This is the title of the devotional I got in my email this am. Honestly... Im TERRIFIED of snakes. i promise you, no one on earth is more afraid of snakes than me!! I actually almost didnt read it just because of the title!! (I should I say, i dont know how to give proper rights, but the devotional Im talking about is a daily email I get from Alpha Omega Publications. )

The write of t his devotional talked about how she lives in the west and there are snakes everywhere and you have to watch out for them. Also,  you have to learn the difference between the posionous and "safe" ones. (their all posionous to me because if i see one, its a heart attack and death!!) One day, her son actually found one in their sandbox!! The point of the lesson is to not let fear take hold of you.

I have definitly let fear take hold of my life!! So much, that I dont even know how to talk to anyone anymore. Were not hermits by any means, we go places, but for the majority of our lives, we just stay at home and do nothing. Now, its not all due to fear. Please dont get me wrong, were not sitting in our house cowaring and hunkered down in the living room or anything. But our lives have become very lonely. my husband goes to work, we do school, then we meet back at home and everyone goes into their own corners of the house. its sad, really. But even t hat isnt the point im trying to make, so ill move on...

When I was younger, I was painfully shy. When I got a little older, I moved to a different town. In that new town, I told myself that I was starting a new life. I was going to pull myself out of that shell and start living and forget being shy. I did that. I made a lot of mistakes. I went a little too far that way, but I pulled myself out. Now, all these years later, I seem to have crawled back into that shell. I stay at home. I dont get to talk to a lot of people, my neighbors refuse to speak to me.  I dress as comfortable as i can (jeans and a t shirt) and i just live here in my little shell that Ive made for myself and my family. But we're missing out on life!!! I still live in that town that I moved to years ago. I moved away but then came back. Its time for me to once again pull myself out of thise shell.  Start living life!!!!

So for today, I dressed nice! I put the sweater on that I was planning on wearing to church on Sunday. I also decided to not wear the tennis s hoes, but wear my boots. Dressing it up a but. I even put make up and a necklace on. (my mom will be so proud lol)not because Im going anywhere, actually, Im staying home today taking care of sick kids. Then, tonight, Im going to the grocery store with my mom. But even dressing nice, helps me to feel a little better about myself.

This is going to be hard. I have to teach myself all over again how to be social. sad... very sad!!! But im sick of me and my kids sitting around fighting about the computer and the tv all the time and missing out on life. The kids are sick, so we cant go anywhere today. (doesnt it figure lol) But next week, when their better (i hope!! were finishing up  week 2 of this!!) were no longer home bodies. were going out places. Were going to start talking to people! were going to find some friendships and start living life!!!

I WILL pull myself out of this shell!
I WILL remember who I am in Christ and quit worrying about the stupid things!
I WILL start living life and go out and meet people!
I WILL start talking to people and develop relationships for me and my kids!
I WILL be a better peron!

I will need prayer, also. If this was hard before, its wayyyyy harder now. Not only do i have to pull myself out of this, but also my 6 children. Im tired of this way of life. Were supposed to be witnesses to the world. Why would anyone who knows me right now want my life? ive not shown Jesus to anyone. What a shame. All these years... WASTED!! Time to stop! Computers ok. Tvs ok. Being at home and having some down time is ok. But its not life. Now, if I can just make my family see that...

Twenty four hours ago, I had never heard of a little girl named Somer that lived in Florida. I first heard of her when my mother in law said to me, "Did you hear about that seven year old thats missing in Florida?" yesterday morning. That evening, my mom picked me up so we could do our weekly grocery shopping together. As we got in the car, and said goodbye to my little ones who were outside playing, my mom said to me, "Did you hear that they found that little girl... in a landfill." I was devastated. I dont understand how evil our world is. I dont know any specifics on this case, but who even needs to, to know that its sick, evil, I cant even think of enough bad words to describe this kind of horror.

This morning, I woke up very early (and Im no where near being a morning person, so that rarely happens!) partly because my stomach hurt. But also, because, I dont know why, but I kept thinking of this little girl and her mother. Praying for the mother. How devastated she must be, my heart  just breaks for this woman. Then, the news came on. They ran a story about her and talked to the mom. They asked her repeatadly if she felt guilty. Why would they do this to her? Of course she does, what mother wouldnt. It was then that the mother broke down in tears. After getting her to this point by their questioning, the news lady said "aw well, you cant blame yourself dear" My heart broke even more for her. I was bawling. I mean, tears streaming down my face and guts wrenching, as if it was my own daughter.

