The Cardinal Academy

Sep. 27, 2006

The floodgates have opened.

After spending yet another night without sleep, because my heart was ( and is currently) beating out my chest so rapidly that it takes my breath, I am just an emotional wreck right now. I am tired and sick. I am scared of dying having this baby and leaving my four beautiful children without a Mother. I am just being completely honest here. I am overwhelmed and I am TERRIFIED. SO far, the consensus seems to be that I will have a C-section at 36 weeks. That has me so worried, because what if the baby isn't ready? What if I start contracting before then? They don't want me to contract at all, but with my last two, I started contracting at 28 weeks along. I had my last two each a month early. I am so scared of another abruption. I am scared of even HAVING a C-section at all!!!! I only have the one terrifying experience from my emergency C-section and everyone (medically) has said that it was a miracle that we survived that. It is hard to imagine a C-section happening any other way.

I know that my anxiety is adding to my heart issues now and I spent all night trying to breath through and relax, but to no avail. I have had so many people come to me with "what ifs" and "are you prepared fors" that I walk around like I am in a horror movie all the time.

I need to spend more time with the Lord, but I am failing at that. I need to lean not on my own understanding, but I am wavering so badly from what I know right now that I can't seem to find my way back to the refuge that has protected me so many times before. I wish that I could just live through this pregnancy unaware of what COULD happen like I did before the abruption, but I am not finding that easy to do. Every pain, every weird sensation has me wondering if that is the start of mine and my baby's end.

Isn't that NUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! As much as I know it is, I can't seem to shake it. The other night at bedtime my oldest came to me and said, " Mommy I need you to come down here so I can tell you something important. I just wanted you to know that, whatever happens to you EVER, I will love you forever." Of course, I waited until she left the room and then cried myself to sleep, Nathan said, "She isn't aprophet. She loves youa nd can tell YOU are worried". That makes me sad too.

Please pray that I will be able to find my way back to my refuge in the Lord.

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Comments

Sep. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Posted by SheriLynn

I just think it's so sad that people are coming to you with "what if's". You have so much on your plate, adding to it isn't going to help at all. I am praying for your peace and comfort.

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Sep. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Posted by gal51

You need to take those thoughts captive to Jesus girl!!! I am emailing you!

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Sep. 28, 2006 - {{{HUGS}}}

Posted by NCLighthouseKeeper

Oh Angela! I have had computer problems and then been so busy that I haven't been able to blog much lately, and am just catching up with your blog. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! I didn't know you were expecting a baby! That is such wonderful news. I absolutely love the announcement that you created!
It is quite sad that your news hasn't been received with rejoicing all around ~ but take heart. That will change when Baby Murray makes his or her appearance and melts all those hearts! And sweet sister, I will be praying for your peace and health, and ability to trust your Heavenly Father with ALL the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy and birth. He loves you and knows your fears and wants you to TRUST and REST in his care. Our health care providers don't always help in these situations. I know that when I was pregnant with my fifth, I was considered a "high risk" pregnancy simply because I was 38! The doctor kept calling me an "older mother" and had to inform me of increased risk of this, that, and the other thing. It was wearying at times. At one time he expressed concern after an examination that there might not be enough amniotic fluid in the womb, indicating a problem with the baby, and sent me to Chapel Hill for a Level 3 UltraSound. I had a couple of days of wrestling with God over the "what ifs", but ultimately had peace and left the situation in God's hands. The doctor in Chapel Hill was much more encouraging, and found no problem, and even said, "38? That's not old! I see women older than that all the time and they do just great!" I haven't ever experienced the trauma that you have during childbirth, so I can't say that I know what you are feeling. But instead of thinking of what MIGHT have happened in that situation, think about the MIRACLE that God performed and the wonderful example of his intervention in preserving both yours and your baby's life. God has a marvelous plan for your life, and the life of each of your children, and for Nathan's life! You won't die one minute before God's plan for your life has been accomplished, no matter what the "experts" and "well-meaning friends" say. Take courage!
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
<><
Beth

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Oct. 1, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Juldos

((((Angela)))),
I will commit to pray daily for you and for the baby.
Remember that the Lord holds you in the palm of His hand and that He has inscribed you on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:15,16).
Much love,
Julie D.

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Oct. 1, 2006 - Ditto all the other sisters!

Posted by

You're in my prayers and your family, too. What a precious heart you have and how wonderful that you share your fears (which ALL of us have if we will admit them!!). After 5 sections (the last at age 44!!) I had doctors scolding me like a child and warning me of all the "what-ifs", reminding me of the emergency section I'd had previously, etc. Remember one thing my dh keeps telling me - the LORD loves our children even more than we do and He holds every moment of their life in the palm of His Hand (and us, too!). May you have some deeply-deserved rest and peace. Love you and sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!
-F

Edited by creech7s on Oct. 1, 2006 at 10:44 PM

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The journal of a NEW homeschooling Mommy of many.