyed each other's company. AJ could not wait for family gatherings, so that the two of them could run off, and ride bikes, play hide-and-seek, etc. For quite some time, they even lived right around the corner from us, so they just went back and forth over the two houses, especially in the summer. When my SIL was going through a rough time, with a divorce and other issues, the boys were practically living with us. I would get them dressed, feed them, and take them to school in the morning, and often the school would even call me when problems arose. The boys were very loving, playful, and my son enjoyed spending time with them. Eventually my SIL got back on track and her and the kids moved about an hour away. The boys began seeing each other less, yet still relished in the few rare occasions when the families got together. And then it happened...
Public Middle School
I knew it would, and I tried to prep my son for it but the inevitable split began. It was ever so slight. On the first couple of visits we had we began to notice little things. My son would come back complaining about being teased about homeschool/personal beliefs. My SIL would say things like "I don't know his [her son's?!] email address", and "he's got a little crush", "he doesn't want to be seen w/me" during his 5th/6th grade years... Then as time progressed (7th grade) she'd say "he's talking to some girl on his MySpace", "he heard that he could get mono from kissing, so he asked me to have him vaccinated", and "he wants to go to the movies with his little girlfriend, and asked if I could drop them off/pick them up".... All the while she is talking in a rather everyday tone, as if this is just the way it is at that age (12- remember?) and my mouth is on the floor.
Fast forward to today. While catching up on the past couple months w/my SIL, and my hubby chatting and watching the game with her boyfriend. I would often notice her 12 yo come in and out of the kitchen by himself, and I'd often ponder, "that's weird, where's AJ"? Then whenever I'd see AJ, I'd notice something that piqued my interest further, he'd be running around playing and having a good time...with the 8 year old! I only saw the two twelve year olds' in the same vicinity maybe once or twice. I finally asked someone where the kids were, and they said the my son had been playing legos in the 8yo's room, and the 12yo was in his room alone.
So on the way home I asked AJ the magic question. "Are you beginning to notice a difference in his behavior?" And he spilled the beans, he said that all the older boy did the entire time was text on his cell phone, and play video games. Every once in a while he would attempt to muscle his little bro and AJ into playing some sort of game of his choosing, which usually involved him pounding his little brother. When AJ would refuse, or suggest a more fair way of playing, he would result to name calling, hitting, or just leaving. In AJ's own words, "I don't understand Mama, he just seems so 'cocky', he's not any fun anymore, I'd rather play with [his little cousin] instead". He told us that he was called the "f" word (3 letter, meaning gay), and the "p" word (then he clarified, the "p-e" word, mom--5 letters, indicating the male pelvic region) over and over throughout the day. When my son threatened to tell his parents, he told him to go ahead, he wouldn't get in trouble. How sad that these words that my son still feels are as bad as any 4 letter word, are tossed around so freely.
So, once my son came to the conclusion that he would get along better with the younger son, we commended him for his assessment. Then we once again reminded him of the conversation we'd had just a couple years ago. As his friends progress through the "grade levels" of the public school system (not that it couldn't happen among HSers, but all the more, we feel, w/PSers), he will undoubtedly see greater and greater changes in the way that they live, vs. the way that he/we have chosen to live. When those times come, we pray that the Lord will continue to provide him with the strength to act as he did today. Standing up for those that are being wronged, and staying true to who he is in Christ.
Forced maturity, just another sad reality of the public school system....
That is very sobering. I feel the need lately to start explaining that phenomenon to my son. I've seen the changes in boys starting at about 11ish. He has a close in age cousin that will soon go through the change. Thanks for sharing.
It seems like every family has a "cousin". It is very sad for your SIL to see this behavior as normal. It's the way of life for ps people, and the truth is, they are ignoring the problems with the kids, the same way they ignore the problems in the system. To do something about it would take effort. If they tried to do something, it messes with their own agendas.
Personally, the time my son spent with that cousin would be drastically limited to holidays, etc. Of course, we all have our way of handling these things, I'm just saying what my way would be.
Environment matters - even though ps parents would argue with that.
Also, about your blog - today it came up just fine and very quickly. Yesterday when I tried it, it was extremely slow. Not sure why.
I just learned how to do the YouTube thing. I was on there looking at that video and noticed the codes at the bottom of the video. I clicked on one of them and copied it (right click), then came to my blog, when to the source button on the page where you type new entries, then pasted the code there.
My daughter is 14-1/2, and man, can I relate to what you've stated. In fact, you've said a mouthful. Here's my own observations:
1) my daughter's peers at the dance center and at church are much more into (read consumed with) boyfriends, being "sexy" for them, etc. Their criteria of how to pick a man is limited to how cute and popular he is. My daughter knows an attractive (inside and out) guy when she sees one, but steers clear of more than a conversation.
2) her public school (ps) peers are into dressing in clothes that are too tight and listening to music/ watching videos that are not even appropriate for me, a 40+ year old. My daughter intentionally buys her clothes with growing room, and will chastise us as parents when we listen to old-school music that we grew up on.
3) my daughter's peers are, generally speaking, very apathetic about their futures. Yes, they have dreams of college, but they are indifferent to learning anything and would rather spend time with idle chatter about #s 1 and 2 above. Consequently, my daughter's friends tend to be older (seniors to her freshman status) so that they discuss life plans, dreams, etc.
4) the peers exclude anyone who isn't their age with their interests. My daughter fits in with anyone, earning herself team captain status on her performance team, and teacher's assistant to the 3-4 year olds for several years now.
Is our daughter perfect? Absolutely not. But I'll take her variety of fruit over the slick, savvy variety that is all-too-often a product of our public schools on any day of the week. God bless you as you raise a young man who knows who He is and knows who God is. We need many, many more of those.
That really is sad, but also tremendous encouragement to do what it takes to keep them home. We have 4 girls and 2 boys. May God allow us to raise them with respect for one another and those around them. May He help us shape their views of men and women and how we treat one another as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Laraba
I'm a wannabe in every sense of the word. I wanna be good enough to make it to heaven, but Jesus died because I will never be. I wanna be a mom of ten living on a farm in the middle of nowhere, training my girls to honor God & their husbands, by being content, happy homemakers...yet God has seen fit to bless us with the opportunity to help rear for Him two boys (22 and 12), in the middle of suburbia ;) I wanna be a helpmate to my husband in every way possible, yet more often than not, I'm in his way, lol. I wanna be the perfect parent, that raises perfect children, yet I am constantly humbled by the fact that only He is perfect, and I must allow him to lead. I wanna be the ultimate caretaker of my temple, and the pinnacle of health to all around me, yet no amount of healthy eating/exercise keeps me from dropping to my knees often, in need of healing from the Great Physician. I could go on and on about the the things that I am trying to be, but I invite you instead to come and join me as I travel on my path toward virtue... ~Proverbs 31:10-31~
• Sep. 29, 2009 - Hey