Then the news said that she had siblings who were with her right before she disappeared. I couldnt even handle the death of my brother when I was 30 years old,. let alone being a small child.

My heart breaks for this family. Today, they have to go to a funeral home and prepare a funeral for a 7 year old. That should never have to happen. But, living in a fallen world we have to deal with it. But when it happens this way... sick... just sick. I dont know if this family knows our awesome God, but I pray for them. I pray that God will wrap His awesome loving arms around them today. And that somehow, He wouldget glory thru this. That, if they dont know Him, that they would come to know Him thru this tragedy. And to know that thier precious little one is in Heaven with Jesus right now, safe and sound.  

The mother stated that what keeps her going is that she wants to make sure that justice is paid. It will be. I hope they get this person off the street before he can attack again. But even if they cannot find him, God knows exactly where he is, what he has done, and will give just punishment to him. This precious child was important to God as well.

I dont know that I could survive the loss of one of my children. But my God says "My grace is sufficient" and "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me" Lord, today I pray for your grace and strength on this family.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! When October comes around, and the rest of the world is trying to be scary and disgusting, Im thinking of Christmas trees and gifts and shopping!!! We rented a bunch of movies to watch tongiht and guess what kind they are?? yep... CHRISTMAS!!!

But something occured to me today. I never realized how much I like the holiday because of certain traditions until now. You see, my family has this really awesome thing we do. The women in our family takes a whole weekend and gets together and goes out shopping. its more than shopping, really. Its so much fun, we all get together and just have a blast from Thursday until Sunday morning. We dress alike, act goofy oh man, i just cant even tell you how much fun it is and how much it means to me.

Or should I say how much it MEANT to me. You see, last year, it was ruined. I wont go into the big long story, but it was pretty bad. Thats really not what this post is about. But, my mom and aunts and everyone is still going this yea, but I have taken myself out of it. Im not going. Its a real bummer!!!

But, Im getting excited for Christmas and all, but Im also kinda depressed. i wanna go on the shopping trip, just not how things were left. i want it to be the way it used to be. But I never realized, until now, how much my excitedness of Christmas was wrapped around the shopping. I even , for a few minutes, thought about jus not even putting a tree up this year. (lol, yeah right like id do that, my tree is up before Thanksgiving!!)

I guess maybe it all happened so that i could once again remember the true meaning of Christmas. Ive never lost that, but maybe i lost a litle site of it, and put more things in front of it. Jesus is the reason for Christmas. not shopping trips.

A little side note, since i dont get to do my "powershopping" this year, i do get a lil extra time with my hubby and him and I are going on our own little shopping trip for the first time. That will be fun :) now just praying for some money to take with us there!!

Ok, so my thoughts didnt get put in here exactly the way i wanted them to. mainly because i have a 9 year old standing over me waiting for his turn on the computer. But hopefully the point was made enough. I actually can write., Im just not sure it shows thru anymore lol. So anyways...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

My daughter, although she says she wants to be a nurse, is always coming up with the best ideas for teaching! I love it. But I just wanted to share this one.

My kids have been struggling with their times tables. Probly because Im so bad at it. I dont even know them :( Anyways... She printed out a multiplication chart, one for each of the kids. The learn to count by a certain number. (2, 4, 6, 8, etc...) when they have learned that and can say it to me, then they can color in that line. When they have the whole thing colored in, they have their times tables! I love it! So we just started it yesterday. Theyve got the easy ones down, 2, 5, and 10. But now they gotta work on the other ones. And, their all excited to do it! How cool is that!!

I love it!! Good job baby girl!!

 1. I am thankful for my precious family
 2. I am thankful for God allowing me, and helping me to homeschool my precious little ones
 3. I am thankful for Gods awesome grace!!
 4. I am thankful for JESUS!!!!
 5. My house, I spend a lot of time complaining that I want to move, but I do praise God for giving us this house. We lived in a small apartment before this!!
  6. I am thankful for the lunch that God provided for us today, even though I coudlnt find anything in the    cupboards, I found a forgotten can of ravioli in the back!!
  7. I am thankful for my wonderful friends!!
  8. I am thankful for all my parents, including my AWESOME in laws!!
  9. I am thankful for God always taking care of me, though I dont deserve it
10. I am thankful forevery single breath!

