I wrote a lengthy blog yesterday about how I feel these days. It was kind of bitter and depressing, so I deleted it. Let me try this again. THis time it may seem very random to you, the reader, but it is a stream of thought that I am trying (I NEED) to be focusing on these days.  Bear with me.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS!!!!!

We had our 20 wk ultrasound and we are having another precious PINK bundle to add to our clan. She was healthy and moving all around.  Her name will be Annagail (which is a combination of my nickname from my sweet and my middle name) and Faith (which we just thought was just a perfect middle name for our little girl).  I am so happy that God is delivering her to us. Unless the Lord moves miraculous to change our hearts in the next four months, she will be our last pregnancy.  This is the first time in my life that the thought of that idea didn't make me weep. In fact, my body has been through so much with my 5 pregnancies in 6 years that I am looking forward to the idea of true physical healing.  Nathan and I came to this prayerful decision together, but after first searching and praying deeply by ourselves.  I am ready to feel whole for my husband, and for my children on a daily basis.

These 6 people that will fill my home are my God-given ministries . I have this mental picture in my mind of the last six years.  Nathan and I standing, holding hands, and accepting these gifts into our circle of "home".  With each one, we have linked their hands to ours and made a circle.  As a new blessing came, the smaller hands have opened and accepted the new blessing; making the circle bigger and bigger with each year and each baby.  Also with each baby came the weariness and emotional surges that new life brings.  At times it was difficult to look ahead. Also at times, we felt the pressure of those around us to stop looking up and to start looking at the world.  In our hearts, we knew that wasn't God's call on our family.  With the leadership of Nathan, we steadied our eyes upward.  Now, as Annagail arrives this Spring, the littlest hands of my two year old will take hers and our circle will be finished.  Now, we will continue to look and to grow upward together.  I love thinking of that.  I cannot say for sure that God won't deliver more children to us in other forms or fashion as the years go by or that our circle will never grow wider.  I just know, for certain, that my physical obedience has been fulfilled and my rewards have come in little, striped, hospital blankets. Now we can all hold tight to the hands we are holding and go forth fullfilling our ministry to His Kingdom together; a family that will testify to God's constant provision, Grace, and strength.

These days, my blessings tire me relentlessly through the day and sometimes even the night, but even when I am exhausted they are content to get a kiss on the forehead to reassure them that all is well in their world. They ask a million questions that don't always find answers, but they don't mind as long as I listen wholeheartedly to the questions.  They crawl in bed with me EVERY morning and "snuggle" until their turn is up and then they move over to make room for the next waking blessing.  They say the sweetest prayers that always include their Mama.  The hold on to their Daddy's leg when he leaves for work in an effort to keep him home with them, because even though he has to be obedient in his discipline of them,  to them he is the PERFECT playmate. They think that their Daddy is the strongest man in this world, but always point out that God is indeed stronger (to keep him humble). 

I love my family.  As hard as my life is right now, I love them SO much.  I am trying to look at each day as it's own mission for me, KWIM?  I am trying to let go of the idea that I have to have a PLAN for the week, month, or even sometimes the afternoon.  I have to relax and show them my faith in God through this difficult time of trial on my body.  I have to show them that NOT having a plan is okay sometimes and I think that it is okay.  In times like this, when Mama is sick as a dog a lot and Daddy is doing everything he can to compensate, I need to remind them that God planned this baby and that she is a blessing and a gift that we will all get to unwrap in a few months. These few hard months will seem like a blip on the screen when we are all together and able to stand in our circle and LOVE God together. 

I don't know what my life will be like in a few months with the addition of Annagail. I have done this enough to know that I will be very tired. I know that I will feel stretched too thin a lot.  I PRAY that I will remember to stay on my knees every morning and that when this is all said and done, that my children will see that their Mama and Daddy join hands and go to God in physically and emotionally hard times and that we recognize how weak we are without Him.   I am focusing NOW on the fact that guilt that I feel about not knowing what tomorrow will bring is just Satan trying to lie to me and keep me from leaning on God. 

I hope that you all are well. I have been reading blogs at least a few times a week. I just haven't been blogging myself lately.  I am feeling better than last week and the week before that, so I feel that this pregnancy will get better from here.  Thank you to those of you that have reached out to me to check on me. It has meant a lot.