I really was bugged that I screwed up my dates so badly that I missed Homeschool convention but then I started to realize that maybe it was by G-d's design that I was never supposed to attend to begin with. Really the only thing that I will truly miss from convention was the fellowship and once again He in His wisdom said that He wanted me to fellowship with Him because the problems & solutions in our homeschool are His problem and really nobody at convention can really give me the answers. It also helped that when I moved books from the bookshelves into my bedroom, I realized that IF we would just work on any ONE shelf in our house:read, study & DO the information on that ONE shelf, then we would actually be brilliant LOL and golly I have A LOT of bookshelves to choose from so I really didn't need the temptation of trying, or using, or starting ANYTHING new because really my curriculum is working.
You should know that I wasn't taking this too gracefully but G-d must have known something that I didn't know about going to convention so I'm not crying over spelt milk and I can't be upset with my foolish mistake (caused by over focusing on my circumstances that I *thought* I was turning over to Him but obviously not so well if I am in such a daze that I am missing a whole week of my life LOL). It's all good and it's all G-d -- whatever He wants I know is best.I just have to trust that G-d’s plan was better than mine and even though I probably would have been blessed by convention, I will keep looking for the blessing that I will receive for not being there. I don’t know what it is or when I will get it, but G-d lines things up; sometimes He has to close one door to open a better one.
I'm actually getting excited thinking about my at home-homeschool convention plus it should be more productive because I would hope it will be more relevant to what MY homeschool exactly needs at this point.Here are some podcasts & articles that were recommended for my home homeschool convention:
I keep telling myself that I'm not letting the events in my life effect me -- "I'm relying on G-d to see us through". But today I show up at soccer games and another homeschool mom asked if had gone to homeschool convention.
Well, duh? I thought it was next week and I'm not sure where I got my dates crossed but I'm guessing that G-d was watching out for our pocketbook as well because the whole reason I hadn't registered early was because of $ and if you don't go then you aren't tempted with all the new/used curriculum (that I unequivocally do not need).So I didn't spend any $ either but I soooo don't know how I got so mixed up and as much as I would have liked to attend, I guess "all things work together for good" but silly me. LOL We might go to the one in PHX but that is yet to be determined.
I'm a little sad because today my oldest son played his last soccer game probably ever. His team is advancing to the next bracket that we basically can not afford but even if we were in the "more money than brains club" I'm not sure that this kid has the drive or passion for this. I know he loves playing soccer but I'm guessing it is the social aspect of it because even though he could be really _______ (fill in the blank) on the field, he just doesn't seem to be doing it and it has been humbling and frustrating for way too long.I think he will be a late bloomer just like his mom when it comes to sports but that is okay because I kept telling myself that brains like Bill Gates make way more than Michael Jordan so sports isn’t everything LOL. I guess I am grateful that he has ended the season/year/his soccer career (lol) on a good note with a great bunch of kids and we are ready to see what is around the next corner. Still sad though.
My middle son's team is another story. With dh's job so up in the air it is difficult to know even what to tell the team. Dh wants to coach but I'm not even sure if my (very talented) ds wants to play. Several of our players just didn't want to even be there and it is so difficult to coach kids who are playing for their parents or parents who don't participate by getting their kids to games or practice. I think dh is burnt out but he is afraid of what will happen to the few kids who want to stay playing. So it was a bittersweet day.I will be glad when the end-of-season parties are out of the way so we can move on with our lives. Everything gets put on hold during soccer season and I have had more than enough of soccer for this year. The biggest thing I learned from this season is that you really need to encourage and support those who are in "leadership roles" because it truly is tough on the other end not knowing what parents or kids are thinking until the end of the season when they are disappointed that you might not be coming back KWIM?
Passover cleaning update: Main bathroom almost done but doing nothing on it today. I should be done but I ended up rearranging our bedroom furniture to put a couple of bookshelves in it so that was time consuming but even dh says it feels like we have so much more room. The kids make me laugh because they think that the "clean" rooms now echo???? But man it feels so nice. I can't wait for the whole house to be done but the boys and the Rumple room are next and while the boys rooms aren't too bad because they have been working on it, their rooms are getting a major re-haul (hopefully with paint and maybe flooring but that depends on when the income tax comes back and how much my new to us car will be). The Rumple room will be the scariest because it started out scary.
I guess I can't call it Passover cleaning anymore since that has come and gone LOL
But work is still going on because it BADLY needs it. Yes, I am still in my bedroom (had about a 3 day break with accident and dealing with insurance, soccer and then Ressurection Day) but it is almost done and oh man oh man does it FEEL like a thousand bucks. It might be my imagination but I think it even smells better although I seriously don't know HOW we were breathing in this room. The dust was soooooo thick under, behind, ontop of and basically all over.
This room should be completely done tonight when I can get dh to help me move the bed so I can vacuum, wipe down, wash, dust, polish and vacuum again, under and behind the bed (yes, that does seem to be what I am doing to everything in my bedroom -- it is that filthy). I will do the inside of my drawers when I do the clothes closet and dh has one huge pile that he has to go through as well as his drawers but even if this is where it ends oh man oh man does it ever feel wonderful. It feels like a bedroom again and I even had morning devotional back on my prayer couch with the kids this morning (can't remember the last time that happened there). I have suceeded in clogging the vacuum AGAIN so the poor thing is getting a work out.