Today we read out of our "Mystery of History" book about St. Valentine. Boy did I learn some things! Now, I already knew that he was a martyr. Didnt know much more about him than that. But the actual holiday is actually a "christian remake" of a pagan holiday. The Romans celebrated on February 15th to their pagan gods and goddesses of love. But St. Valentine was martyred on February 14th, so the pope decided to make February 14th a christian version of the Roman holiday. to "Christian-ize" it and make it in honor of St. Valentine.

Hmmmm...

So Valentines Day is no different than Halloween. Its a pagan holiday that was celebrated and has been since "christian-ized" But I wonder. the ones who made it up, how sad they would be today. Cupid actually was a god (i really had no idea!!). The God of love. The son of Venus, who was the goddess of love. The Romans would pick cards to see what man was paired with what woman. then, they would give each other treats. They actually believed that Cupid shot them with arrows and then would fall in love. The christians at the time decided this was wrong and came up with St. Valentines Day to honor Valentine instead of these false Roman Gods, since he was killed for his belief in God the day before their holiday.

Who wouldve thought that that's where St. Valentines day come from? Interesting. But I also have to say... Ive been blasted by many Christian brothers and sisters for celebrating Christmas. Yes, I love Christmas and celebrating the birth of my Savior!! But for Christmas, at least theres a Godly purpose. It seems that Valentines day is no different than having a fall harvest instead of celebrating Halloween. But how many people actually know that and will yell at others if they let their kids go trick or treating, but will gladly allow their children to pass out little pieces of paper in February that says "I love you" . (Dont get me wrong, i cant stand Halloween. never have liked it. even when i was lost) I just found this very interesting... Am I the only one who didnt know this?

Well, I all I can say is I must be coming down with something. I feel awful!! Im exhuasted. My bach hurts something terrible. I cant think straight. i feel like everythings a blur. i cant even talk without messing it up, it seems. I think its bed time! but its been like pretty much all day. and its not been the best day anyways :( But, I dont want to be complaining.

A breakthru!!! I was talking to a lady tonight that didnt know me when my brother died, and she was asking me about how he died and such, and i talked about that night, for a litle while, and didnt cry!! thats the first time! i miss him terribly. but i have to figure out how to allow my life to go on, as hard as it may be.

school. Didnt go too bad today. a few attitudes. kinda surprising considering the ones that it came from, but all has ended pretty well as far as that goes.

Tomorrow is my precious sammy's 8th birthday!! i swear, the boy has been 8 for about 3 years now lol. 8 years ago tonight, him and i almost died from his birth. a VEry SCARY  night! but praise God, look what it got us :)

I would love to get a new backgroun for my blog. I dont really like any of the other ones on here. I wish I knew how to get a new template for my blog!!

Well, im exhausted. Im going to bed. good night world :)

If I ever have felt like this (Calgon, take me away), today is the day! What an awful day!! I really want to live by "This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it"!!! But, oh my gosh!!!!

Ok, so first, I dont feel good. Ive done soemthing to my back and it not only is shooting pains across my back, but also down my leg. Also, at the base of my neck going about half way up the back of my head, it hurts. i dont know why, it just relly hurts. its kinda a sore feeling. not like a headache, but... i dont know, cant realy describe it. Plus, Im tired. Couldnt sleep well last night because of my back. (and the fact that i had another dream that i saw my brother. this time, i just cried and hugged him and told him how much i loved him. he told me he knew. that was worth not getting sleep!!) So anyways, theres me.

Then, theres the kids. 10, 9, and 7 years olds who have literally acted like babies all day. The day started off with just my daughter. 10 years old. Beautiful young thing. Somewhere in growing up, shes lost all her happiness and filled it with bitterness. I dont know what happened. But, shes always upset that I need to work with the twins more, because she understands on her own and can just "go with it" for her school work, but her younger brothers need me more. But, this am, she needed me, and the tripletts did just fine on their own. so I got a good hour to work with JUST HER. But, the whole time, she WHINED and didnt even try. ARGH!!! I cant handle whining!!!!! Add to the fact that she was needing help with math, my least favorite subject. the hardest for me to understand. fractions, at that, which i really dont get. so here i am trying to help her, struggling to do so, and getting nothing but whining from her. UGH!!!

