Holy Rollers Hair Salon

 “For all your hair and local gossip needs”

(c) Karla Melcher 2005 

(Fran)  Hello, I’m Fran.

(Pam) And I’m Pam.

F:   And we own the Holy Rollers Hair Salon located in Old Testament county….

P:   …Where we can take care of all your hair and local gossip needs.

F:  Today, you all are in for a TREAT!!!!!  We are going to show you the latest styles AND fill you in on all of the latest news of what’s been going on in our neck of the woods.

P:  We want to thank you all for letting us come up here to the BIG CITY, to participate in this year’s “Hair Fest 2005.”  Oh, ya, ladies… You just get ready because you are going to take home some WONDERFUL ideas on how to impress that man of yours and make all those neighborhood ladies wonder, “Where did she come up with THAT ‘do? 

F:  Now, there are some wonderful ideas for hairdo’s from where we come from.  And then there are some HAIRDOOZIES that some of the locals have come up with and we just can’t wait to share them all with you.  Ready, Pam?

P:   Ready, Fran!

            First, we want to show you a simple style of what my great-great-great-grandma Miss Eve came up with.  Now, will our first hair model please come up? 

As you know, good and simple hairdo’s never go out of style!    – well, I suppose I SHOULD give you some background on poor Miss Evie!   She used to live in the most BEAUTIFUL part of our fair county, but then Oh, how she messed things up for ALL OF US!!  She was an avid gardener, you know, and she was tending the fruit trees one day, see if the fruit was ready to harvest. 

And then, a s-s-s-s-sneaky s-s-s-s-salesman come up to her, trying to get her to test out a unique variety of tree that the Master Gardener had put out in the garden.  Well, now, our Good Master Gardener that had given them the garden, told her to not bother that tree.  He had told her husband to leave it alone – that they could eat from all the other trees but that one.  That if they did, they would surely DIE!   I think the variety was – oh, do help me out here dear Fran..

F:  I think as I recall it was called:  “Arbor conscientia benevolentia pravus”  I think it means for us common folk the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

P:   Oh, yes, thank you, dear.  Now, to go on with what happened!  Well, she was out there in her garden and that s-s-s-sneaky s-s-s-s-salesman came up to her, and just tricked her into taking a taste of it.  Poor Miss Eve didn’t think that it did any harm at first – she saw that the tree was good for food, and it looked pretty to her eyes, and that it even was going to make her smarter, since it contained that “knowledge vitamin” and all.  Well, she gave a bite to my poor great-great-great-grandpa Mr. Adam, too and then OH, MY -- that just set everything going bad. 

            They found out that they had been walking around in their skivvies – never had bothered them before, ya all, -- but when that fruit opened their eyes to it, they got all embarrassed!  Tried to make cover themselves up with some little ol’ fig leaves, and set out to hide from the Master Gardener, as they knew that they had broken the only rule He had set before them.  Well, He of course found them and wouldn’t you know great-great-great-Grandpappy blamed Grandmammy Eve and she blamed that s-s-s-sneaky s-s-s-s-salesman, and he had to punish all 3 of them! 

Mercy, how I do wish we could of inherited that dear old beautiful garden, but the Wise Master Gardener set a watch on it so they wouldn’t get into any more trouble in there.  That’s when Grandpappy had to deal with all of the thorns and the thistles that came popping up, and he had to work so hard.  And poor Miss Evie had to learn that it was just best to let her husband lead, and it’s because of her birthin’ children hurts so bad, don’t ya know!!!!

F:  Yes, dear Pam, every time I have to pull weeds, or get a thorn pickin’ blackberries for my famous blackberry jam, I think of her!

(Present Eve hairstyle—long hair, full of  fake fruit)

F:    Now, let me tell you about another one of our relatives that inspired the next hair style (we are all related in our county, ya know. – When the census comes around town, and they make us mark that little BOX to say what race we are, we just check the little box that says “other” and pencil in “ADAM’s” next to it.)

This style we are going to do up next is for those men in our lives who are, how should we put it gently, losing some on top.   Now, dear cousin Elisha, he just a bold, bald man, and that is what we encourage our men to be TOO!  Just shave it all off – come on now, you go home and gently tell that man of yours “Enough with the Donald Trump comb-over.  It’s gonna happen sooner or later, so just come on and do as those Holy Roller ladies taught us, and go bald with boldness!”  Why, it’s even biblical, ‘cause look here in Levitiucs, it says:

13:40-41         "Now if a man loses the hair of his head, he is bald; he is clean.

"If his head becomes bald at the front and sides, he is bald on the forehead; he is clean.   So just get out those clippers, and get rid of those last little bits that are depressing him anyway, and you just tell him how SEXY it is, and how CLEAN he looks – that he just reminds you of the “Mr. Clean” man like on the bottle of stuff that makes your kitchen floor shine!

            And if anyone tries to make fun of him, Well, let me just tell you what ol’ Cousin Elisha did! 

He was walking up the hill to the town of Bethel in our fair county and some of those local neighbor boys started making fun of him.  Here is poor Cousin Elisha all tired out from his long journey, trying to get up this steep old hill, and these naughty boys are harassing him, saying “Go up, thou bald head.  Go up, thou bald head.”  Well, dear cousin Elisha was usually a kind, dear man, don’t get me wrong, but he had had enough of those bratty boys and he turned around, and cursed them in the name of the Lord, as he was Our King’s very good servant, and the Lord made 2 she-bears come running out of the nearby woods and 42 of those young lads got their just desserts that day – that is, they BECAME dessert for those 2 momma bears.

