Mar. 17, 2008
Lesson 9 --

Posted in Lessons

Part 1
[2] “Come back here with my horse!” Jack shouted. The outlaw laughed. “Come and catch him, if you can.”
[1] “It’s here! It arrived today.” Brian ran for the door and jerked it open. “This for you, kid?” The deliveryman thrust a heavy, oddly shaped package into Brian’s hands.
[5] Sara awoke and leaped from her bed. She ran to the window, threw open the curtains, and gasped.
[3] “Will they come back?” Tina whispered. She looked at her brother for an answer. “I don’t know,” Peter said. “I hope not.”
[9] What—Mary asked herself—was the point of trying to be good, when nobody really cared about her?
[6] It all started with Zach—like it usually does. I mean, he’s my best friend (and friends are hard to come by in the middle of outer space, so I’m not too particular), but sometimes he can be a real pain.
[7] Jamie loved spiders. Especially the big, hairy ones.
[4] Samantha folded her arms across her chest, squinted, and snapped her gum—daring the teacher to scold her.
[8] The double-suns of Epsilon 5 rose, blood-red, over the jagged mountains, casting an eerie shadow behind the ship.

Part 2; Take 1; Dialogue
Before: One sunny day Heather and Kit went to the beach and discovered a lifeboat washed up on shore.

After: "Look!" A tall brown haired girl pointed out across the sandy beach that stretched for miles.
"What?" A light haired girl stood next to her sister, shading her eyes against the strong sunlight.
"Don't you see that? It looks like... a boat!"
"Uh... yeah, I see it," the light haired girl spoke slowly before shrugging. "Who cares what it is?"
"Aw Heather, you're no fun. Come on! Let's go see what it is!"
"No! Kit! I don't really..." Heather trailed off as she saw that her friend had already charged away. With a sigh she stumped after Kit, grumbling a little as she went.
Kit had already made it to the boat. She ran her hand over the weathered wood that had once been white but now only had a few swathes of paint. "Cool! I wonder if it can float!" Without another though, Kit shoved it out and jumped in, only to find herself knee deep in water. "Aw man, how lame."
"Kit!" Heather shouted. "Get out of that water! Remember what happened the last time someone messed around in that water!"

Take 2; Action
Kit's brown topped head could be seen floating on top of the green sea water. Her brown eyes danced as she swam expertly up to an old lifeboat. In the boat sat her sister, Heather. Her light hair was neatly pulled back and her soft blue eyes were intent on the book she was reading. Kit was now next to the old boat. They had found it only that morning washed up on the shore and Kit had talked her sister into going out into the water in it. Kit's brown eyes gleamed as a mischievous grin pulled at her lips. She laid a cautious hand on the boat and with a quick movement, shoved the side down, tipping the boat over completely. Heather screamed as she toppled into the water in her neat white dress.
"Kit Schwester! You little imp! I dropped my book and just look at my dress!"
Kit didn't hear a word, she was nearly sinking under the water from laughing so hard. "You should have seen your face! Oh that was so funny!"
Heather's face darkened and her eyes flashed as she flipped the boat back over and climbed in.
Kit composed herself quickly when she saw how angry her sister was. "I'll get your old book," she said before taking a deep breath and diving down into the murky water. She could just see the poor little book laying face down on the ground and she made her way towards it at a leisurely pace. She was halfway there when she thought that she had seen something off to her right. By the time she looked there was nothing but when she returned her gaze to the book she found that it was gone, only a piece of paper showing evidence of anything having been there.

Part 3: I have the beginning of my story here: Clicketh

Leave a Clue

Mar. 18, 2008 - Lesson 9

Posted by skmarlow

Oh, great beginnings...As I mentioned before, you do dialogue well. If a person never knows how to start a story, you can always use dialogue. Hooks a reader every time--if it's done well.

You did an interesting twist on the "action" (not finding the boat, but what happened as a result of finding the boat). That works for me! It didn't hook me quite as quickly as the dialogue, but her "seeing something" toward the end perked me up and I wondered if you were getting ready to leave me on a cliff-hanger of danger. :-)

And yes, I read your story beginning yesterday. I recognizd your "dialogue" hook right away--even before you'd done this lesson, right? I know the story's been posted there awhile. You combined dialogue with getting right into the action!

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