I took before pictures (will post when I figure that out with the new camera software) but they really don't show the underneaths and the insides. I can't wait to show you the afters. Onward to the boys bathroom that I don't think is as bad but I thought my bathroom and bedroom weren't that bad too so who knows. It may be another 3 day affair but that is okay I'm enjoying listening to sermon tapes and even found some tapes of Pilgrims Progress (wonderful rendition that I taped off the internet produced by the BBC -- forgot I even had them) that are keeping me company. Just wish my boys were the ones keeping me company however they come and help in tiny spurts so I guess that is better than nothing although little to no school is being done either which is making me insane.
Calgone please fix my tub so I can be taken away LOL
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming…Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, “God! How could you do this to me?” Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! “How did you know I was here asked the weary man of his rescuers? “We saw your smoke signal”, they replied.
* The Moral of this story: *
It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because G-d is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of G-d.
After wallowing around yesterday feeling sorry for myself, I am up today realizing that my oldest birthday is today and of course no planning, no plans, no cake, no presents so it is good I am up and very, very bad that I let yesterday do this to me. Dh is off and he is up too - making pancakes (4:45 am!!!) and I am going to pull out the German chocolate cake mix and get that going.
The insurance adjuster came by yesterday and totaled the car. The frame is twisted and more than likely un-repairable. I don't know what happens next. This could be good or very, very bad.
Dh has been approved to come to the district on this side of town but still doesn't know what store. This could be good or very, very bad.
I’ve had it with the boys and their lack of enthusiasm for helping me with the Passover cleaning or doing school. Dh said that they couldn't come out of their bedrooms until the bedrooms were cleaned up (maybe 15 minutes worth of mess so not bad) and they were dressed to their shoes and that they were willing to get busy for the day, nor could they have breakfast. Well they didn't eat breakfast until 2pm and this is after being refused by dh dinner the night before because they didn't do their chores or school. Dh kept quoting the verse about lazy people don't get to eat. Well, about noonish my youngest starts throwing up and I realize it is because of a lack of food that he is doing this and I start feeling like a terrible mother and thinking that dh was just wrong in his wisdom of this situation and bugged that he enforces from afar and leaves me to carry through. We got through the day but middle son misses Flamenco because no school was done again and this is going on day 10 of a kid imposed vacation that wasn't approved by their teachers. Dh kept telling me "close their door and ignore them; I've told them what to do" which should have been an easy task but I guess my lenience is what is allowing them to get away with all this so this little lesson from dad could be good or very, very bad - we shall see.
I finally got the nerve to hook up the old computer again and it came back on but I'm not sure what or why it is doing what it is doing. I have one file on it that is giving me an error message and I think that it is related somehow but because the file is ?corrupt then I sorta don't want to back that up. I would prefer to fix the file so I have a clean backup. I was also in the middle of organizing photos so I could send them to print or have a disk made and I know when I go to back up all those pictures will be in my backup and I don't want that so it is good that my computer came back to life but it is still bad that I have these problems LOL
So wondering if today is going to be very, very bad or awfully, awfully good
It is tough when G-d has you take a look at your leavening.You see, I didn't think that this accident was my fault nor did I even think I had any serious faults, not just with the car wreck but the condition of my school, my house, my children, my everything -- of course in G-d's loving grace He is showing me the truth of my sin. It seems to be part of the process of Passover cleaning that fits the season so perfectly. I believe the restitution will come with time not just in my home but also in my heart.
I'm getting there and that was what G-d spoke to me at Good Friday services that, “I am forgiven”; so completely forgiven and so undeserving of His forgiveness but all the same He forgives.To know that G-d loves me sooooo much that Yeshua died for my sins: the sins that I seem to keep repeating, that is what makes it so hard to forgive myself. But my dh never thought I was to blame for any of it - the car, the kids the house, my Homeschool, so I am trying hard not to blame myself and to accept His forgiveness too; His TOTAL forgiveness.
For the record, I definitely will not be done with the cleaning even before Sunday but that is okay.The insurance company took up most of my time today so not much in the way of cleaning.PS the estimate came back on my car and it is way over $3000 because I have frame damage. Not sure what will happen next but dh thinks the insurance company will total the car. It isn't making right hand turns very well either and the insurance company has informed me that this will count against my record so our rates will probably go up. I'm just so heartbroken.
So trying to celebrate our Passover meal (which was supposed to happen yesterday btw) just isn’t in the plan at the moment.I don't think we have ever celebrated Passover anywhere near when it was supposed to be celebrated (because of dh’s work schedule) so I'm not really concerned. I feel like G-d understands and He certainly knows my heart.He truly has always honored our attempts whenever they have been. If we celebrate this year I don't know when it will be but that is a big IF. To tell you the truth, the "leavening" in our house matches the layers of dust I am cleaning out and frankly He is doing a work on my heart in particular so I wouldn't feel comfortable just stopping the process to celebrate when the removing is such an important part of the preparation. Maybe once the rooms are clean we will celebrate but truthfully that might be a long time from now especially since the cleanest room in the house took 3 days. I'm on day 3 of my bedroom and I've hardly made a dent and seeing how badly it needs it I can't hardly stop because G-d is showing me things, so as much as I don't want to do the cleaning and I really don’t enjoy G-d pointing out my leavening, I am also treasuring my time with Him and I feel like this is a spiritual cleaning as well as a physical cleaning.
Now I know I could make do and make the house presentable (however, I also haven't planned, shopped, cooked or have the money for Passover), but I will KNOW what is hidden (and so will G-d) and I can't possibly celebrate with a clear conscious so maybe this year this is what G-d wanted me to learn about Passover and if we don't celebrate then deyenu.
And that's not to say we aren't celebrating -- Good Friday services were awesome today (you can watch it here); He laid so many things on my heart. We will go to sunrise service on Sunday and avoid eating the ham at my MIL’s so it is still all good.