So she finally gets it and moves on. So, I move on and go to help the tripletts. These boys have done so wonderful so far! They've finished almost all of their work on their own while im working with their sister! Wonderful!! But now, the little monster head start to show. The whining starts from them! "I dont get it!" "This is too hard!" "Why do I have to do this?" "Can we be done?" And guess what subject?? Yep, MATH!!! Come on!!

So, Im already frustrated. I already dont feel good. I feel like Ive been fighting a war for about 50 years all in one day. So thats it. I give up. Pack up your stuff kiddos, were going home (We dont do school at home, we do it at my moms house). Whatever school work isnt done, bring it home, its homework. So, we get home, I decide to be nice (and i need a break, too!!) and say, ok, were starting school at a certain time, do your chores, the rest of the time is free time. The church office had called and left me a message so I call them back. The WHOLE TIME im on the phone, the kids are fighting and screaming! yeah, their supposed to be doing chores!!! So, I have to ask the secetary to hold on, while i remind them of their rudeness. One, ends up sitting in the time out chair. Then they go back to doing chores. The time out chair just so happens to be opposite the basement door. My son, whose in time out, is mad that hes there, kicks the basement door, which happens to have his brother coming thru (he didnt see him, at least ill give him that) and ends up slamming to door with his brothers head in between.

Yes, folks, my house is a picture for Nanny 911 today. Where did i go so wrong?

So, now Im exhausted. honestly, Im ready for bed! Shouldnt it be 10 already?!!? no, its not even 3:00 in the afternoon yet. And what do I get to look forward to tonight? Why, of course, a baseball game! Yep, its 55 degrees, possiblity of rain, and tonight is out last official night of fall baseball. I tell my kids to always look at the verse that comes up on Switched on Schoolhouse before starting anything. Guess what the verse is. "The Lord is my strength". Yes. He is. I need it desperately!! Come quickly Lord!!

If your reading this, Id love to hear (read lol) encouraging comments. or just a  hug :)

Well, it's been a while since Ive been able to blog... again. We ve started this awesome all day long co op once a week. they change classes and get some socialization (me too!!) and its just been really great! We get Science, Music, Gym, History, Writing and Art. we also start the day with devotions. Its been so good for all of us!!

Also, we're no longer doing school at our church. We are doing it at my mom's house. Its working out great! I can't put my finger on the "why" that we cant do it here, well, we can, but it jus works so much better somewhere else. but it really is helpful for concentration and everything to just set up a school somewhere else. if i had money, i would build a little schoolhouse addition to my house. no, if i had money, id move and make sure the new house had a school part of the house :) Still prayin on there, maybe one of these days, God will allow us to move out of this house. Out of this city. But I guess I wont keep going on that... sorry.... I only brought all that up because I dont have internet access at my moms, and thats why i havent been able to post any new entries. Anyways, moving on to better things.

We got to take the younger boys to an Indians game yesterday. Yeah, im a Cincinnati fan, at an Indians game. It was kinda weird, but good. One of my bloys LOVES the Indians, and we always go to the Red's games, so , out of respect for him, we went. They have a real nice park up there. It was a great game, and Cleveland won 9 - 0! It was a good trip!! Praising God for that! He sure has blessed us way more than we deserve!

Well, i guess thats my update for today. Im sitting on an ice pack right now because ive done something to my back, and i think my back is beyond frozen, so i guess its time to get it off my back lol.

Tomorrow, school and then the last "official" game of fall baseball. So hopefully I can post another entry then, but if not, you know why :) Have a great night!!

~~Steph

If your reading this, please pray for my family. Today, Im ready to pack up the homeshool stuff and send the kids to school. If we lived in a better school distrcit, I believe i would do it.

The only reason, because I am stupid. I cannot teach my kids. I espeically cant teach them math. Today, i have no patience. I have no understanding. This has got to be the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.

My kids are awesome. I have been blessed so far more than what I deserve. I feel like Im failing them terribly. I have 6 kids. All of them need me at once. How can I be explaining math to 4 (4 of them are on the same math level) at the same time? How can I be 6 places at once? Kindergarten, grade 3, two kids in grade 4, grade 5 and grade 7. I just cant do it.

