Posted in Saying Goodbye to Whining
Chapter 3 More Than Just Following Directions
Wow! This chapter was a little bit of an eye opener for me in that it explains the difference between obedience and honor. While Dh and I have always been a little heavy on the obedience end (maybe even too much at times), this chapter shows where obedience leaves off, and honor takes over. Both are very important.
"Obedience is doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded."
Obedience does what is told and honor THINKS what somebody else needs. I can see where this is what creates caring, loving, leaders of our children. After a time of learning obedience where the young children are told what to do, our training must then turn to honoring which has them thinking of things on their own. We are at this point with our 1ds9 and I think that it helps him to feel more grown up and see where he is being a blessing by honoring others. The problem is that we expect and train for obedience for so long that when our dks finally start doing things on their own and honoring, it sometimes gets over looked in the praise department. And many times we think that once they start obeying that our job is done but this book is saying to take it to the next step and teach them to think how they can be obedient on their own which is honoring someone else. Woo Howdee! It is more work but I like it!
PRACTICAL POINT:
Don't forget to "CatchUm Being Good" when you see HONOR taking place.
But what about the kid who just isn't being obedient yet? Well the authors say that one of the reasons that children aren't obeying is because we as parents, haven't made clear what we expect from our children. A child who is obedient is then free to have a clear conscience. This is something we have experienced with my 2ds7y. He actually got to the point that he thought we didn't love him and he wanted to runaway. He didn't know why or what was going on but I see now that it was a heavy heart burdened with disobendience and unknowing what was expected of him. The problem you see was a bit of confusion and frustration coming from me in that I didn't ever tell him what I expected and when he could make his own plans and just do his own thing. I just kept giving him more school work and chores without considering his ideas or desires. He didn't see obedience as freedom but the exact opposite.
PRACTICAL POINT:
Clearly explain what your expectations are to your child. Write them out or make a checklist of responsibilities that you expect and don't add to that without warning.
"Children can feel that sense of freedom every day by obeying their parents and completing the work they've been asked to do."
Now you can see already where the whining is going to come into play here. The kid doesn't want to obey, even with the expectations lined up or the child must be taught how to honor which may require some gentle reminding, that they don't like or jobs must be redone because they weren't done with honor. Pouting, not answering, ignoring, badgering, bartering, complaining or doing a poor job are all forms of the same non-compliance and our children need to learn more honoring ways to communicate.
"Children who haven't learned to obey should be given fewer choices."
Parent says: "Obey first, and then we'll talk about it"
This little phrase freed me up from loosing my cool, getting frustrated and kept me from pulling my hair out. No arguing, no fussing, no fighting - end of discussion until obedience has been achieved and yes, there was some resistance but this little phrase put me back in charge. Once the child has learned to obey unconditionally, without arguing and complaining, then and only then, are they allowed the privilege and responsibility of the
Wise Appeal:
"I understand that you want me to ..... because...."
"I have a problem with that because...."
"Could I please.....?"
What great communication skills this is building! Can you imagine how many marital fights this would have prevented? This type of communication makes everyone feel understood, important and it focuses on a solution instead of the problem. If the child still can not except your answer or whining takes place, then the privilege of using the wise appeal is lost for a while - privilege and responsibility go hand in hand.
..."But wait...ladies and gentlemen, there's still more...." (Do you hear the commerical?)
Honor can also help you change directions with a child who is headed in the wrong direction. Here is the plan for getting out of negative cycles:
1 Get some answers from the child
Let the child figure out what he can do or say in a specific situation as prevention from his negative behavior
2 Talk about it
Not argue, fight or lecture but reminding that they are appreciated, a joy and a contribution.
3 Choose an Activity
Let the child come up with a way that they can honor the family.
4 Help the Child Succeed
Help them to complete their choosen activity.
Lots of good stuff to put into action in this chapter. This is one to come back to over and over.
Posted in Saying Goodbye to Whining
Well, it is time to get back to my over zealous bookshelf and finish reading the stack I have started. I'm not sure how I missed this but my whole intention in posting notes about each chapter was to spark some practical ways that I could apply the principles being set forth in this book. HA! I always look through the entire book before I start reading but somehow I missed that Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes actually does have an Appendix to use as a family, exactly for this purpose. I will continue with my notes and whatever God shows me in hopes that it will help somebody else or give you your own ideas.