Well, today the wind in my sails kinda popped due to the accident and with me licking my wounds so to speak but I did do a little more on the cleaning of leavening in my house.
I have started a witness protection relocation program for 5 of the spiders living in my house. They are now in an undisclosed place that is not behind my dresser, behind my desk or in my lamp shade LOL
I have discovered that my dear, dear husband who has been providing and paying the bills each month has not and I repeat has not been filing any of the paper work for the last ?? 3+ years -- just neatly shoving them in the filing cabinet. Guess what I am doing tonight???
I have discovered that spiders can make webs across a flat surface and the web never be seen.
But I guess the blessing for today is that while I was cleaning I decided to listen to some cassettes that I had, to see what needed to stay or go and I was blessed with a wonderful message of G-d’s Sovereignty.I also listened to a taping of my oldest telling me a story when he was about 5 years old so it was a super sweet memory.
In all, it was a good day even if not as productive as I hoped. I think we can safely say that I will not be ready for Passover anytime soon but that is okay -- I think G-d wants my head and my heart cleaned before He wants me celebrating His Resurrection.
Yesterday, on my way to Flamenco I got hit by another car making a left hand turn into on-coming traffic. This time it was a major fender bender but PTL nobody was hurt in my car or the other car (except maybe my ego) but it has gone thru the insurance and it was determined that it was my fault although I don't buy it but whatever (I now know that the car making a left hand turn will ALWAYS get sited as the person at fault -- pretty much no if's or buts). Dh is being such a loving husband and keeps saying it will be okay and that is what we have insurance for. I'm just feeling so defeated. It seems like I'm getting sucker punched at every turn but I am trying to see the blessings.
Okay so the praises:
We are all still alive in BOTH vehicles including my boys.Both cars are still drivable and both are fixable, I think.While we should of called the police and didn't, in hind sight I probably would have gotten not one but two tickets because come to find out that dh hadn't paid the registration on my car (duh no money) so I'm driving around on an expired registration --- come to find out that the car needs a repair to pass emissions testing that is $1000 or more and can't be registered until it passes so that was the reason he hasn't registered it -- I feel like I have entered the twilight zone).We have insurance and it will cover most of the damage and my dh had the sense to keep this car that we are in as a family most of the time at full coverage instead of just liability.We have a credit car that can take care of whatever that has to come out of our pocket if we have to - not our favorite option but at least we still have options.AND again the boys and I are not hurt, so pray as G-d leads because I'm not sure what to pray about anymore.
Stay tuned because there just HAS to be a blessing in all of this.
Oh my!I am making myself absolutely crazy, super cleaning for Passover. And Oh man does it ever need it!! I seriously should have started this week before last because I doubt it will be done in time for Passover which we will try to celebrate on Thursday evening. At the rate we are going we will be celebrating in a clean house sometime this Fall LOL
ONE bathroom is almost done and boy does it feel, look and smell good. I'm cleaning areas that I probably haven't cleaned since I nested with my first born LOL. I'm pretty sure that 3 days on each room isn't going to get done by Passover but that's okay because it really needs it.My Messianic girlfriend says she usually starts cleaning on Ash Wednesday so that is 6 weeks to super clean (NOW you tell me! lol).Next year I think I will join her because heaven knows it will need it again by then.
But I sooooooo needed to do this. I guess I have barely been surface cleaning for ??? I don't even know how long. My bathroom and every crevice have been triple cleaned. Every nook and cranny has been wiped down inside and out. G-d so knew I needed to do this and if we have Passover in the bathroom (the only clean room in the house - LOL) oh well then - dayenu "it would have been enough" - but at this point I really don't care when we celebrate Passover; cleaning this house is taking priority. I just wish the rest of it wasn't falling apart while I work on the one room OR better yet that my boys would truly help which they are not.
I've started on my bedroom and the main bathroom today. The boys are working on their room but woefully distracted.
So far:
I have found a whole big box and bag of Betty Crocker points. Well, Betty discontinued that program in 2006!!!
I have found the letters that I wrote to the boys while they were babies, about my pregnancy with them and thoughts of how and what they were learning and doing as they grew --- they have been missing for 4 years!!!!
I discovered that our family should never be stinky -- LOL we have 12 unopened containers of deodorant!!!
And we should be very soft too LOL -- we have 8 bottles of lotion (dh brings home a lot of this when it goes on clearance - need to talk to him about how much we need to hoard up hmm... may take some of this to a shelter because I don't think we need THIS much of it)!!!!
I have discovered that just plain ole dust can clog not one but 2 vacuum cleaners if you vacuum enough of it. Hopefully dh can fix one of them and I think I was able to unclog the other.
I have found scotch tape, file folders and more card stock all of which I thought we were out of that I needed to buy and now I won't - "penny saved" and G-d knows how many pennies I need to be saving.
Found the BookIt pizza coupons for free pizza (expire end of May) for the kids hmmm... maybe an incentive to move faster... doubt it
Found the lost nail clippers -- 2 sets -- and lost comb
I have found open space in two cabinets and I'm not really de-cluttering unless it is obvious that it is trash or I don't want it.Cleaning is enough for now.
All this and I am sparing you the GROSS details that I found. Lets just say that some things are best dusted (or should I say sand blasted) with the blower for the yard or the air compressor LOL
It really feels good. I can see why this is such an important aspect of preparing for Passover. I only wished I would have started this sooner.
This will be our 3rd year celebrating Passover.No, we aren’t Jewish but we are trying to understand the Biblical Feast celebrations and how they relate to Jesus; in turn how it applies in our own lives.Every year we learn some new or a different aspect of G-d that we never saw or didn’t know.It is such an eye opening, wonderful experience that I highly recommend it if you have never tried to celebrate these occasions.