Is it me? Is it the fact that I was up very early with a sick 7 year old? Is it satan? Probly. I know that God has called us to homeschool. Im honored and very blessed to answer that call. But im so worthless. Im so stupid. I know, I know... I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Lord, I need your strength!! Help them to "get it" and understand their school work. Their so bright, so smart, I dont want to hold them back. I need you today, Lord. Wrap your arms around us and please help us. Thank you for allowing us to homeschool. Show us the way. Plesae, wake my brain up and let me use it once more.

This is the hardest thing Ive ever done. And Ive done A LOT of hard things. But i know theres a blessing as well. Thank you Lord. Please give me the strength to go on.

EDIT OR DISCLAIMER:
I am not a quitter. I love my kids way to much to give up. This is just me unloading in my blog (aka journal lol) I know I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength. Im just waiting on His strength. Homeschooling our family is His calling for us and I will continue to answer that call. I just need prayer, Gods strength and grace, and encouragment would be really awesome :) I do wonder if anyone ever reads my blog??

Well... I took the camera with us today so I could take pictures of this precious first day of school. HA wasnt i living in a dream world!! lol.  You wouldnt have wanted to see pictures from today. 2 of the kids were trying me. they wanted to see if i was serious that I expected more work out of them t his year and less goofing off. well, we started at 8:30. 3 of them are not done yet (its 4:30!!!) and are grounded. But, I think today they learned that I am serious and they, hopefully, wont be trying this again. Hopefully tomorrow goes way better. So, tonight, we will continue doing school until its done (dnt get me wrong, really, i didnt overload them, they just sat there crying 'its too hard" come on, simple addition for 3rd and 4th graders!! they wanted to be lazy)

But, it seems that the new program, Switched on Schoolhouse, will be a winner. Alex didnt get such a good grade, but he skipped 3 pages because it didnt see that he had to go to a new page before taking a quiz (it was hard to see, if you didnt know to look for it) Danni, who I was concerned about, (shes the one begging for public school) loved it and says its great, so theres a BIG plus!!

So, we have a few bugs to work out, and today they found out that Im serious about working and not being lazy, but i think tomorrow will go better and that this will be good. im not ready to give up :) im anxious for tomorrow so we can take what weve learned today and start fresh again!! Isnt grace wonderful!! Its gonna be a great year!! im so blessed to be able to keep my precious little ones home with me!! (even though their not so little anymore :(

And I have to add... the one that caused the most problems today, and has stressed me ridiculously ,is sitting at the tabel doing his math and working very hard, while everyone else is on a little break. and just beig as precious as he can. thats why we call him "Precious Sammy"

They are a lot of work, and takes A LOT of patience (which I fail miserably at!!!) but I sure do adore my babies!! Thank you Lord for these gifts!!!

~~Steph

Today for Sunday school. i finally made a lesson for something Ive been teaching kids for about 10 years now. PRAISE GOD FOR EVEN YOUR PILLOWS!!!

In Matthew, Jesus tells us that "The Son of man doesnt have a place to lay His head." Imagine that, God, who created all, came to earth for us, left all the comforts of heaven, and didnt even have a pillow for His head! Pretty convicting, especially when i think of how many pillows are in my house alone. But that God provides all we need, and more, so theres no need to worry, but to praise Him and thank Him for all He has provided. Even for the little things that we take advantage of, like pillows. (ok, so my theory has been de bunked, my husband just told me that in Mark 4, Jesus is asleep on a pillow. but, ok, it still says he doesnt have a place to lay His head!!)

So, anyways... we made pillows in class to remind us of this lesson. I had pre sewn the 3 sides, so the kids just had to stuff it, and sew the open end. they also wrote on there Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (ok, we had to make it smaller because the markers werent working very well, but the idea was to write it on there lol). The kids, i think, loved it. Even younger kids, who werent in my class asked me "when i get older, can we do that in Sunday school?" i thought that was sweet :)

So, when we got home, my other kids (my oldest is in my Sunday school class), asked if i had any material left so they could make a pillow. I didnt have that kid of material, but found some other material and they each made their own too.  then we got to do the lesson all over again (which theyve heard me say anyways, before) Hers a picture of my family with their pillows.

