Posted in Making Memories

Dh thinks I need to get his blunder off my chest -- I'm forgiving him but I still have moments of anger, depression and "how can this be?”  He is trying and I am trying, so in that respect things are better and I'm no longer looking for a motel for him LOL.  Okay so what did he do you ask?

I'll try to be brief (but hardly unlikely LOL). 

The man bought a stereo surround sound system for the TV at the tune of $350 from a man in an alley off the street!!!!!!!!  okay there are so many things wrong with this I can't even hardly see straight --

1) We only had $300 in Christmas money to spend on EVERYBODY

2) He took out $ from our emergency fund to pay for this -- a HUGE no, no!  Gosh, has he not watched the news in the past year????  Is he not at all worried about the economy???

3) Our house isn't really set up in a way that a surround sound would work well except for maybe in the bedroom and the TV in there is only used to hold dirty clothes - it has horrid reception so we rarely watch it and after Feb it won't even work because it will need a converter box and it doesn't have the plugs for the converter box it is that old.

4)  Duh!! we can't even afford to buy the converter boxes that we need WITH the $40 coupon because we found out that we need to get "proper" antennas for the TV's we do have in order for the conversion to take place.

5) more than likely this stupid sound system is STOLEN so not sure we can in our right mind turn around and sell it to recoup our money and never mind what repercussions we would have if it comes back to haunt us.

6) we later find out that we don't even have a new enough TV that the surround sound will plug into so this was a TOTAL waste of money unless we buy a new TV as well (rolling eyes because we both agreed that we would be giving up most TV with the conversion) 

7) He first claimed that it was a family gift but has since seen the reality of his actions and has apologized for being so selfish

8) The next $350 that we were to save was slotted for a new dishwasher and the kids even opted to go on a less expensive vacation over the summer to quicker save money for a dishwasher (& we sorta blew that when we kept hitting bumpers but that is a whole nother story).  The boys honestly wanted a dishwasher for Christmas.  Tell me whose kids want a dishwasher for Christmas?????  Only kids who are sick of washing dishes by hand and who are willing to give up any frivolous gift they could get to save them from washing dishes!  I don't know, does that make my children lazy or conscientious?  They know they will still need to load & unload the dishwasher and they still want to sacrifice any fun for ease and more free time.

9) This year I made a HUGE deal (read stinking fit) about our family NOT giving our extended family gifts (he has 6 brothers and sisters all married with children who also have children and they REFUSE to draw names or do anything at all economical for Christmas -- it comes to 42 just on his side of the immediate family.  Well, with the 10 on my side that comes to buying for 52 people not including any extraneous people like the boy’s AWANA or piano teachers and such!!!  Even dividing the group by families it still comes to 13 & giving to only the kids comes to 17!!  Every year we say we will stop the madness and this year I put my foot down).  And even at $5 a piece that just didn't leave anything for our kids so we haven't bought presents for our own kids or each other for a few years now (& $5 per person, that isn't very much either).  I was okay with this decision to not get the boys gifts because they do get a lot -- too much in fact BUT it is never nice or what they need and never what they truly wanted and in the past few years it has been absolute JUNK (as in dollar store gifts that barely lasted through Christmas Eve).  I was okay with what we were doing because I thought the goal was NOT to go into debt over Christmas.  I try to make up for the lack of real gifts on their birthdays but this year I just said enough is enough -- the world is messed up if you don't give to your own children and husband at Christmas and you give to others who don't appreciate or need it.   I have always tried to save us money by making most of our gifts but his family poo-poo's at what I do to the point of actually throwing away one of my gifts IN FRONT OF ME intentionally!!! Last year, we didn't have hardly anything left for our own family Christmas and that is when we wrapped up silly gifts of things we already had around the house for each other-- dh's work shoes, my purse, cans of olives; you get the point.  It was a hoot but it also broke my heart and I said never again.  I just didn't want our Christmas to be like that.   Dh agreed that not giving gifts this year to the immediate family was a good idea (& btw dh has tried to discuss this, in the past, with his family, to the point of arguing and fighting with them about it -- they don't agree with us and we just can't afford it anymore so the "no gifts" this year might just make it sink into their heads that we can't afford it).  Funny thing was that my boys understood that it was about the giving and not the getting and they are also trying to make not going into debt a priority as well.  My dh just had a momentary brain lapse that has cost us dearly.  I am trying to forgive and I know that in the long range things like this will seem so trivial but it is still a moment by moment forgiveness.     