Now we don’t always do things exactly the way we are supposed to mostly because we are still learning what is “kosher” and what is not, but we are getting there and I think that the L-rd understands our attempts even if we make mistakes.This will be the first year that I will attempt to remove the “leavening” from my house.In years past we have never done this aspect of Passover.I am seeing this not necessarily of removing actual yeast that you cook with but as the dust and grime that seems to be hidden throughout my house.My hope is that this is a cleansing of hearts as well as we super clean in preparation of His Resurrection day.
I’m hoping the boys will help me make pillow covers for our celebration this year.Dh is supposed to be off on Sunday; that was before the announcement that they are closing his store so who knows what will become of it all. We usually go to Good Friday services at our church and sunrise services on Sunday but it all seems to be coming at me so fast I can't seem to get caught up or catch up to where I need to be, all in His time… Breath!
Okay I KNOW that my family aren’t the only ones with worries and concerns about money, the economy and the future but at times I want to just give up because it is one thing after another.
On his way to work my dh's tire totally blew out. Thankfully he had a spare and he is now driving on that because the $189 they want for a tire (!!! - this little truck is nickel and diming us) is more than we have so we are now saving for that (and the other three are ready to give out too, so we are praying that we can just hold out until the refinance which we are trying to do just to make ends meet). (It just so happens that this happens the same day that I run out of gas on the side of the road because duh! thought I could make it just a little longer before buying gas ). Then today out of the blue, my car won't start . Dh came and rescued me and he thinks it is nothing -- maybe someone left a door open or something and it drained the battery. I hope so because we can't afford for anything to be wrong with my car too.
So THEN dh drops the bomb that they are closing his store which could be a very good thing or a very, very, very bad thing. He is hoping to come to the district that is on our side of town so it would be nice if he were working closer to the house BUT this district could actually be a further drive as well, because it includes stores from near our house, all the way to stores down to the next little town which is about 1 hr drive away. He could get a store that is open 24 hours (with liquor sales and those two factors are scary for night managers) or he could actually get day hours. He could actually be put in a position that would be the next step up in management which means more hours but possibly make up the pay that he isn't getting because of the no overtime that is in effect (fyi - with overtime he makes more then these “step up” managers do so we have never wanted that because they are salary and his position is hourly and of course salary ends up working waaaaay more hours).
No matter - he still has a job (we hope) and that was the important part so I thought I was okay with it all. I thought I was turning it over for G-d to handle but obviously not because I am going on two days with nearly no sleep or I don't stay asleep. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop even though I don't think I need to worry -- I'm worrying in my sleep. I prayed for a long time last night but I think I am more worried about the answers that G-d is about to give us than I am about what is happening. I'm gonna try for a nap and maybe all will be right with the world again LOL
Praying you have no shoes dropping on you but if you do, praying that you trust in the L-rd with all your heart and that they aren't steel toed boots LOL
Joel Rosenberg has often come to our church to teach and preach.I have long known about his books, both fiction and non-fiction but I guess I felt that I had no time or interest in reading about the terrible times that lie ahead of us in our prophetic future, real or fictional.That is not to say that I don’t care about these events just that getting dinner on the table - on-time - took more precedence over when nuclear war would strike.I too, have a very vivid imagination and these sorts of things often leave me worrying without cause so I tend to avoid these sorts of real time possibilities.It wasn’t until my oldest son’s youth group started studying the book of Revelation, in depth, that I needed to take a more serious look at these events, to be able to discuss them with my extremely precocious son.
I’m not sure why my son wanted to read this series by Joel Rosenberg.Maybe it was his church study.Maybe it was because he was old enough to remember the horrific scenes of 9-11 and now he is old enough to want to understand them.Maybe it is just the fascination that one could be so completely turned around in ones faith that they are willing to force the hand of G-d on the world.Maybe it is just a young boy’s natural desire to fight and blow things up (not that my son is violent or even likes violence but he is a boy and G-d seems to make boys have a fascination with these sorts of things).Whatever the case, he asked if he could start reading the series.I said I would have to preview them first and with my computer on a sabbatical this gave me time to read for pleasure.I am not an over protective, anti-violence mama who doesn’t allow my son to choose things for himself but I do believe that children are forced to grow up way too fast in our society and exposing them to fictitious events that seem to be so real may distort the actual truth.In reality, there are only a few places in these books where I would object to my almost 12 year old reading this series (no sex, no language but a couple of vivid scenes of death and killing).In the end, I have told him that he is to wait before he can read these books mostly because he will confuse the actually facts with the fictitious story that seems too close to what actually happened (Joel has been labeled as a modern day Nostradamus which he himself will say “… I’m not a psychic. I’m not a clairvoyant. I don’t call Miss Cleo in the middle of the night to get my plot ideas. I’m an evangelical Christian from an Orthodox Jewish heritage and I’m basing my novels on Biblical prophecy.”)
Now that is not to say that I personally waited to read them.Truth be told, I am hooked and currently reading the third book The Ezekiel Option.I am fascinated but not with the sad events that take place but I am fascinated with the facts.I find myself thinking that I need to go back and check the facts both prophetic and historical to compare with the book.I find myself wanting to learn more about the history of the Middle East and how it ties with the Biblical account more closely.I find myself wanting to understand how two religions - Christianity and Islam - could start from the same place and arrive at two opposites.I find myself wanting to understand end time events and the book of Revelation.I find myself asking, “Are we in the last days?”I think so.