Heres close ups for Alex and Sammy

The Twinkies, always the comedians...

The girls (Danni's is made from the leg of a pair of her jeans that we cut off into shorts :)

Then theres precious baby girl. She just had to have a picture of her on her own, hugging her pillow. Shes freaking out right now, asking when Im putting her picture up lol

My precious family. Now they all have pillows to remind them to praise God for everything. I praise God for them!!

Today we had AWANA training. This will be my first year as AWANA commander at our church. Ive been serving for many years, but not as Commander. The lady im following was awesome, so Im hoping I can do half as good as her!!

But the training was great. The missionary gave us some great ideas, he even played game time with us!! He was a really nice guy!! I cant wait til he comes to our club in December!!!

I wish I could get more people in our church excited for AWANA! It is such an awesome program! Our AWANA starts in 1 1/2 weeks. Im very excited!! Ill post updates on how its going.

The youth group, which my son has just joined, had a party tonight. It was also a surprise birthday party for one of the girls. I adore her!! I didnt get to stay for long, but it was nice to be able to give her a hug and tel her happy birthday and that i love her. Her, her mom, and her whole family has been such a blessing to me for many years! I just love my church family!!!

So, thats my day.  im tired. de stressing on the new laptop :) but i guess its time to put it away and go to bed. ahhh.. i love bedtime!!! lol.

Have a great night folks :)
~~Steph

Its been a long long time since Ive been on here. I apologize. Wow, I dont even know where to start! I guess maybe I wont try and fill in on soo much and just make a fresh start, how's that sound?

Ill start with my typing. I am right now typing on our brand new laptop!!! a HUGE PRAISE GOD!!!!! Weve been needing one before the start of school. Weve decided to take our school work to our church and do it there. more space. more quietness. less disturbances. A lot of good reasons to make this move. But, 2 of my kids will be using Switched on Schoolhouse this year, for those of you whoe dont know, thats a cd rom program. if we took our school to church, we'd  need a lap top to be able to make this work. So... I had saved up $100. Obviously, you cant get a laptop for hat amount! i was trying. but in the mean time, also praying "God, if this is a need, you will provide." I had no doubts there. Well, of course, I had to use the money in our bank account, so it was gone. we start school on Monday. Im not freaking out. Im saying I know God WILL provide. I knew He would. Well, He did!! My mother in law (who i just adore!!! love ya mom!!) called and said that her and my father in law wanted to buy us a brand new laptop!! I cried!!! Im so blessed!! God is so good!!

Which brings me to another point. One reason I stopped gettign on here is we had been running a lot back and forth to the hospital. My father in law was given a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer last end of winter/beginning of spring. he had surgery. he started chemo. This kind of cancer is the worst kind to have. Usually, you dont survive it. Yesterday, we found out that he is CNACER FREE!!!!!! how amazing is that!!!!

So to wrap it up, (because my husband is wanting his turn on the new laptop :) we start school on Monday. I think were all excited! Im ready to get back into the groove. This is the year that all of our kids are in school. our baby starts kindergarten!! I cant believe it! sems like yesterday she was born. So...life will get to some sort of normalcy now (ha, right :) I will try my hardest to make it a point to be better at posting. Id like to get back to daily!! See you all soon :) Have a great weekend!!

~~Steph

For a few years now, my friends have been telling me to go to this natural food/vitamin store and that i need to get on some good vites. well, im not a "take a pill " type person. Ive fought it like crazy. I also have no idea what type to get. Man, theres TONS of choices out there, how am i supposed to have a clue what to get? Plus, theres the fact that Im a serious, major cheapskate! i mean, it took me 2 months of wearing an old belt that cut into my back because I didnt want to spend the $8 to buy a new one! (yes, i finally bought one last week, i tell ya, its Heaven to wear a comfortable belt!! One of those luxuries you dont think about until you need it i guess, lol) Anyways, those places and those things are expensive!! Then, theres the fact that  I cant swallow pills. Im telling ya, my husband laughs at me something horrible, its not a pretty site when i try to take a pill. And what do you think of when you think of vitamins? HORSE PILLS!!!

Well, I was sick the other day and at my friends house. We do a science co op together (which im soooo glad we do, and shes sooo wonderful at it and has helped me soooo much!!!) So anyways, she gave me a few vitamins to take to see if they helped me feel better, and they did! I mean, I wasnt jumping up and down right after i took them, but i could tell it definately helped me.

