Catastrophe (noun) – the act of a zookeeper driving five children across the country unmanned armed only with her faithful pooch.

Things I wish I had known a week ago...

Under no condition should a woman attempt to take her children on an adventure of a lifetime alone.  Vacation, sight see, holiday, or retreat but whatever you do, don’t set out for an adventure of a lifetime or things might very well happen that no one will ever forget.

A new camper should never be taken out without a trial run.  It doesn’t matter whether a husband will be left waiting at the airport in Yellowstone.  Let him wait!  Trial runs reveal trivial flaws, like the fact that the rear bed doesn’t fold up once you have freed it.  It will also reveal the lack of essential supplies: the wood you need to get the camper off your hitch, ample pillows, knowledge of emptying the dump tank, and the ability of lighting the propane, eyebrows intact.  Trial runs may also be used to deter the weak of heart. 

When using a computer map program, it is important to ensure that the navigator is computer savvy.  Warning signs may include, “How do you turn it on?”  “The covered bridges are all connected by the blue road, just follow that,” and my personal favorite, “It says that is in Canada.”

Leaving a dog in a car in the state of Indiana can result in a) bring paged to return to a car that is surrounded by police  b) having your beloved pooch taken by animal control  c) being convicted of animal abuse  and d) being sentenced with jail time.  Who knew the Children’s Museum could be so exciting?  I am happy to report that Rusty is back in our possession, charges were ultimately dropped, and I am never again taking an animal on vacation.

Under no circumstances should a mother revoke the electronic privileges for her children.  It doesn’t matter what a child has said to his sister, restricting hand held game systems is sadistic. 

Before you fly off the handle, count the number of potty trips you have made in the last hundred miles and then ask yourself if you are ready to accept responsibility for the entertainment of your stir crazy jabber jaw.  In the heat of passion, never ever, EVER restrict privileges for multiple days.

Double, triple, and quadruple check that your hitch is correctly locked into place before getting onto a freeway.  Just because it looks right doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself fixing a trailer that tried to go on vacation without you.  Sudden vision out your rear view mirror can result in uncontrollable tears and shakes at the side of a road. 

When a 13 year old tells you it is all clear and to keep on coming back, don’t believe her.  Zip ties and duct tape might help MacGyver save the world with but they sure won’t hold an awning on.

Man cannot live on hamburger helper alone.  A 10 for $10 sale does not mean that you want to eat the stuff around the clock.  Please note the importance of checking the operability of can openers before stocking your pantry with Raviolis as a backup.  Desperate zoo members have had noted success, albeit painstaking and messy, opening cans with a screwdriver and hammer.

Did I mention quadruple checking the hitch lock?  Bad, bad, bad.

Only 7 weeks more to go.