These books are riveting and exciting; but like a “chick-flick” is more for a girl, these books would probably appeal more to a guy however, they are “can’t put the book down” action-packed thrillers that leave your mind thinking “what if?”And if “IF” happens, “what am I going to do about it? -- how would this change my life, my family, the church, my relationship with G-d and most importantly what does G-d want me to do now that I’ve thought about the “IFS”?
My Review: Action packed, "can't put it down" thrillers that leave you wanting to know more of... the truth.
The old computer just hates me!Honestly if it isn’t one thing it is another so maybe I needed the new computer more than I realized.While trying to organize my pictures to download and either have printed or sent to disk the silly computer up and shuts itself off then it won’t come back on!Of course I am loosing it because I have just about had enough of this computer nonsense so I unplug the thing with a few choice words and ready to take a sledge hammer to it.Then the old printer doesn’t like my new computer so I can’t print anything either.What a mess!Of course the new computer runs great but it does me absolutely NO GOOD if I don’t have my files from the other computer & no, I didn’t have a current backup because it would backup all my photos which I didn’t want.Anyhow long story short, the old computer is back running, still with problems and the new computer still doesn’t like the old printer but I am working as fast as I can to move everything over to the new computer.So if you learn anything from all the computer chaos in my life then learn this:
Dayenu is a song that is part of the Jewish celebration of Passover.The Hebrew word means "it would have been enough for us" or "it would have sufficed."The song is about being grateful to G-d for all of the gifts he gave the Jewish people, such as taking them out of slavery, giving them the Torah and Shabbat, and had G-d only given one of the gifts, it would have still been enough.
Now I have to come clean and tell you the rest of this computer story because was so much more to the story and how G-d’s blessings were involved.
I really am not that literate on the computer, more so than anyone else in my household but I just don’t have time to keep up to speed on everything nor have I had time to learn and that is why I got the nasty Trojan.I come to find out that I had 2 virus protection programs running at once which basically negates each other providing no protection.I also discovered many other things about my computer that I didn’t know.The entire “discovery” process was long, involved, a HUGE GIGANTIC ENORMOUS learning curve for me.Each step of the way was almost painful in the amount of time and effort it took to learn from the beginning.At times I was desperate, confused, frustrated and angry.Not receiving my email each day was driving me to near insanity and relying on the generosity of free help was excruciatingly slow and sometimes incorrect so I would have to go back to square one.I filled an entire spiral notebook with notes just so I could keep track of it all.I had to learn patience, which gave me time to understand and find out for myself the answers to my questions.At one point in the process, I had no computer access at all because my monitor was taken to the shop for 2 weeks so all my school plans blew out the door.We were fast getting further and further behind in our studies and I was getting weary.I took this break as “there had to be a reason G-d took this away”.I was having trouble with the kids completing school because the lack of the internet and now without a computer it was difficult to complete anything.The boys were frustrated but saw this as a hall pass and their motivation, discipline and general enthusiasm just disappeared as well as mine.I felt His love and His encouragement in continuing on.What choice did I have?I was frustrated and questioning our reasons for homeschooling, their motivation, my motivation, our lack of funds to fix the computer and my over all worth.Each step brought me closer to fixing the computer but it was so slow coming and I felt I was slipping down a wet, muddy path.I did realize that one way or another the computer problem would be solved but at what cost?How long could my kids go with mom at the helm of a monitor and not at the school table or the kitchen table for that matter?I was spending hours, days on end trying to understand the pig-Latin of computer-speak and then trying to apply it to my seemingly unfixable computer.The kids even stopped asking me to come eat and brought food to my desk; they were cooking, I was not.I was sick of this and in over my head even resigning to the fact that we would have to live our lives without a computer because there was no way we could afford another and I obviously wasn’t fixing the one we had.I wanted to give up.We tried other avenues like using the library computer but nothing was working.I just wanted life the way it was.
When I had exhausted all my help, I gave in and cried out, “L-rd if you want me to homeschool then you know I can’t do this without a computer so I commit this You.This is YOUR problem so please solve it or tell me what to do” (I was even considering putting the kids in school at this point).Now that isn’t to say that I didn’t pray about this before this time, I had, about everything but this time I felt so demanding and “How dare I” talk to G-d like that but maybe that is all He wanted -- a commitment, a turning it over completely to Him, MY commitment, my committing this to Him and turning it over allowing WHATEVER His answer to be, to be the answer that I excepted -- WHATEVER that answer was.
And this is so G-d!
It would have been enough had he said, “no, computer” you’ll have to save your money.It would have been enough.
But He didn’t say that ~ dayenu.
It would have been enough had He said, “no computer - you can still school” or if He had said, “no computer, no Homeschool - put them in public school”.
But He didn’t say that either though it would have been enough ~ dayenu.
It would have been enough had He said, “Use the boy’s computer”.it is old, slow and doesn’t have enough memory but it would have gotten us by and it would have been enough.
But He didn’t say that. Dayenu.
It would have been enough had He said, “it’s your monitor so buy another” but the monitor was under warranty and cost us nothing to repair and He didn’t make us buy anything. Dayenu.
It would have been enough had He said, “you can fix it on your own” but He brought on-line help that helped pinpoint the problem and so He sent help -- it would have been enough. Dayenu.
It would have been enough had He said, “your old computer is FIXED”
BUT not only did He help get the old one fixed, He sent my unbelieving earthly dad, who doesn’t think I should be homeschooling, walk in my front door with a brand new state of art computer, without being asked or prompted by me that we were having this trouble, when I hadn’t spoken to my father since Christmas!!!!!!!Yes, a new computer that cost more than the last car we bought, that is more than we need or more than we wanted.ONLY He can do that and it was WAAAAAY more than enough!It was over and above enough.It wasn’t even the answer I was praying for -- it didn’t occur to me that I even needed a new computer -- but it did to G-d (and now the boys have my fixed broken one and I have the brand new one).