So, I thought about going to this store this morning, but still fought it. I still dont know what to get. I knew that asking someone would make me end up bawling. Thats one thing thats wrong with  me, i cry, all the time, for no reason at all. i HATE to let people see me cry. i dont think anyone saw me cry until i was about 24 or 25 years old, I mean i HATE to let them see me cry. My life, Ive always been the strong one. I stood strong and helped others get past the hurts and hardships of life. How could I let them see me break down? Anyways, so I couldnt get because i couldnt keep myself composed enough  to even ask what to get. Plus, I have my kids with me, and i really didnt want them to see me bawling asking what to take. Or for them to hear my symptoms. really dont want my kids knowing that my brain is completely fogged and i have no memory anymore and that I cry like a baby all the time.

Today, I couldnt take it any longer. Ive cried all day, for absolutely no reason at all, ive been bawling. Now, i dont mean a few tears, I mean sobbing, like when my brother died, like when Id go hide in my room when I was younger and sob because i missed my mom. Ive felt completely dead all day and just uncontrollable sobbing and just... ugh.. .ridiculous! I cannot live this way anymore.

We went to our church, as we do often, to do school. I couldnt even focus then. My friend came up, as she often does, I didnt even know what to say to her. I just sat there, like a zombie. My brain does not work anymore, unless its to shed tears. This is not me. I cannot live this way. I do not know what is going on, but this HAS to stop and it has to stop NOW!!

So, I gave in. With the help (even though they didnt even know it) of all my friends, I could hear them in the back of my mind telling me "GO!! NOW!!" I went. Kids in tow and all, I went. I walked in the store and wanted to turn around and run out. I knew what this would mean. I knew that I would have to tell this woman that something was wrong with me, and that the tears would flow. I knew that my kids would be looking at me, wondering whats wrong. I knew that my daughter would be starring at me asking if im ok. All of that happened, but i stayed! I couldnt get out much more than my minmd was cloudy and that im very weepy, and of course a few sarcastic "of course's" But she gave me her opinion on what to do. She gave me a bottle of vitamins to take. THREE A DAY!!!! AND THEIR HUGE!!!! AND THEY COST $20!!!! But im gonna do it. I bought them. Im going to try them. The lady said to give them a couple of months and see what they do. So I will. God help  me to take these huge things, but I will.

I think that these problems that Im having have to do with medical, lifestyle, and Spiritual, but we'll see what this does for the medical. Im beggin God to help me with the Spiritual. So maybe, after this 5 year period of feeling liek I need to be in the insane assylum, maybe Ill finally get out of here and just live again.

Oh how beautiful this sounds!! I cant wait to breathe again!!!

And I can not end this with out a HUGE thank you to my precious friends. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for your advise. And, even though you didnt know it, thank you for walking that store with me today!! You know who you are! and I love you dearly! And in handing out that thank you's, of course, thank you Jesus for not giving up on me and not giving me what i deserve!! I am nothing with out You.

Now, as usual, i cant hardly see the screen because of all these STUPID tears!!

WOW!! this is awesome! Id like to meet this girl and shake her hand! congrats to you and thank you for doing such a wonderful job!!!

If youd like to read the article that goes along withthe video, you can read it here.

Well, Id love to embed the video here, but i can't figure it out, if anyone is reading this and can tell me how, please let me know. but go to this link here   its http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOR1wUqvJS4
to watch it. it is youtube.

Its heartbreaking that this little girl even has to know waht t his horror is! What a wonderful job she has done!!!

If you read my blog at all, you know that I have become very discouraged lately and let a hard, hectic life take control of me. God got ahold of me regarding this very issue th is morning in my precious alone time with Him. And boy does He know how to get my attention!! lol.

The Bible story was about when the Isrealites were grumbling in the wilderness about how they should go back to Egypt and be slaves (much better, right? lol) because they were hungry and they didnt like the food that God had provided for them. I always look at those stories and think "man, what a bunch of babies!"  Its very quickly that God reminds me of how much I whine and complain about things and dont trust in His provision!!