Chapter 2 Honor Changes People...
"..the way people think, the way we act, and the way we treat others."
I've had a few months to ponder and put into play the whole concept of honor and this chapter really emphasized to me that HONOR starts with me. If I want my dks to be honorable, treat others as special or to change any of their undesirable ways, then I have to be the one to change first. Children only reflect what has been shown to them and I have to honestly admit that honor as described in this book was the sort of thing that "you need to do, but mommy does it this way" attitude I was projecting toward my kids -- "do as I say, not as I do". It is the same attitude that gets upset with being a submissive "helpmeet" to my dh; instead of seeing this term as the person who helps him meet his needs. This really leads into:
"If not counteracted, selfish habits will simply become more entrenched."
PRACTICAL POINTS:
Confess to God your selfishness and reconcile with all those in your family that you may not have been honorable to.
Memorize Romans 12:10 "Honor one another above yourselves."
What happened in our family that selfishness was allowed to seep in? According to this book, the reason is that "parents have lost their joy." For my family it wasn't the kids or our relationships that lacked joy but the demanding, crazy hours my dh works. I think it just got too difficult for us parents to be joyful without good sleep and some normalcy.
PRACTICAL POINT:
Discover some "joyful" celebrations that make your family special. Things that bring you together as a family and create memorable times that bring giggles and laughter.
Our family likes to hike and letterbox (see link in sidebar) when the weather is nice. In winter, we like to roast marshmallows by candlelight and make indoor s'mores. We have carpet picnics, international food nights and eat once a month on the good china in our nice suits. In the summer, we like to move the TV outside on the porch and watch movies. We try to have afternoon tea as often as we can. These are all opportunities that give each other a chance to experience joy within our family. We don't allow teasing or ridicule. In our family we don't say, "I don't care" but rather "I don't mind". We don't say "I know" but rather "Your right". These are the sort of things that define our family and make it unique. It also shows the difference between respect and honor. Honor is the higher road.
Posted in Saying Goodbye to Whining
I love how this book starts out reminding me that my family hasn't always been whiners and complainers and that even Adam & Eve's kids had their share of problems. It is good to know that there is hope for my family. One of the reasons we homeschool is because it is the best place to foster each of our childrens unique gifts and talents. Unfourtunately that also means that they have wills of their own and that is where the concept of HONOR comes in.
"Honor thinks what would please someone else,
gives more than is expected, with a good attitude."
The authors point out that as our families mature and grow, that we sometimes give up our positive vision in exchange for basic survival skills. This was an interesting point for me because I really felt that my vision of what our family would be like changed because it wasn't what "I" expected. I always pictured what my friend calls a "Kool-Aid" world. I never invisioned homeschooling, being dirt broke, feeling soooo tired of juggling it all and loosing the fun "Hey who wants Kool-Aid?" type mom behavior. When I read this I was amazed to see how good I started out being a "great mom" and how when I got worn down (3dks later) how I turned into not such a great mom. I'm ready to recaputure that positive vision again.
PRACTICAL POINT:
After prayerful consideration,
redefine your families vision with God, your spouse and then with children.
Another HUGE point was that "for every selfish act, there is an honor-based solution". This was a little bit of a new concept for us and to help us understand I decided to do the idea from the book and give gifts of dirt to each of my kids. We discussed that when we are selfish and we treat each other in dishonoring ways that it feels like gifts of dirt, which is awful. We then decorated terra cotta pots, used the dirt to plant seeds and gave the planted pots to other people. It was such a great object lesson and the key to understanding honor.
PRACTICAL POINT:
Use "dirt" to explain how honor is a gift (see page 11 in the book).
Posted in Saying Goodbye to Whining
Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining & Bad Attitudes by Scott Turansky
This book was chosen as one of my selections because you can probable guess that this is going on in our house with me and my three little bears. I'm not exactly sure how all this "fun" started but it was probably parent induced and it has been allowed to fester and grow. The time has come to put a stop to it all and I hope to share what I learn and hopefully, the practical ideas that put it to work. There is a discussion group here if you want to join in reading the book with them and HippieMommy is blogging her insights.
