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The Chocolate Box
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I've got a funny poem for you guys!!! I hope you like it!!!!
Packed up they’re wagons the villagers did
With cups and furs and they’re children all slid
On the wagon then out of town
When a big old dragon came swooping down They looked at the eyes most fearful of all
Then it stood up so straight
and looked 1,000 ft tall
It looked up then down
Then looked at the town and said, “May I have some beef?”
“Sure,” said a boy named Leaf
Getting firewood two boys all went
While others built they’re own tent
Then they cooked Chicken, Bacon and Beef
“Here is your beef my dear dragon,” said Leaf
It was a little bit out of the rhyme sceme in a few places, but was otherwise ok.
And I think you ought to have written "their" rather than "they're" in the first sentence - I suppose it must have just been a typing error, I accidentially do that sometimes aswell. Why didn't you name the boy "Keith" I have heard of people called that - I think that is how you spell it, and besides"Keith" is a proper name - and it ryhmes with beef, otherwise this is just constructive critism and you can do it your way
I can't help thinking that your stories are a lot better than your poems though - I think you should get a lot more practise in poetry-writing, or rather write stories - I hope you don't mind me saying that - I am just saying what I really do think about it.
I bet some of mine can be even worse than that sometimes! REALLY out of the rhyme scheme some of mine can be I must admit. * grins*
Or you could edit it a little bit perhaps?
I hope this didn't sound mean, I didn't mean it too, I am just saying what I really think about it.
Chezdak = D
Edited by chezdak on Thursday 25 June 2009 at 04:21 PM
I was 12 when I wrote this! haha! My first poem was worse!!!!!!!!!!!! haha! :-D No you didn't sound mean! And Leaf was the only thing I could think of, and anyway, Leaf is a Viking name! So it's proper! haha! I don't think I thought this poem through when I was 12, but I think it is good rhyme scheme wise! haha! Sorry I'm laughing so much! haha! I'm a very happy! :-D haha!
Edited by Created4CHRIST on Thursday 25 June 2009 at 08:40 PM
I thought it up with my brother. He loved it when I said "May I have some Beef?" I was gonna have it a scary poem then I thought "Let's have it for kids!" And then Violie! It was done!
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