So God hears them complaining and sends out poisoness snakes that bit the people and they died. SNAKES!!! Like Indiana Jones, I HATE SNAKES!!!! On with the story, sorry, had to shiver for a minute on my dislike of snakes.... So Moses prayed for the people and God told Moses to make a snake and put in on a pole and if the people would look at the pole (which they were really looking to God and trusting in Him!!) then they would live.

The story shows many things. The angle taken int he devotional, obvisouly, was dont get discouraged, but trust in God. He will take care of us no matter what. A (obviously fictional, for all the literally thinkers, like my husband :) story was added to the devotion. The story goes...

Satan was having a "going out of business sale" All of his tools were put on display and priced. envy, jealousy, lies, all of them. But one tool was very worn, obviously very used and priced much higher.
Satan was asked "what is this tool?"
"discouragement" he replied
"Why is it priced so much higher thank the others?"
"Becuase its more useful than any of the others!"

How true that is! Not that we can blame Satan for all our faults. But discouragement is so powerful against the will of God. Ive lived too long saying
i cant do this!"
im so frustrated.
So overwhelmed.
im too stupid to be a homeschool mom!
I cant teach my kids.
ive failed them so much!
but what about...

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!!!
DO ALL THINGS WITHOUT GRUMBLING AND COMPLAINING
GOD WORKS ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE
WHATEVER YOU DOIN WORD OR DEED, DO ALL IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST

I could list many more. The Bible is full of encouragement. How could I live so long in discouragement? I guess I need to start listening more to the things Im teaching my kids!!

and this one... i need this for my oldest daughter when she was younger, lol...

Have a great day and remember to not be looking at the bad, but search for the good!! and dont forget to laugh!!!

I have been reading a book with my kids about George Muller. This man was amazing!! This book has gotten me interested in reading!! (i hate reading!!) i cant wait to get to the next chapter! Cant wait to see what happens next!! Its so exciting!!

But, the reason its so exciting is because its very convicting to me. Ive never wanted to "be a missionary" or anything like that. I mean, i lvoe hearing missionary stories and pray for them when i no how to pray, but never had any desire to do any type of mission work. But as Im reading this story, quite honestly, im ready to give up all that I have and start a house for girls whove decided to not have an abortion and help them out during the pregnancy.

Now, dont get me wrong (and as my husbands reading this, his heart is probly thumping in terror right now, sorry lol) im not saying im going to go give away everything i have. but ive never in my life thought of that as a "good idea" crazy, actually was my thoughts, lol. For the first time, while reading this book, I get it. I get that he was trusting in God and God got to show just how powerful He is! God got to show so much to the people in Bristol England, and now all over the world almost 200 years later, how awesome He is!!

While im sitting here in debt, trying to figure out what job im going to do to earn some money, and how ill do it while homeschooling 6 kids and how to make it all work to pay the bills off. Alli need to do is trust in God. He'll never leave me. Hes got me covered. financially. spiritually. physically. mentally. in every way, Hes got me covered!! What more can i ask for!!

I hope that one day, God allows me to have a "mission" of hleping post abortive women again. I pray that I will get to talk to more scared pregnant women and talk them out of having an abortion by telling them what my precious Joshua went thru. But until then, I will realize that God has me on a mission right now!! My mission field is right here in my own house. and its high time i start living it!!

Ill leave you with this thought, as a pastor friend of mine says when asked how hes doing. His reply is always  "better than i deserve"!!! yep. i know what i deserve. and ive got so much more!

If you read the comments in my last post, then youj know as I was typing then entry about my abortion, my husband was thinking of a name for our minitsry that were wanting to start. I agree that it is a wonderful name. So now we have it

"Joshua's Voice"

Joshua is what i named my baby, as I was dealing with my abortion. After realizing that he was a real person and deserved that respect of a name! 

So now you have it. We have a name. I have also started a blgo just for the ministry. Im not exactly happy with the look of it right now, but I just started it last night. My house was crazy so i couldnt consentrate. so ill have to work on it more later. but its up at least. My husband and I will both be posting things regarding this issue. the blgo can be foud here http://speakingforjoshua.blogspot.com/

Prayer for this would be much appreciated. We havent made all plans or anythign like that. But we know that we want in this fight and that we have to fight this fight. Whereever God leads, I will go. I am so excited about this, I feel like a little kid, jumping and yelling "here I am Lord!! Use me!! please!! Use me!!"