My prayers have been answered in a mightier way than I could have expected.I only committed the problem to Him.I only asked the L-rd if He wanted me to Homeschool and how or if He wanted me to do it and to show me how?Does G-d love me?You betcha baby but I don’t feel His love because I have a new computer but because He answers prayer -- EVERY prayer -- the good and bad -- He gives us exactly what we need, actually more than what we need and that is why I feel His love.And yep this was a beyond imaginable answer to my prayer but if He had said, “Nope - no computer or internet for you”,
FINALLY!I’m back!69 days of self-inflicted, self-taught computer class and I think I am officially back online.After much consulting and lots of online help I have cleaned out a nasty Trojan (pats self on back LOL).My new monitor gave out but thankfully it was still under warranty.Then my actually internet service went out and they had to replace my modem, my lines and the box outside my house.So now my computer is clean as a whistle plus I know more about TCP/IP’s and winsocks than you EVER wanted to know in your lifetime, so it is all a good thing because I learned so much.
The funny thing was that the whole time that I was working on my computer, I just kept praying that G-d would restore my life to the way it was -- restore my computer to the way it was.I begged Him.Everything seemed a wreck and we were lost.I was lost.I can’t believe how much we use the internet on a day to day basis.It is my lifeline, my inspiration, my calendar, my answer to curiosity, a good portion of our school all online, yet it was also my crutch.It is where I ran away from the world.Where I escaped and where I shunned my responsibilities and I am guessing, this was an ever more increasing event so that is why G-d just shut it down.
Yet, being without the computer we discovered that doing school at the library, while not ideal, was a new and novel idea that actually worked better for our home school (we pack up our books and supplies and off we go).I discovered that my kiddos really needed to understand that these machines do more than play their favorite software but also how the internet works, how to fix the computer when it breaks and how to not break it in the first place, so guess who has added basic computer classes to her curriculum?I learned how to read a book for pleasure (what a concept!) instead of for the next school planning lesson.I also discovered how much time I actually spent on this machine because without it I was able to sort through all our pictures from 2004 to present (they were a tossed jumbled mess that I thought I would NEVER be able to get organized, at least not before my first sons wedding).I’ve since started organizing the ones that I have saved on my computer as well.I re-learned how to knit and I was able to scrap a bunch.I even tried my hand at once-a-month cooking session that worked marvelous for my family.
So as much as I just wanted my life with the internet back, I realized now how much of my life I was missing so I am really going to watch now how much time I spend mindlessly surfing and I plan to tone down and not make this machine so much apart of my life.
I'm still getting the computers up to speed as far as updating and making sure I have everything I need so that I don't ever have another virus/bug/trojan to clean EVER AGAIN LOL! I still have a long way to go before I can say I am done working on the computer but it still feels super terrific to be back online.
Please pray for me and my computer. As you can tell from the lack of posts to this site, I and my computer have gone AWOL. Both of our computer monitors have gone out and I am working on repairing the damage I received from a virus to my hard drive so I will be MIA until this whole nasty issue is resolved (hopefully without buying ANYTHING). Thanks for your patience --- LOL please pray for mine.
For the record Christmas morning really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be so I guess I am ready to reflect on what I have learned from it all.But it is so noisy in our house today I’m not sure I can think to write LOL.I don’t understand why grandparents think that buying electronic talking toys is such a blessing to their grandchildren.I think they are secretly getting back at us for all the rotten things we did while we were growing up.It is parental payback that is making me insane LOL
I’m trying to get the boys to put down their new toys long enough to write some thank you cards.In my depressed state I failed to mention that we didn’t go to my in-laws house to celebrate on Christmas Eve (my face doesn’t hide anything when I am upset) yet the presents showed up here anyway, so today, that I am feeling more forgiving and now that this whole horrid event has come and gone I thought it might be nice to pick up the pieces and be thankful.Many people give to the boys but they are either out of town or have their presents delivered so we don’t see them (& that is a whole nother can of worms that I won’t go into now).I thought it would be nice to let them at least know we received them and I am trying to instill appreciation in my boys --- I know I should probably work on some of this in myself as well.
This Christmas my side of immediate family agreed to not give presents to each other because everyone was so broke but I guess that meant “tone it down” & not necessarily “no gifts”.They had already said that they could not NOT give to my boys so I asked them to give together gifts and to expect my boys to give back little something’s because we are trying so hard to fight the “get, get, get” of Christmas and we are trying to instill the GIVE aspect.I have come to understand that broke to us is soooooo not broke to what others think is broke --- man if they only knew what broke really is.I know in my heart that dh, my boys and I are blessed beyond measure and G-d graciously provides ALL that we need so I KNOW that my family is soooo not poor and that there are many others out there that are much worse that we try to help but golly gosh.
Well guess whose boys got a brand new Wii for Christmas from the people who said they were broke?Not to mention some additional games and accessories!I don’t know but that doesn’t sound like a gift I would buy if I was broke not that this a gift I could afford to give my kiddos like in EVER.Now don’t take me wrong.In years past I would have been so hurt that others provided such a great gift and thus making mom & dad look like cheapskates but this year I think dh’s blunder just made everything seem trivial.I didn’t care what happened because I guess I felt like it couldn’t get any worse.And wow!I’m not a video game player but I knew that this was the Christmas present of all presents for my boys -- the unspoken present that you secretly wish for that you want so badly but you don’t even dare utter the words because you know that the dream might poof and then you will never get it.So yep! compared to the gag silly gifts that we gave this year (& last year) this present was like the boys won the lottery and I am grateful that grandma & grandpa were so “broke” that they got them this one gift.I don’t know but it made it seem that all was right in the world and that maybe we weren’t so “strange” and “off the wall” or doing things so different from the world that we felt like we didn’t belong in this world any more.I know that this isn’t my home and that is often the reminder that keeps me from doing things like the world but sometimes I want to at least feel like I belong and that (as the song from Cheers goes) “everybody knows your name”.