9) ARGH!!! And what kind of message did papa send to the kids who bought their Christmas presents to each other at garage sales and the Goodwill!!!!!!!  He has asked for their forgiveness and has explained to them fully what a very unthoughtful thing that he did so I guess that is important but dad just dropped down to human status in their minds LOL.  It was difficult for them to deal with their emotions because they didn't understand how this had happened either.  They are being understanding about this Christmas and understanding that "no one is righteous, no not one" which includes their dad.  They are trying even harder to not "want" knowing that our financial situation is just grime now but I tell you, kids shouldn't have to worry about money in this way.  They know they should be good stewards of what G-d gives them but they shouldn't be put into this position of watching out for mom and dad's money too.  I think it makes a kid grow up way too fast.  I know G-d works all things for good and I pray that this is an invaluable lesson for them in years to come.

10)  Never mind that we (as in mom & dad) haven't gotten them anything this year either and now we can't because the money is spent -- or at least "I" feel like we can't because I would rather have that emergency money sitting in our account than NO emergency money and the additional VISA bill coming in January for the gifts we bought in guilt.  Dh didn't completely feel the same way at first but he is abiding and toning waaay down, seeing it more clearly that he originally did.  Maybe he trusts the L-rd more than I do but he isn't the one making homemade bread and soup out of leftover chicken bones and potato peelings or humbling himself and going to the food pantry to make the money last just a tad longer.  I just thought I was doing all these things and denying ourselves of even some necessities because it was helping to keep us afloat AND keeping me from going to get a job.  I know he felt the same way as well, but he just forgot what our goal was.  I know so much of this happened because the poor man is just plain exhausted but more so, he is just sick of living on barely and trying to make ends meet but we ALL are and I just keep thinking we can't give up.  He just forgot that and I know that; it is hard to keep fighting and fighting to keep the world out especially this time of year when it practically comes knocking on your front door.  I also am not worried about the future because I DO trust the L-rd and I know that G-d provides however, I also believe that we need to watch the signs and see things for what they are and do our own part.  It seems to me that things in the world are going to get so much worse before they get better and I just felt that we have to do everything in our power to not be pulled into the tidal wave.  Dh momentarily lost that battle -- I am forgiving him for that and trying to make it through this Christmas with what we CAN do but my world was shattered over night and I am afraid I just don't have the energy to make it alright, nor did I have enough time to turn it all around in time for Christmas (this all happened a few weeks ago and it, combined with my sons Flamenco show just blew the wind right out of my sail and sent me spiraling into depression -- I’m better now).  I'm just tired of fighting the world especially when it comes out in family but especially when it arrives in the form of my dh.  I know that the convictions that I have are right because we are so blessed by G-d when we follow them but my dh is sometimes a flake -- one minute he is spot on agreeing with every word I say or at least discussing it and the next minute he is forgetting what we discussed and going back to the world.  Maybe because he works retail it is hard to detach oneself from it.  I'm just so worn and truly wondering that if the whole holiday just runs its coarse this way every year because it really isn't the day Jesus was born -- it is a farce almost as big as Santa so why would G-d be happy with this and we all know who likes to make a hay day out of all of this and just create chaos, confusion and disappointment.  And I find it interesting that G-d doesn't list HIS birthday as one of the feasts in the Bible that we are required to celebrate (although I know some believe that Jesus was born during Sukkoth that celebration still is not a birthday party for Him.).  All of these thoughts just make me think that Christmas will always be like this and I believe G-d doesn't want us worshiping a baby but a King of Kings and a L-rd of L-rds and that is possibly why He doesn't ask us to celebrate His birthday which is all wrapped up in a Hollywood blanket as well. 

So that is where I'm at.  It is off my chest.  I have forgiven and moved on but that is just one of the many reasons I’ve been away and why this Christmas was just “getting through it”.  I hope your Christmas Eve is MUCH better.

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