I am a member of Sonlight forums, have been since 2004, and it is a wonderful blessing. Most of the time. But this weekend was the "Big Fat Meetup" in California, and I wasn't able to go. And I missed the one last year, too. Dh's work schedule just doesn't match up with this sort of thing.

I remember these feelings from last year. An outsider looking in the window, watching the festivities, but unable to walk in and join them. It is really hard - I am an active member of the forums, have several friends there who I have met IRL, and right now is a flurry of posts about it. While I truly am happy for them that they were able to attend, I feel pretty empty about it, and am having a hard time sorting through all of these feelings.

-I realized this morning, and admitted out loud to the Lord, that I feel entitled to going. I also feel like every time there is one of these, and I don't attend, that I am distancing myself more and more from the general crowd. I am not in on their jokes, stories, giggles, memories. And that hurts. And now the talk is of the one next year, but already I am seeing that there is very little chance of my going then, too.

-So how do I deal with these thoughts/feelings? Stuff them down inside, just quietly creep away until the hubbub is over, and then go on w/the day to day stuff? Those people are my friends - I have few IRL friends, and the one I usually have "phone therapy" with is a BFM attendee, so she really isn't the one to hear me on this. I have several other difficult emotional things swirling around in my mind right now, that is feels weighty to think about this, too.

These scriptures come to mind:

Why so downcast, o my soul? Put your hope in God!

May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, o Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Cast your cares on the Lord, for He cares for you

You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast on You.

please excuse the lack of verse references. I was just taking a walk and thinking about all of this. The thoughts are there, so instead of just glossing over them and reciting verses, I talked to God about it all. About how I know it is not a good thing to have self-pity, how I am sad over it all, how it hurts, but at the same time I need to remember the Lord is good, His mercy endures forever, and that He is enough for me, no matter the circumstances. And HE IS. I belong to Him; Jesus is reason enough to get out of bed in the morning. And He cares for me, for my hurts, but also wants me to keep my eye on HIM.