So what did I learn?
My family is financially DIRT POOR & BROKE (even more than I originally thought) - but we are wealthy beyond measure in spirit and even if we can’t afford to have Wii games or surround sound systems we do have each other and as the commercial goes - that is priceless.
The world didn’t fall apart because of the hurt that happened in my life just weeks before Christmas.As a matter of fact, Christmas came and went just like it always does and because I crawled into a hole, half of the things that I “normally” do didn’t get done (thinking specifically about the sugar dough and gingerbread dough still in the fridge that never got baked or the Christmas card greetings that won’t be sent this year and the many other things on the “perfect” Christmas list).So doesn’t that say that I don’t need to make myself so Christmas crazy with preparations (& probably those around me too)?I too need to tone it down and stop making Christmas THE event that makes me utterly coo-koo because it doesn’t have to be sooooo PERFECT.
And the most important lesson that:Less probably is more.Think about it.If you only got the ONE gift - the ONE greatest gift that you couldn’t even utter the words to tell someone about because it was that special, would that not make it the BEST Christmas EVER in your life?From now on, I want to eliminate the junk and look for the ONE gift -- & I know Who that starts with -- the One and Only true gift which is Christ our L-rd.
Okay this is just about the worse Christmas present to go along with what is going down in history as the worst Christmas of my life LOL!Okay I know it could be sooooo much worse but this just seems fitting with the rest of my “bah humbug” season.I find this so sad that Disney will not co-produce the third installment of Narnia “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" stating it was because of “budgetary and logistical reasons”.The boys got Prince Caspian for Christmas so we watched it again today. Even with the Disney influence in this movie, one can hear and see all the influences C.S. Lewis implied to having a Christian faith.I am praying that someone will step up in faith and co-finance with Walden Pictures, praying too that they don't loose the flare and the message and the wonderfulness of C.S. Lewis that these movies are.Man, I wish I was wealthy so I could do it LOL
Hoping your Christmas is full of better surprises. Merry Christmas!
Hmm… How is the stress level at your house?Bah Humbug is more like it here at mine.It has just been one thing after another and I just don't have it in me to do it but I also don't like looking back at my life and saying "I wish I would have" or it was "my attitude" that ruined it all so I am trying to have the Christmas spirit.
Dh thinks I need to get his blunder off my chest -- I'm forgiving him but I still have moments of anger, depression and "how can this be?”He is trying and I am trying, so in that respect things are better and I'm no longer looking for a motel for him LOL.Okay so what did he do you ask?
I'll try to be brief (but hardly unlikely LOL).
The man bought a stereo surround sound system for the TV at the tune of $350 from a man in an alley off the street!!!!!!!!okay there are so many things wrong with this I can't even hardly see straight --
1) We only had $300 in Christmas money to spend on EVERYBODY
2) He took out $ from our emergency fund to pay for this -- a HUGE no, no!Gosh, has he not watched the news in the past year???? Is he not at all worried about the economy???
3) Our house isn't really set up in a way that a surround sound would work well except for maybe in the bedroom and the TV in there is only used to hold dirty clothes - it has horrid reception so we rarely watch it and after Feb it won't even work because it will need a converter box and it doesn't have the plugs for the converter box it is that old.
4)Duh!! we can't even afford to buy the converter boxes that we need WITH the $40 coupon because we found out that we need to get "proper" antennas for the TV's we do have in order for the conversion to take place.
5) more than likely this stupid sound system is STOLEN so not sure we can in our right mind turn around and sell it to recoup our money and never mind what repercussions we would have if it comes back to haunt us.
6) we later find out that we don't even have a new enough TV that the surround sound will plug into so this was a TOTAL waste of money unless we buy a new TV as well (rolling eyes because we both agreed that we would be giving up most TV with the conversion)
7) He first claimed that it was a family gift but has since seen the reality of his actions and has apologized for being so selfish
8) The next $350 that we were to save was slotted for a new dishwasher and the kids even opted to go on a less expensive vacation over the summer to quicker save money for a dishwasher (& we sorta blew that when we kept hitting bumpers but that is a whole nother story).The boys honestly wanted a dishwasher for Christmas.Tell me whose kids want a dishwasher for Christmas?????Only kids who are sick of washing dishes by hand and who are willing to give up any frivolous gift they could get to save them from washing dishes!I don't know, does that make my children lazy or conscientious?They know they will still need to load & unload the dishwasher and they still want to sacrifice any fun for ease and more free time.