Now, if your kids are just bothering you to pieces, or are making fun of their elders, you just remind them of this story!  God might send a couple of bears after ‘em.  And mind your mouth about what you say about or to men of the Lord, right dear sister Pam?

                                                                        (Present model “bald”)

P:  That’s right, dear sister Fran!

            Next, we have a new way to braid up you all’s hair.  This style is inspired by Judge Samson that lived in our county.  Dear Judge Samson was set apart to serve our God before he was even born.  He NEVER cut his hair, and to manage it, he had it braided into seven braids.  Just a perfect number to set off that magnificent hair!

Now, Samson had won the Strongest Man in the Universe award every year.  He was one strong and hunky guy, even when he got to be over 40!!  And he was a good and righteous judge, but he did have one fault – a weakness towards women!  And mind you, not even very good ones!  One, Miss Delilah, oh, she was just a stinker – I don’t know why he couldn’t see through her ways.  Must have been too smittened with her, I guess.  Anyway, she was bribed by some terrible men who wanted to see Judge Samson’s rule brought to an end.  She just was more than willing to betray her man in order to gain some cold hard cash, and she set to work trying to trap him in order so those men could get him and capture him.  Well, Samson fooled her a couple of times, all teasing-ly like, but she kept nagging, and nagging, and nagging, and as most men do, he just got so sick of it, he just blurted out what made him so strong – his hair!  Well, that good-for-nothing woman, lulled him to sleep like she had always done, and CUT OFF HIS HAIR!  Poor Judge Samson, lost all of his strength, was made a slave to those awful men, and had his eyes poked out! 

But don’t you fret, alls well that ends well – at least sort of.  Hair grows back you know – that’s the number one thing we tell people at our shop when they end up with a unfortunate HAIRDOOZIE at our shop.  “Don’t fret – hair DOES grow back”  --Ok, maybe not for men who have a hair style like dear cousin Elisha, but for most folks, it DOES grow back!

Anyway, Judge Samson’s hair grew back, & he got his strength back.  Those awful men had a huge party – thousands of their awful friends were there, and they had Samson sent from jail to make fun of him.  Now that they had thought they had brought him low, making him blind and weak and all.  But they didn’t know that he had his strength back and that dear man called up to our Dear King, and asked Him to strengthen him on last time, to avenge those awful people for putting out his 2 eyes.  And with one push on that buildings pillars, he brought the whole place down!

Oh, how glad I am that our Dear Father is good enough to restore us to him when we confess our faults, no matter what we have done, Amen, Fran?

                                                (Present model all done up with 7 braids)

F:  Amen, Pam. 

            Next, ladies, we have a new twist on how to create an up-do.   Don’t worry if you have short hair – you can do this too, in a modified fashion.  But it does work best for those with long hair like Dear Prince Absalom had back in the day, who inspired this creation we are about to set work on. 

            Now, Prince Absalom, was not like his daddy, King David, God rest his soul.  David wasn’t perfect, but he was a man after God’ own heart, and he did try to make things right when he messed up and Our Father loved him very much.  King David could of maybe used a parenting class or 2, but he was so busy running the country… well, you know.  How I pray we will stop if we find our world getting too crazy and spend time with our dear little ones.  They need our training and we need to be consistent and firm, yet loving and active in their lives.  Perhaps he should of paid more attention to some of his children, because a couple of them were just a rebellious as all get out! 

            Take Prince Absalom for example.  Wooed the people of our county away from his father, took over as king, ruled the castle and the kingdom like it was his, and just was naughty against his daddy as all get out.  A real rebel that boy!  Well, in the end, all turned out well, and King David got his throne back.  But not before some heavy damage was done.  And poor Absalom paid a heavy price at the end of the last battle for control of the kingdom.  He was trying to get away after his side was losing.  He was riding a mule and he had long, thick BEAUTIFUL hair – just the kind a stylist LOVES to work with!  Well, he went under an old oak tree and somehow got his hair all tangled up in a branch.  Poor Prince Absalom – his mule kept walking and poor Absalom just stayed tangled up in the tree, swinging there like a piñata at a child’s birthday party. 

            King David still loved his boy, even after all he had done, as most parents do.  He kept asking everybody what happened to his son after the battle, and finally found out that his main general and his men found Absalom hanging up in that tree, and killed him for rebelling against his father.  Poor King David was moved so deeply at the loss of his son, that he just went into a chamber and wept and wept, wishing he had died instead of his son.  Oh, what a sad day.  May this style  -- while uniquely natural and stunning – be a warning to us not to rebel against our Father, and to be on guard to keep our dear children’s hearts.

                                                (Present model with oak twigs & sticks in hair)

P:  Well, time has almost run out, we have been having so much fun with you all!  I hope you have all learned something you can take home and add to your hair-styling repertoire! 

F:  We have just enjoyed this so much.  Before we go, we would just like to remind you all to take care and be proud of the hair you have.  Don’t forget to treat yourself like royalty and anoint yourself every once in a while with a good ol’ hot oil treatment.  And that if you find yourself getting some gray hairs, to not fret, but to remember what the good book says:

“Youth may be admired for vigor, but gray hair gives prestige to old age. “  Prov 20:29 Message

P:    And if you ever find yourself in our fair county, you just drop in and visit us at the Holy Rollers Hair Salon for all of your hair and local gossip needs.  Good night!