9) This year I made a HUGE deal (read stinking fit) about our family NOT giving our extended family gifts (he has 6 brothers and sisters all married with children who also have children and they REFUSE to draw names or do anything at all economical for Christmas -- it comes to 42 just on his side of the immediate family.Well, with the 10 on my side that comes to buying for 52 people not including any extraneous people like the boy’s AWANA or piano teachers and such!!! Even dividing the group by families it still comes to 13 & giving to only the kids comes to 17!!Every year we say we will stop the madness and this year I put my foot down).And even at $5 a piece that just didn't leave anything for our kids so we haven't bought presents for our own kids or each other for a few years now (& $5 per person, that isn't very much either).I was okay with this decision to not get the boys gifts because they do get a lot -- too much in fact BUT it is never nice or what they need and never what they truly wanted and in the past few years it has been absolute JUNK (as in dollar store gifts that barely lasted through Christmas Eve).I was okay with what we were doing because I thought the goal was NOT to go into debt over Christmas.I try to make up for the lack of real gifts on their birthdays but this year I just said enough is enough -- the world is messed up if you don't give to your own children and husband at Christmas and you give to others who don't appreciate or need it.I have always tried to save us money by making most of our gifts but his family poo-poo's at what I do to the point of actually throwing away one of my gifts IN FRONT OF ME intentionally!!! Last year, we didn't have hardly anything left for our own family Christmas and that is when we wrapped up silly gifts of things we already had around the house for each other-- dh's work shoes, my purse, cans of olives; you get the point.It was a hoot but it also broke my heart and I said never again.I just didn't want our Christmas to be like that.Dh agreed that not giving gifts this year to the immediate family was a good idea (& btw dh has tried to discuss this, in the past, with his family, to the point of arguing and fighting with them about it -- they don't agree with us and we just can't afford it anymore so the "no gifts" this year might just make it sink into their heads that we can't afford it).Funny thing was that my boys understood that it was about the giving and not the getting and they are also trying to make not going into debt a priority as well.My dh just had a momentary brain lapse that has cost us dearly.I am trying to forgive and I know that in the long range things like this will seem so trivial but it is still a moment by moment forgiveness.
9) ARGH!!! And what kind of message did papa send to the kids who bought their Christmas presents to each other at garage sales and the Goodwill!!!!!!!He has asked for their forgiveness and has explained to them fully what a very unthoughtful thing that he did so I guess that is important but dad just dropped down to human status in their minds LOL.It was difficult for them to deal with their emotions because they didn't understand how this had happened either.They are being understanding about this Christmas and understanding that "no one is righteous, no not one" which includes their dad.They are trying even harder to not "want" knowing that our financial situation is just grime now but I tell you, kids shouldn't have to worry about money in this way.They know they should be good stewards of what G-d gives them but they shouldn't be put into this position of watching out for mom and dad's money too.I think it makes a kid grow up way too fast.I know G-d works all things for good and I pray that this is an invaluable lesson for them in years to come.
10) Never mind that we (as in mom & dad) haven't gotten them anything this year either and now we can't because the money is spent -- or at least "I" feel like we can't because I would rather have that emergency money sitting in our account than NO emergency money and the additional VISA bill coming in January for the gifts we bought in guilt.Dh didn't completely feel the same way at first but he is abiding and toning waaay down, seeing it more clearly that he originally did.Maybe he trusts the L-rd more than I do but he isn't the one making homemade bread and soup out of leftover chicken bones and potato peelings or humbling himself and going to the food pantry to make the money last just a tad longer.I just thought I was doing all these things and denying ourselves of even some necessities because it was helping to keep us afloat AND keeping me from going to get a job.I know he felt the same way as well, but he just forgot what our goal was.I know so much of this happened because the poor man is just plain exhausted but more so, he is just sick of living on barely and trying to make ends meet but we ALL are and I just keep thinking we can't give up.He just forgot that and I know that; it is hard to keep fighting and fighting to keep the world out especially this time of year when it practically comes knocking on your front door.I also am not worried about the future because I DO trust the L-rd and I know that G-d provides however, I also believe that we need to watch the signs and see things for what they are and do our own part.It seems to me that things in the world are going to get so much worse before they get better and I just felt that we have to do everything in our power to not be pulled into the tidal wave.Dh momentarily lost that battle -- I am forgiving him for that and trying to make it through this Christmas with what we CAN do but my world was shattered over night and I am afraid I just don't have the energy to make it alright, nor did I have enough time to turn it all around in time for Christmas (this all happened a few weeks ago and it, combined with my sons Flamenco show just blew the wind right out of my sail and sent me spiraling into depression -- I’m better now).I'm just tired of fighting the world especially when it comes out in family but especially when it arrives in the form of my dh.I know that the convictions that I have are right because we are so blessed by G-d when we follow them but my dh is sometimes a flake -- one minute he is spot on agreeing with every word I say or at least discussing it and the next minute he is forgetting what we discussed and going back to the world.Maybe because he works retail it is hard to detach oneself from it.I'm just so worn and truly wondering that if the whole holiday just runs its coarse this way every year because it really isn't the day Jesus was born -- it is a farce almost as big as Santa so why would G-d be happy with this and we all know who likes to make a hay day out of all of this and just create chaos, confusion and disappointment.And I find it interesting that G-d doesn't list HIS birthday as one of the feasts in the Bible that we are required to celebrate (although I know some believe that Jesus was born during Sukkoth that celebration still is not a birthday party for Him.).All of these thoughts just make me think that Christmas will always be like this and I believe G-d doesn't want us worshiping a baby but a King of Kings and a L-rd of L-rds and that is possibly why He doesn't ask us to celebrate His birthday which is all wrapped up in a Hollywood blanket as well.
So that is where I'm at.It is off my chest.I have forgiven and moved on but that is just one of the many reasons I’ve been away and why this Christmas was just “getting through it”.I hope your Christmas Eve is MUCH better.
Conversations with myself about the triumphs and tribulations of being a Mama Bear to 3 baby bears, a helpmeet, a CM AO Hs teacher, a Flybaby, a daughter of Eve and a princess to the King.
so it is still all good.
). Then today out of the blue, my car won't start 
. Dh came and rescued me and he thinks it is nothing -- maybe someone left a door open or something and it drained the battery. I hope so because we can't afford for anything to be wrong with my car too.
